I Have Returned.

Christmas cums early this year, ladies and germs...for I, the Mightiest of Dyckersons, have returned to The Mighty Blog!!! Let us rejoice and give thanks!!!

I know I've been gone for a while. I missed Thanksgiving. I missed Halloween (the Haunted Poon post was a rerun from last year, in case you idiots didn't notice). Fuck, I even missed the election of America's first Afro-American president, Balack Osama!

The Internets have been buzzing about rumors concerning my absence. Some of you thought I had passed away. Others assumed I was incarcerated. A few of you even thought I had actually gotten a social life and perhaps acquired poon. Well you are all wrong! More wrong, in fact, than Ms. Babble smoking crack during her latest pregnancy, which resulted in her giving birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome.

The truth is, I was the victim of a cruel prank played upon me by a deranged journalist. About two months ago, I scheduled a press conference to announce the release of my new fragrance, Simply Dyck (makes a great stocking stuffer). Anyway, I was standing at the podium addressing a sea of eager reporters, when out of nowhere I was hit upside the head by a fresh turd. It seems old Dyckerson isn't too popular in the Middle East (something to do with a joke I made about a camel and lonely Shiite)...so apparently a reporter from that region somehow sneaked past security and assaulted me with the only weapon he had available - his own feces. I was lucky to escape with my life, but the attack left me so traumatized, that it has taken me weeks to gather up the courage to write about it.

Now before I officially return to blogging, there are a few housekeeping matters that need attention. First, I have removed The Chat Hole from the sidebar. My blog has been plagued with pop-ups for quite some time. I suspect it may have been coming from the third-party chat box code. So if any of you fuckers still get pop-ups, notify Dyckerson post haste.

Second, I removed several deadbeat bloggers from The Mighty Blog Network. This leaves several openings for new top-quality blogs that meet my lofty standards of excellence. So if you wish to nominate such a blog, please feel free to do so. But remember, Dyckerson reserves the right to reject or remove any blog from The Mighty Blog Network without notice.

And finally, it's the holidays!! That means I have replaced the seizure-inducing flashing white lights in the background with puke-inducing colored lights! Now go make a joyful noise...and spread the word: DYCKERSON IS BACK!

I Have Returned...

Many of you have been wondering where I've been the last few weeks. Some of you believe I was incarcerated. Others are under the impression I was in some sort of rehab facility. A few people even think I was abducted by aliens who probed me anally for fun and amusement. Well all of you are WRONG.

You see, there comes a time in every man's existence when he must take pause and examine his life. For me, that time came about two weeks ago. There I was, perched atop my porcelain throne with my laptop computer, about to update you on my quest to break the all-time toilet sitting record.

As I was getting ready to upload a photo of my latest bowel movement, it hit me like a bag of wet pork rinds: Dyckerson, you are 35 years old. You're still single, you have no children, no legacy whatsoever. Every night you come home to an empty house and eat Cheetos on the couch until you pass out. Dyckerson, your life is PERFECT!!!!!

Just then, I dropped my laptop down the shitter and I've been without Internet access ever since.

I'M JUST YANKING YOUR CHAIN!!!

Truth is, I just haven't fucking felt like blogging. There, I said it. Is that OK with you neanderthals??! Can't a guy take a damn break every once in a while without being pestered and nagged??! GEEZ!!!!!

Besides, I've been busy. Many exciting things have been taking place here at Casa de Dyck, and rest assured I'll be telling you all about it in the days and weeks to come. So sit back, relax, and GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!!!

Label Access

Last night I was walking home from Bible study* when a lovely young woman walked up to me and said, "Mighty Dyckerson, I'm a huge fan of your blog! I love to read through your archives, but I wish there was a way to sort your posts by topic!"

Then it hit me like a sack of wet pork rinds: Blogger has a "label" feature that allows bloggers like myself to label their blog posts according to subject matter!

I tossed my Bible** in a nearby dumpster and turned to that lovely woman. "Miss, you are absolutely right," I told her. "I will get on that right away! And please, call me Dyckie."

"That's awesome, Dyckie!" she exclaimed. "Say, would you mind autographing my ample breasts?"

"It would be my pleasure," I replied. "Please expose them at this time."

I'll spare you the details of the rest of our steamy encounter, but suffice it to say poon was involved. The point is, The Mighty Blog now has labels! The staff of Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide has spent countless hours combing through nearly three years of classic Mighty Blog literature, designating each and every post with a category label. You, the reader, may access these writings by simply clicking on the appropriate label in the sidebar!

For example, let's say you want to read about my excrement. Just scroll down the sidebar and click the link entitled Fecal Matters. You'll find out everything you need to know about my bowel movements dating back to June 2005. Or perhaps you'd like to read more about my run for the presidency. Well you're in luck, Pepe! There's a link for that as well!

Of course, trying to summarize my thoughts into a single, solitary category. I often cover a wide spectrum of topics in one post. Take this one, for instance. Clearly this goes under the heading of blogging...but wait a minute, there is also a brief mention of poon. What to do??! Well fortunately, the good people at Blogger have thought of everything. It is possible for ONE POST to have MORE THAN ONE LABEL! THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS!!!

Now this is still a work in progress, so be sure to check back every day for new category labels! This way, I can keep repackaging the same crap over and over again for years! I'll never have to write another goddamn post again!!! So long, suckers!!!

* OK, it was a strip club.

** OK, it was a bnttle of scotch.

More Deadbeat Bloggers

For some reason, bloggers have been dropping like flies lately. Blogs that were recently teeming with activity now lay dormant, collecting dust and gathering cobwebs. Are these people dead?? Could this be the work of some deranged serial killer intent on destroying the Mighty Blog Network?? I plan to conduct a half-assed but full-fledged investigation, and I won't rest until I have answers! In the meantime, say sayonara to these lazy cocksuckers whose links you will no longer find in my sidebar.....


Assclownopolis - TFG mysteriously disappeared from the blogging community with an anticipatory post predicting an evening of "nookie," as he called it. Well that bastard must've had one hell of a night, because he hasn't been heard from since. What on earth could have happened to cause such an abrupt departure? Did contract some deadly disease from a $5 whore? The world may never know.

Confessions of a Bottle Blonde - I used to enjoy perusing this blog and drooling over its lovely author's bodacious ta-tas...that is, til the bitch went and made her blog private. Apparently you now need an invitation to look at her tits. Well LISTEN UP, woman! I am MIGHTY FUCKING DYCKERSON, and I don't need an invitation to look at knockers! I can go to Pudwhipped's blog and look at her funbags any damn time I want to!

Mephitic Nirvana - I don't even know how this piece of shit got on here to begin with. This chick was placed on probation (along with TFG) back in December. You have violated the terms of your probation, and now you are gone. Good riddance to you and your oddly titled blog!!!

Mr. Maestro - This bum took a one-month hiatus last fall...then returned only long enough to make a few lame Carrot Top jokes...then disappeared for another three months and counting. Maybe he thinks he's better than us because he's on Wordpress. Well let me tell you something, moron: Here on Blogger, you're actually expected to POST SOMETHING once in a while!! Now don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Robot Zombie Vampire - McFatty, author of the long gone Blog Portland, made a feeble attempt at a comeback with this pathetic excuse for a blog. We all hoped he would return to his former glory, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Instead, we are left with the domestic ramblings of his alcholic wife and mother of his seven at-risk children, Ms. McFatty.

Stop the Barking Dogs - This jackass changes URLs more often then I change my shorts. Every time he leaves, he vaguely implies that he's gone for good...but then he resurfaces with a new name and a new blog title. What the fuck, dude? Are the cops after you??! Get the fuck out of here and stop cluttering up my sidebar!


Of course, this means I have a few vacancies. And to fill one of those vacancies, I'd like you to join me in welcoming a new entry into the exclusive Mighty Blog Network: Cat Scratch Diva! I know virtually nothing about this blog, and it will probably be gone in two weeks, but the bitch begged to be added to the list, so I figured what the hell? Read it. Don't read it. Makes no difference to me.

Now before I go, I'd like to address those of you who continue to blog, but somehow don't feel the need to comment on the blogs of others...namely MINE. That's just bad blogging etiquette, and it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED here in the Mighty Blog Network. What's that? You say you're too busy??! Well LISTEN HERE, you little SHIT STAIN. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - is busier than Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson!!! Not only am I President and CEO of Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide, I also happen to be running for PRESIDENT of THESE HERE UNITED STATES!!! So SUCK IT!!!!!

Oops, I Did It Again

(AP) DYCKERSONVILLE - Mighty Dyckerson is back home today after being rushed to Cedar-Sinai hospital for a psychiatric evaluation last night. Police were called to Dyckerson's residence last night after neighbors reported an altercation between the famous internet blogger and his common-law wife Sassy Blondie.

When police arrived on the scene, they found Mighty Dyckerson laying on the kitchen floor covered in broken glass and curled up in the fetal position. Witnesses report hearing blood curdling screams emanating from the house around midnight.

"The screams were definitely coming from Dyckerson," said Danielle the HOR, longtime friend and neighbor.

"I'm sorry I wasn't home to enjoy it," said Ms. Karla J. Babble. "I was at the hospital giving birth to my ninth child."

"I am just a simple lymie from a faraway land," said Mr. Stan Bull of Turkey. "Nevertheless, I urge all Americans to vote for Dyckerson in November!"

Sassy Blondie released this statement to the press: "The bastard is psycho! We were engaging in sexual intercourse, and he pulled out this rusty metal thing and tried to violate me with it! He kept calling it his poon spoon! So I knocked him upside the head with a vase!"

Mighty Dyckerson was transported to Cedar-Sinai via whambulance, where paramedics reported more peculiar behavior from the celebrated monkey clown. Several female rescue workers stated that Dyckerson repeatedly ripped out his IV tube and attempted to fondle their ample bosoms.

"The man is an animal," said one EMT. "Can I get his number?"

Upon hearing the news, TV's Dr. Feel McGroin rushed to the hospital to be at Dyckerson's bedside.

"I am here not as a celebrity, but as a doctor. I have nothing but genuine concern for Dyckerson and his family," said Dr. Feel last night during his third press conference. "Now be sure to buy my new book - What The Hell Are You, An Idiot?? - available in fine bookstores everywhere."

Still in question is who will get custody of Mighty Dyckerson's son, Dyck Jr., whom he fathered during his third marriage to RevRee. Dyckerson is resting comfortably at home and is expected to return to blogging shortly.

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #1

And now, the exciting conclusion to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts, DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!



DICK: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen! The moment you've all been waiting for! Yes, it's time for us to reveal Mighty Dyckerson's number 1 post of 2007! You can really feel the excitement, can't you Ryan??

RYAN: Yeah, whatever. Feel THIS, you wrinkled old corpse!



DICK: This wrinkled corpse can still kick your pansy ass, princess! Anyway, the number 1 post was published way back in October 2007. Mighty Dyckerson had just returned from a weekend retreat in the mountains where he encountered some wild and exotic animals. Coming in at number 1, here's The Call Of The Wild!!!

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RYAN: Ha ha ha ha ha! That's precious! And that's it for our 2007 countdown! Dick, as always, its been a pain in the butt working with you.

DICK: You should know all about butt pain, you no-talent ass goblin!

RYAN: Why don't you fucking retire, old timer?? You're irrelevant in today's world!

DICK: That's it! You're going DOWN, bitch!!



This has been THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN! Thanks for joining us, and Happy New Year!!!

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #4 - #2

And now, we return to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!


DICK: Thank you so much, and welcome back! I'm TV's Dick Clark! Ryan and I are counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten posts of 2007!

RYAN: That's right, you old fossil...and we're getting down to the wire, folks! The excitement in the air is simply indescribable! Wouldn't you say so, Dick?

DICK: How the fuck did you get this job anyway? Wasn't Regis available??

RYAN: Ha ha, you're such a kidder! Let's move on to number 4 on the big countdown! As some of you may recall, a new weight loss drug called Alli hit the market. Well when Mighty Dyckerson got wind of this, he really hit the roof! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Anyway, without further ado, here's Pardon My Oily Spotting!!!

DICK: Seriously, did you win a contest or something? I don't get it!!

--------------------

RYAN: Wow, that was really super! Hey Dick, I just realized something! Your first name is Dick, and Mighty Dyckerson's name is Dyck! That's Dick and Dyck! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

DICK: Yeah, two dicks. You must really be in Heaven right now. OK, moving right along...number 3 on our countdown is really a literary masterpiece. Penned only a few weeks ago, it's the haunting and enchanting Ode To Sassy Blondie!!!

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DICK: Hey Ryan, what's the longest running game show in daytime television?

RYAN: Well it sure as hell wasn't that "Pyramid" show, was it? They canceled that piece of shit like 2o years ago! I was still in high school! Ha ha ha ha!

DICK: Your breath reeks of semen. Anyway, I was referring of course to "The Price is Right." Our Mighty D. went to see a taping of that very show last April, and he chronicled his entire trip in a 7-part series aptly titled, A Dyck In Hollywood!

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RYAN: Wow, that was really great! I can't imagine what could possibly top that! How about you, gramps??

DICK: Gramps is going to cram your tube of hair gel up your fucking ass!!

RYAN: Hey, that sounds like fun!

DICK: I should have known. Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow for the NUMBER 1 POST OF 2007!! We'll see you then!!!

RYAN: What did you mean by that last comment?

DICK: You're my bitch now, so just drop it.

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #7 - #5

Welcome back to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!




DICK: Hi everybody, and welcome back! If you're just joining us, we're counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten blog posts of 2007! This is truly exciting! There's a certain electricity in the air tonight! Wouldn't you agree, Ryan?

RYAN: Right you are, you miserable old shitbag! Yesterday we left off at number 8, so what do you say we get this ball rolling again with number 7??!

DICK: I'm sure you know all about balls, you queer motherfu-

RYAN: Okay then, moving right along! Number 7 on the countdown is a hilarious post Mighty D. wrote while under the influence of alcohol. Here's A Drunken Post!!!

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DICK: Ryan, what do you think of when I say the word POON?

RYAN: Umm...well...I'm not really sure...

DICK: That's what I thought, Mary Poppins. Anyway, number 6 on our countdown is a post that started a whole new sensation across America! I'm talking, of course, about POON!!!

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RYAN: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Funny stuff, huh Dick??!

DICK: Why don't you just come out of the closet already? Moving on, we have two posts TIED for number 5...and they both have to do with Mighty Dyckerson's crappy I.T. job!

RYAN: Wowzers!!

DICK: Please shut your piehole. Now then, the first post in the number 5 position dates back to June 2007, and it's called quite simply, I Hate My Job.

RYAN: And the other post in the number 5 slot is sort of a page from M.D.'s diary. It's called A Day In The Life!!

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DICK: We're getting down to the wire now! Be sure to tune in tomorrow as we continue counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten posts of 2007!

RYAN: Seacrest out!

DICK: I swear to God I will stab you in the eyes if you do not shut up!!!

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #10 - #8

Now it's time for THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN! And here are your hosts, DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!!!



DICK: Thank you very much, and welcome to our show. I'm TV's Dick Clark!

RYAN: And I'm Ryan Seacrest. I have no talent whatsoever. But over the next few days, I'll be helping Dick to ring in the new year by counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten blog posts of 2007!

DICK: Right you are, you fucking fruitcake! Let's get started with number 10. The year 2007 came in with a real bang when Saddam Hussein got his neck stretched for being such a meanie. And our own Mighty Dyckerson scored the interview of the year when he sat down with Ralph Al-Yossef, the guy who executed Saddam. Coming in at number 10, here's Dope On A Rope!!!

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RYAN: Ahh, that was a classic. Being gay, I appreciate a good butt...especially when it's on a guy. But earlier this year, Mighty Dyckerson wrote about a female fanny that made quite an impression on him. Here's number 9 on our countdown, I Am An Ass Man!!!

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DICK: Ha ha ha ha ha! You know Ryan, when I look at you, I immediately think about feces.

RYAN: Bite me, you washed-up old prune.

DICK: Shut it, asshole. I brought up feces because we have TIE at number 8...and both posts deal with excrement! The first post was about an unfortunate incident that took place in a movie theater years ago. It's called Sandra Bullock Makes Me Crap My Pants. The second post was so good, it was a two-parter! From September 2007, I give you An Inconvenient Poop!!! And don't forget An Inconvenient Poop - Part 2!!!

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RYAN: That's some great material right there!

DICK: You got that right, you flaming fucker! Stay tuned tomorrow for numbers 7 through 5!!!!!

Deadbeat Bloggers

'Tis the season to be jolly...and to say adios to the delinquent bloggers in my sidebar. As you know, being a Mighty Blog affiliate is a privilege, not a right. And as such, I reserve the right to tell you to FUCK OFF if you refuse to regularly update your blog with high quality material such as that found here on The Mighty Blog. So without further ado, here is the latest round of fuckoffs. Did YOU make the list???


Because Scientists Really Are Funnier Than You Are - This is still an active blog, but dammit, it's too fucking hard to read. The text is too small, and it blends in to the background. Not only that, but the posts overlap into the right sidebar. Messy and not worth the effort.

Blog Portland - All you have to do is click the link to see why this blog is getting the axe. Our old friend McFatty apparently moved on without leaving a forwarding address. This is a big NO-NO per the Mighty Blog Affiliates Code:

• Section II, Paragraph 3: An affiliate blog may not cease operations without the prior written consent of Mighty Dyckerson or a designated representative of Mighty Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide.

I Must Be Slipping - Yeah, you're slipping, alright. You haven't updated your fucking blog since SEPTEMBER. Take a hike, loser.

Otaku Photog (AKA "EWink") - This guy is a news videographer. Every day he deals with fires, car wrecks, and mangled bodies. If anybody should have an ample supply of blog fodder, it's him. But does he share any of it with us?? NOOOOO!!! See you in Hell, EWink!!!

Randomness - She posts. She doesn't post. She posts. She doesn't post. I've tried coaching her. I've tried counseling her. I even paid for her boob job. Well I'm through with that bitch!*

Scary Monster - This is a perfect example of what happens when a new blogger takes to the Internets by storm, adding new blog posts several times every day. He set an impossible pace for himself, and eventually he got burned out. It's sad, really. It pains me to have to do this, but Monster, I'm FUCKING YOU OFF.

Surreptitious Psychosis - In her most recent post, Aza promises to update again soon. Well that was back in August. AUGUST, people!!! Well Aza, I'm deleting your blog SOON...and by soon, I mean NOW.

Tiny Voices in My Head - Here's a hot chick who had herself a really nice blog. Interesting content, lots of readers, everything you could ever ask for. But she had to piss it all away to start some girlie rock band and pretend to play guitar. I bet she only knows one chord. Such a shame.


Finally, there are several bloggers on the endangered species list. These blogs are hereby placed on PROBATION until they are updated by their rightful owners:

• Assclownopolis
• Mephitic Nirvana
• Schitz and Giggles
• Florid Organum Straight from the Southside

That's it, you've been warned! If you dipshits don't get your shit together fast, you're going on the chopping block during the next round of fuckoffs! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!




* Please come back, darling!

Ode to Sassy Blondie

And now, without further ado, the world premiere of my latest literary masterpiece...Ode to Sassy Blondie!!!

I once met a blogger
She was blonde and quite sassy
Her boobs were real perky
And she had a nice assy

She likes to wear pants
That are made out of flannel
We make out on the Internets
While I watch the porn channel

We chit and we chat
And I try to seduce her
But my sexual advances
Only serve to amuse her

This chick whom I know
Who is blonde and quite sassy
Has a heart that's as big
As all of Tallahassee

She hangs out in bookstores
With rude, horny gays
Their groping disgusts her
But she watches anyways

She goes to wild parties
To drink and to dance
She sends out text messages
Yet her phone's in her pants

Catholic is this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She flirts with her priest
During midnight massy

The boys in her school
Graze against her heaving chest
They play with their wankers
And imagine her undressed

She was once almost killed
By a drunk in a Fury
Would've shot his dumb ass
If she hadn't been in a hurry

Did I mention that this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
Is a hell of a baker
And as sweet as molassy?

She made me a batch
Of chocolate chip cookies
I ate them all up
And I gave her some nookie

We're thinking of moving
To the city of Denver
But it's already too cold
And it's only December

Another thing about this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She was stalked by a psycho -
Charged him with sexual harassy

We'll have a quick wedding
And a long honeymoon
She'll service my wang
And I'll lick her sweet poon

We'll marry and settle
And have dozens of kids
They'll wear out her hoo-ha
And they'll all die of SIDS

I'm in love with a blogger
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She beat me at dominoes
But her act is real classy

Special Delivery

Everybody knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But nobody knows this more than my good friend Sassy Blondie. Actually, she's more than just a good friend. If I have anything to do with it, she'll be the future Mrs. Dyckerson!

Yesterday I came home to find a very special package waiting for me on my doorstep. So special, in fact, that it even outranks the ONKYO TX-SR505S I received back in September. Take a look...


With great anticipation, I carefully lifted the box, made sure it wasn't ticking, and carried it into the kitchen. After placing the package on my filthy counter, I broke open the official post office seal using the same pair of scissors I had used to trim my pubes just one night before. Upon opening the box, I was greeted by a generous supply of everybody's favorite packing material, bubble wrap...


My first instinct was to pop every single one of those bubbly little fuckers, but I had bigger fish to fry. And after frying my fish, I returned to my mystery package, yanked out the bubble wrap, and unveiled my reward...


Yes, not even high-end electronics can beat a batch of DELICIOUS HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES loving baked to perfection by a SASSY BLONDE! Am I right guys??! Not only that, but check out the wrapping...


FOUR DOZEN COOKIES...each dozen sealed in its own plastic baggy by a colorful festive ribbon!! I hope the people at Chips Ahoy are reading this, because THIS is how you make chocolate chip cookies!! Not only did Ms. Blondie bake these delectable morsels JUST FOR ME, but look at this...


This woman spent nearly TEN FUCKING DOLLARS on postage alone!! I spent less than that on my first blowjob! If that isn't love, I don't know what is. The package also contained a card, which is all good and well, but I wanted those fucking cookies!!


So moist...so chewy...so packed with sassy goodness! Each mouth watering cookie personally licked by Ms. Blondie for extra sweetness! I couldn't eat just one! In fact, I couldn't eat just one dozen! That's right, I ate ALL 48 COOKIES in one sitting and washed it down with a bottle of ice cold Corona Light! As I spent the remainder of the evening puking my guts out, I kept thinking to myself, I'm going to marry that woman.


Of course, one good turn deserves another. That's why I'm going to make my sweet Sassy Blondie a pot of Grandpa Dyckerson's famous PORK RIND STEW! No need to thank me, darling. You're worth it. And not only that, but I am currently putting the finishing touches on my latest opus - a little something I like to call Ode to Sassy Blondie. The literary community is already buzzing about this poetic masterpiece, and in a couple of days, you'll be able to read it for yourself...right here, on The Mighty Blog! Stay tuned!!!

Virginia is for Bloggers

And now, a message from Mighty Dyckerson, ambassador and unofficial spokesdyck for the Commonwealth of Virginia Board of Tourism...

Virginia is a state rich in history and natural beauty. Founded in 1776 by Virginius W. Cornholio, it is home to over 10,000 people and nearly 400 species of wildlife*. The economy is thriving**, the crime rate is low***, and the job market is strong****. Bottom line, Virginia is a terrific place to live...especially if you're a certain sassy blonde who is thinking about relocating and raising a family.

There is plenty to see and do in our fair state. You'll find endless beauty from the white sands of Virginia Beach.....








.....to the majestic peaks of the Blue Ridge Mountains.







Virginia is also home to historic Jamestown where you can buy postcards with pictures of gay homosexuals and clever captions that say "Visit Jamestown."






Another interesting fact about Virginia: TV's Andy Griffith once took a dump at a rest stop in Manassas while on his way home to North Carolina!






Let's say you're getting on in years and are nearing retirement age. Virginia's assisted living facilities are among the best in the nation!***** And you can die here knowing your body will be buried in some of the most fertile soil on the entire eastern seaboard!******

So what are you waiting for? Come one, come all to Virginia!!!



* These are rough estimates. Emphasis on ROUGH.
** Especially if you're in the illegal narcotics business.
*** If you don't count murders, thefts, and assaults.
**** McDonald's is always hiring.
***** OK, I completely made that one up.
****** Granted that's not saying much.

STRIKE!

There's a major crisis here at the headquarters of Mighty Blog. Last night at exactly 12:01am, my entire writing staff walked off the job complaining of low wages and poor working conditions. People, I am in shock here! I'm the greatest boss in the world! It even says so on the coffee mug I bought for myself from Target!

Low wages??! I pay each and every one of my writers in authentic "Dyck Dollars," which can be used to purchase a wide assortment of Mighty Dyckerson merchandise at the Mighty Blog Novelty Shoppe. For example, with their employee discount, writers can acquire one of my gently used condoms for only $90 Dyck Dollars! That's nearly 1% off the retail price!*

Poor working conditions??! WTF? My writers get relatively clean drinking water and two heaping bowls of rice every day...plus I personally hose down their cages at least once a month. Now while it is true that underperforming writers are subject to random tasing, I would hardly consider that a bad thing. So one guy died last week. The fans come first! Besides, how was I supposed to know the bastard had a fucking pacemaker??

Anyway, until we can get this misunderstanding cleared up, you may notice a few changes around here. First, there will be far fewer jokes about poon, poop, and Ms. Babble's illegitimate children. Instead, expect to read more jokes about Ovaltine, airplane peanuts, and Ms. Babble's sexual promiscuity.

In addition, I may occasionally have to resort to reusing old material. I will make every effort to ensure that these insertions are as seamless as possible. You probably won't even notice it. (Did I tell you about that tramp Ms. Babble?? Geez, does she ever get around!!)

And finally, many of my witty, satirical posts will be replaced by grainy cell phone pictures of Miracle Ass:




But fear not, Dyck fans! I have several bargaining tools at my disposal, and I am quite confident that we can negotiate a deal that is fair and just.....




* Not including 5% sales tax and 10% processing fee.

The Call of the Wild

The life of a superstar blogger is wrought with incredible stress. Week after week I am under constant pressure to produce the top quality entertainment you've come to expect from The Mighty Blog. Trust me, it's no day on the bitch. Sometimes I just need to take a day or two and get away from it all. So last weekend, I loaded up the DyckMobile with rations and headed for the mountains to become one with nature. (Long time readers may remember my previous trip back in 2005.)



The area was teeming with rare and exotic wildlife, and being the animal lover I am, I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a snapshot or three. Take a look for yourself.....


The first animal I encountered was the North American zebra, easily identifiable by its squinty eyes and mix of black and white coloring. They are nomadic creatures who tend to roam the midwest in search of career opportunities. Their fingers are incredibly nimble, making them quite adept at text messaging.





This rare bird is known chiefly by its scientific name, boobicus giganticus. The female of this species is characterized by their enormous teets, which they often use to gain favor with males especially during mating season.






I used my telephoto lens to snap this photo of the ferocious grizzly hor. Note its furry coat and devilish grin. These animals are extremely dangerous and are best avoided. But if cornered, your best defense is to rub its crotch until it curls up in a ball and purrs like a kitten. They tend to hibernate in winter and masturbate in spring, summer, and fall.





This is the giant hooterfly, an interesting specimen known mainly for its filthy mouth. The hooterfly is attracted to gay hairdressers and feeds mainly on a steady diet of fermented beverages.






Not long after spotting the hooterfly, I managed to capture the first known photograph of the elusive sassysquatch. The picture turned out rather blurry, but I'm betting I can still sell this photo to the The Globe.






Here is the infamous monsteria scaricus, or scary monster. This slimy, disgusting creature is known for its poor grammar and its violent stomping behavior.







This hideous beast is the flat chested horny babbler, a rather unintelligent species that breeds at an alarming rate. In fact, they are such a nuisance that hunters are encouraged to shoot them on sight to help reduce their population.






Next up is the dixie chick, an outspoken foul with controversial political beliefs. They are often spotted around trailer parks, tractor pulls, and NASCAR events. This particular dixie chick was strutting its tail feathers in search of a cock to mate with.





At one point on my journey, I was almost attacked by this rabid British coon. These coons, which are native to England, Turkey, and other third world countries, feed mostly on tea and krumpets. Their thick coats are the perfect breeding ground for ticks and therefore carry lymie disease.





And finally, the highlight of my trip: A rare sighting of the handsome silver tongued poon hound. Known for its extremely large genitalia, only one of these magnificent beasts exists in captivity and is scheduled to be released in 15 months (12 on good behavior).

***AFFILIATE ALERT***

ATTENTION ALL MIGHTY BLOG AFFILIATES: Some of you may have been experiencing difficulty viewing the wonderful graphic elements that make up The Mighty Blog. After conducting an exhaustive investigation, I have determined the culprit: Comcast online storage. This is where I keep The Mighty Blog's image files, and apparently the geniuses at Comcast recently made a change that rendered the images invisible to users of Internets Explorer. Therefore I have moved all of The Mighty Blog graphics to an alternate online storage service. This includes The Mighty Blog mascot, The Mighty Blog banner, The Mighty Blog flashing light matrix, The Mighty Blog sidebar headers, and last but not least, The Mighty Blog Seal Of Affiliation.

Many of you have the official Seal Of Affiliation prominently displayed on your blogs. If you have your own copies of the Seal Of Affiliation, then you're fine. However, if you are hot linking to my old storage site on Comcast, you will need to update your code to point to the new site located here, on Botophucket. You have 48 hours to comply with this directive, or your affiliate status may be subject to immediate suspension or revocation.

And now, a final word to the folks at Comcrap. This ordeal has caused me a great deal of emotional stress and anxiety. As such, I feel I should be compensated. You will be hearing from my attorneys in short order. And a word of warning: They're Jewish. I suggest you accept the settlement they are proposing. That is all.

A Night at the Oprah

Lambo isn't the only blogger who has been sending me disturbing correspondences. Last week I received rather a suspicious plain white envelope in the mail from our old friend RevRee. I immediately sent it to the boys in the lab* to have it tested for anthrax and nerve gas, but luckily it turned out negative. Upon opening the package, I was overcome by noxious fumes emanating from deep inside. For a moment I thought I would have to fire the boys in the lab and get me some new boys. But I was later informed by RevRee that the caustic substance was commercially available form of perfume known as a "body splash." Now I don't know about you, but I always thought "body splash" was something that happened on the toilet after eating too much chili.

I dumped the contents of the package on the kitchen counter. The first thing that caught my eye was a greeting card with a black and white photo of a somewhat homely woman in a cheerleading outfit. Printed on the inside of the card: "Edward was secretly amused after winning the title of Miss Lubbock." And scribbled underneath was something to the effect of, "HA HA HA, isn't that funny??!" Sorry RevRee, but the only greeting cards I enjoy are the ones that contain cash. But thanks anyway.

The other item contained in this package was a gold, shiny disc-shaped object with the words "OPRAH DAVE" written in black magic marker. Must be a CD by some new rock group, I thought. But then I remembered: Eight years ago, RevRee promised to send me a DVD of David Letterman's appearance on the Oprah show. (Apparently the mail is a little slow in the Podunk town she lives in.)

Before I continue, let's set the record straight. I do not like Oprah or any of her book club joining, spirit feeling, Maya Angelou worshiping followers. These brainwashed yentas and their scented candles are a danger to society and need to be stopped. However, I do enjoy the comedy stylings of Mr. David Letterman, a man who rarely appears on other peoples' shows. So it was with great anticipation that I slid the OPRAH DAVE disc in my DVD player.

I don't think I've ever sat through an entire Oprah program in my entire life...and after sitting through this DVD, now I know why. The show begins with Oprah's grand entrance. I swear to you, when this woman walks into a room, it was like the second coming of Christ. I haven't heard so much hooting and hollering since alcohol-induced night of debauchery with a certain Ms. Babble. Oprah's intro was shot with approximately 37 cameras, NONE OF WHICH appear to be in focus. I'm guessing that's the way Oprah likes it.

Oprah said a few words to her loyal subjects, but it was hard to hear anything over the cackling and screaming. Finally, Dave came out and took a seat in one of Oprah's oversized, overpadded chairs. Oprah then proceeded to ask Dave a series of predictable questions about fatherhood, being a comedian, and surviving a sextuple heart bypass. Really groundbreaking material.

I just don't get it. How the fuck did this no-talent nappy headed ho get to be fucking famous?? What do you bitches see in her anyway??! Geez, if you're going to idolize somebody, it should be a MAN...and that man should be ME!

To add insult to injury, Dave didn't even do the full hour. The second half of the show consisted of a mind blowing interview with the one and only Lisa Marie Presley, who spoke for 20 minutes about what it's like having Presley for a last name. Oprah reached for a box of Kleenex as the obligatory sobbing began. It was at this point that I snatched the DVD from the player, tossed it in my own Presley, and shat upon it with great vigor. (Can you say IRONY???)

Now let that serve as a lesson for the rest of you. If you're thinking of sending me a package, that package better contain CASH, PORN, or a combination of cash AND porn. You got that??!



* I do not have a lab, nor do I have any boys. Unless you count my houseboy Pepe.