Ladies and gentlemen, I have done it again! No, I didn't take another dump behind an area high school. I just scored the interview that everybody has been wanting to get: Captain Chesley Q. Sullenberger, the U.S. Airways pilot who successfully landed an airplane on the Hudson River after both engines got goosed. So take that, CNN! Here's the official transcript:
Dyck: First of all, thank you for taking time to meet with me today.
Sully: No problemo, homes.
Dyck: I think the first question on everybody's mind is your first name. Chesley. What's the deal with that?
Sully: Look, I can't help it if my parents were fags. Why do you think I make people call me Sully?
Dyck: Fair enough. So tell us the events leaving up to that harrowing flight last Thursday.
Sully: Well, it was a day like any other day. I got up, fixed myself a scotch and soda, downed a couple of Pop Tarts, and headed out. The wife was bitching about how cold it was, so I stopped by Goodwill and got an awesome deal on a used Snuggie.
Dyck: Perhaps we could skip ahead to the flight itself...
Sully: Oh yeah. Well everything was fine at first. We took off from LaGuardia and started making our ascent. I remember seeing a flock of geese headed straight for us...and the next thing I know, KABLAM!! Two engines done blowed up!
Dyck: That must have been horrifying.
Sully: Not really at first. See, I thought Airbuses had like six or seven engines. Then my co-pilot reminded me there were only two. Boy, was my face red!
Dyck: Who is your co-pilot?
Sully: God. Ha, ha! Just kidding! That's an old pilot's joke. Actually his name is Striker. Ted Striker.
Dyck: So what happened next?
Sully: I knew we couldn't make it back to the airport. We were going to try to land in Central Park, but we couldn't because of all the fucking trees. We finally settled on the Hudson.
Dyck: Is that when you told the passengers to brace for impact?
Sully: Heh. Not exactly. What I actually said was, Put your heads between your legs and kiss your asses goodbye!!!
Dyck: That wasn't very encouraging.
Sully: Hey, have you ever tried landing a billion ton metal tube on a river filled with shit and cadavers??!
Dyck: OK, OK. I guess that's when your years of training really kicked in.
Sully: Umm, yeah. About the training thing. Seems the media kinda screwed that up. This is only my second week of flying. Before that I was a bartender. I think you got me confused with Captain Wesley Baconberger from Queens. Happens all the time. Now that guy's quite a pilot!
Dyck: Wow. So in spite of your lack of experience, you were able to pull off a water landing with no fatalities??
Sully: Well, I do have some experience. I've got Wings of War and Flight Academy on my XBox. The graphics are really amazing.
Dyck: I see. So the plane has stopped, and you're floating in the water. What next?
Sully: At that point, my survival instincts kicked in. I knew we only had a short time before the plane would sink, so I wanted to get rid of as much weight as possible. Rosie O'Donnell happened to be sitting in first class, so I tossed her overboard. The plane immediately rose several feet. Then there was a crippled kid in a wheelchair blocking the emergency exit, so I threw him overboard as well.
Dyck: How awful!!
Sully: Tell me about it. One of that kid's wheels rolled over my left foot. Very painful. Anyway, a boat showed up right after that, so I pushed the other passengers out of the way and climbed on board.
Dyck: You mean you didn't stay and help the passengers??
Sully: Well DUH! It was fucking freezing out there!! Besides, that's the stewardess' job. I think. Hell, I don't know.
Dyck: So what's next for you?
Sully: I'm doing two segments on Rachel Ray tomorrow. We're making Chesley Sullen Burgers. After that, I need to talk to my attorney about getting a divorce.
Dyck: A divorce? I didn't know your marriage was in trouble.
Sully: It's not...but now that I'm a hero, I can get all the poon I want! No sense in being tied down, if you know what I mean.
Dyck: Well good luck with that. And thanks for being here on The Mighty Blog.
Sully: Anytime. Peace out, bitches!!