Many of you have been wondering where I've been the last few weeks. Some of you believe I was incarcerated. Others are under the impression I was in some sort of rehab facility. A few people even think I was abducted by aliens who probed me anally for fun and amusement. Well all of you are WRONG.
You see, there comes a time in every man's existence when he must take pause and examine his life. For me, that time came about two weeks ago. There I was, perched atop my porcelain throne with my laptop computer, about to update you on my quest to break the all-time toilet sitting record.
As I was getting ready to upload a photo of my latest bowel movement, it hit me like a bag of wet pork rinds: Dyckerson, you are 35 years old. You're still single, you have no children, no legacy whatsoever. Every night you come home to an empty house and eat Cheetos on the couch until you pass out. Dyckerson, your life is PERFECT!!!!!
Just then, I dropped my laptop down the shitter and I've been without Internet access ever since.
I'M JUST YANKING YOUR CHAIN!!!
Truth is, I just haven't fucking felt like blogging. There, I said it. Is that OK with you neanderthals??! Can't a guy take a damn break every once in a while without being pestered and nagged??! GEEZ!!!!!
Besides, I've been busy. Many exciting things have been taking place here at Casa de Dyck, and rest assured I'll be telling you all about it in the days and weeks to come. So sit back, relax, and GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!!!