Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Call of the Wild

The life of a superstar blogger is wrought with incredible stress. Week after week I am under constant pressure to produce the top quality entertainment you've come to expect from The Mighty Blog. Trust me, it's no day on the bitch. Sometimes I just need to take a day or two and get away from it all. So last weekend, I loaded up the DyckMobile with rations and headed for the mountains to become one with nature. (Long time readers may remember my previous trip back in 2005.)



The area was teeming with rare and exotic wildlife, and being the animal lover I am, I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a snapshot or three. Take a look for yourself.....


The first animal I encountered was the North American zebra, easily identifiable by its squinty eyes and mix of black and white coloring. They are nomadic creatures who tend to roam the midwest in search of career opportunities. Their fingers are incredibly nimble, making them quite adept at text messaging.





This rare bird is known chiefly by its scientific name, boobicus giganticus. The female of this species is characterized by their enormous teets, which they often use to gain favor with males especially during mating season.






I used my telephoto lens to snap this photo of the ferocious grizzly hor. Note its furry coat and devilish grin. These animals are extremely dangerous and are best avoided. But if cornered, your best defense is to rub its crotch until it curls up in a ball and purrs like a kitten. They tend to hibernate in winter and masturbate in spring, summer, and fall.





This is the giant hooterfly, an interesting specimen known mainly for its filthy mouth. The hooterfly is attracted to gay hairdressers and feeds mainly on a steady diet of fermented beverages.






Not long after spotting the hooterfly, I managed to capture the first known photograph of the elusive sassysquatch. The picture turned out rather blurry, but I'm betting I can still sell this photo to the The Globe.






Here is the infamous monsteria scaricus, or scary monster. This slimy, disgusting creature is known for its poor grammar and its violent stomping behavior.







This hideous beast is the flat chested horny babbler, a rather unintelligent species that breeds at an alarming rate. In fact, they are such a nuisance that hunters are encouraged to shoot them on sight to help reduce their population.






Next up is the dixie chick, an outspoken foul with controversial political beliefs. They are often spotted around trailer parks, tractor pulls, and NASCAR events. This particular dixie chick was strutting its tail feathers in search of a cock to mate with.





At one point on my journey, I was almost attacked by this rabid British coon. These coons, which are native to England, Turkey, and other third world countries, feed mostly on tea and krumpets. Their thick coats are the perfect breeding ground for ticks and therefore carry lymie disease.





And finally, the highlight of my trip: A rare sighting of the handsome silver tongued poon hound. Known for its extremely large genitalia, only one of these magnificent beasts exists in captivity and is scheduled to be released in 15 months (12 on good behavior).

Monday, October 22, 2007

***AFFILIATE ALERT***

ATTENTION ALL MIGHTY BLOG AFFILIATES: Some of you may have been experiencing difficulty viewing the wonderful graphic elements that make up The Mighty Blog. After conducting an exhaustive investigation, I have determined the culprit: Comcast online storage. This is where I keep The Mighty Blog's image files, and apparently the geniuses at Comcast recently made a change that rendered the images invisible to users of Internets Explorer. Therefore I have moved all of The Mighty Blog graphics to an alternate online storage service. This includes The Mighty Blog mascot, The Mighty Blog banner, The Mighty Blog flashing light matrix, The Mighty Blog sidebar headers, and last but not least, The Mighty Blog Seal Of Affiliation.

Many of you have the official Seal Of Affiliation prominently displayed on your blogs. If you have your own copies of the Seal Of Affiliation, then you're fine. However, if you are hot linking to my old storage site on Comcast, you will need to update your code to point to the new site located here, on Botophucket. You have 48 hours to comply with this directive, or your affiliate status may be subject to immediate suspension or revocation.

And now, a final word to the folks at Comcrap. This ordeal has caused me a great deal of emotional stress and anxiety. As such, I feel I should be compensated. You will be hearing from my attorneys in short order. And a word of warning: They're Jewish. I suggest you accept the settlement they are proposing. That is all.


Friday, October 19, 2007

A Night at the Oprah

Lambo isn't the only blogger who has been sending me disturbing correspondences. Last week I received rather a suspicious plain white envelope in the mail from our old friend RevRee. I immediately sent it to the boys in the lab* to have it tested for anthrax and nerve gas, but luckily it turned out negative. Upon opening the package, I was overcome by noxious fumes emanating from deep inside. For a moment I thought I would have to fire the boys in the lab and get me some new boys. But I was later informed by RevRee that the caustic substance was commercially available form of perfume known as a "body splash." Now I don't know about you, but I always thought "body splash" was something that happened on the toilet after eating too much chili.

I dumped the contents of the package on the kitchen counter. The first thing that caught my eye was a greeting card with a black and white photo of a somewhat homely woman in a cheerleading outfit. Printed on the inside of the card: "Edward was secretly amused after winning the title of Miss Lubbock." And scribbled underneath was something to the effect of, "HA HA HA, isn't that funny??!" Sorry RevRee, but the only greeting cards I enjoy are the ones that contain cash. But thanks anyway.

The other item contained in this package was a gold, shiny disc-shaped object with the words "OPRAH DAVE" written in black magic marker. Must be a CD by some new rock group, I thought. But then I remembered: Eight years ago, RevRee promised to send me a DVD of David Letterman's appearance on the Oprah show. (Apparently the mail is a little slow in the Podunk town she lives in.)

Before I continue, let's set the record straight. I do not like Oprah or any of her book club joining, spirit feeling, Maya Angelou worshiping followers. These brainwashed yentas and their scented candles are a danger to society and need to be stopped. However, I do enjoy the comedy stylings of Mr. David Letterman, a man who rarely appears on other peoples' shows. So it was with great anticipation that I slid the OPRAH DAVE disc in my DVD player.

I don't think I've ever sat through an entire Oprah program in my entire life...and after sitting through this DVD, now I know why. The show begins with Oprah's grand entrance. I swear to you, when this woman walks into a room, it was like the second coming of Christ. I haven't heard so much hooting and hollering since alcohol-induced night of debauchery with a certain Ms. Babble. Oprah's intro was shot with approximately 37 cameras, NONE OF WHICH appear to be in focus. I'm guessing that's the way Oprah likes it.

Oprah said a few words to her loyal subjects, but it was hard to hear anything over the cackling and screaming. Finally, Dave came out and took a seat in one of Oprah's oversized, overpadded chairs. Oprah then proceeded to ask Dave a series of predictable questions about fatherhood, being a comedian, and surviving a sextuple heart bypass. Really groundbreaking material.

I just don't get it. How the fuck did this no-talent nappy headed ho get to be fucking famous?? What do you bitches see in her anyway??! Geez, if you're going to idolize somebody, it should be a MAN...and that man should be ME!

To add insult to injury, Dave didn't even do the full hour. The second half of the show consisted of a mind blowing interview with the one and only Lisa Marie Presley, who spoke for 20 minutes about what it's like having Presley for a last name. Oprah reached for a box of Kleenex as the obligatory sobbing began. It was at this point that I snatched the DVD from the player, tossed it in my own Presley, and shat upon it with great vigor. (Can you say IRONY???)

Now let that serve as a lesson for the rest of you. If you're thinking of sending me a package, that package better contain CASH, PORN, or a combination of cash AND porn. You got that??!



* I do not have a lab, nor do I have any boys. Unless you count my houseboy Pepe.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Well I'll Be Lambed

Results of the latest (and first) Mighty Blog poll are in. As you may recall, the issue was whether or not I should add Lambo's blog to my sidebar. Well the people have spoken, and the answer is clear. A whopping 80% of you do NOT want Lambo to be a Mighty Blog affiliate! I was fully prepared to not add Lambo to my list...that is, until I received this rather disturbing message in my inbox:

LISTEN HERE, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SHIT STAIN. YOU BETTER ADD MY FUCKING BLOG TO YOUR DAMN SIDEBAR, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH A GIANT WAD OF MY ASS WOOL. THEN I'M GOING TO CUT OFF YOUR BIG FAT HEAD WITH A CHAIN SAW AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER??! PRAISE JESUS!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I was just as shocked and appalled as you are. To think this supposedly sweet, innocent ovine could have such a dark side!! I have nothing else to say except......Please join me in welcoming The Mighty Blog's newest affiliate, Lambo the Foul-Mouthed Ewe!



Saturday, October 13, 2007

A Day in the Life

03:13am - Have a horrible dream in which I couldn't breathe.

03:20am - Turns out I really can't breathe. Wake up GASPING FOR BREATH because my fucking nose (which hasn't worked right since that jackass surgeon botched my rhinoplasty following the Great Car Crash of '94) is stopped up (AGAIN).

04:30am - Somehow manage to fall asleep (or did I just pass out from a lack of oxygen?).

06:22am - Wake up - again, startled and gasping for breath. Realize I will likely DIE IN MY SLEEP from asphyxiation. It's also fucking FREEZING because the temperature plummeted 90 degrees and I left the damn window open.

07:15am - Get out of bed, pour myself some OJ, and take a massive - I mean MASSIVE - dump. I try to wipe myself, but I didn't know I still had a dingleberry hanging on back there, so I end up smearing shit all over my ass crack. Conclusion: THIS IS GOING TO BE A BANNER DAY.

07:52am - Somehow manage to leave for work a few minutes early. For a moment, I actually feel good about myself...that is, until I encounter gridlock on I-64. The cause? A stalled vehicle...way off to the SHOULDER...on the OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY. NICE GOING, ASSHOLES.

08:40am - Arrive at my shitty job ten minutes late, despite leaving ten minutes early. Throw my lunch in the freezer, pour myself some lukewarm water from the tap, and attempt to dispense some ice from the ice machine...only the ice machine is fucking EMPTY because moments ago some SELF-CENTERED JACKASS SALES WEASEL decided to steal it all for some DUMBASS CONFERENCE down the hall.

08:46am - Return to my desk in open my email. Email #1 is a message from my boss informing me that I'm supposed to be filling in for the FTP guy the next two days while he hangs out at a racetrack with a bunch of redneck dipshits. Fantastic. I am already SWAMPED with work which will not get done on time anyway...and now this. I spend the next TWO HOURS transferring data and answering questions from retards who don't know how to extract a zip file.


11:01am - On the verge of dehydration, I go to the break room to check on the ice machine. Still empty. Decide to purchase a beverage from the vending machine. Turn around only to see said vending machine being rolled out the door on a dolly. I consider throwing myself in front of it.


11:07am - Receive email from the lactating bitch in Reporting who gets to leave every day at 3:00 because she's a new mother and should therefore get special treatment. Bitch is all hot and bothered because 5,000 records in the database did not have customer ID's. That's 5,000 records...out of TWENTY MILLION. Waste the next several hours trying to sort out this mess in order to appease the bitch and her worn-out uterus.


12:00pm - Back to the break room to retrieve my lunch from the frig, only to find out I stuck it in the FREEZER by mistake. I steal somebody's pot pie and nuke it.


12:54pm - I go in the "Mother's Room" and jack off in a plastic cup. Pray to God that the bitch finds it the next time she goes in there to pump her tits.


02:23pm - Get invited to Salsa Boy's LAMEASS HALLOWEEN PARTY. I hate this guy when I'm at work, why the hell would I want to go to his house on my own time??!


03:17pm - Another email from my boss: "Why did you let so-and-so take over your project without consulting me first?" Gee, I don't know. Maybe because it's HIS FUCKING CLIENT anyway??! If you've got a problem with that, why don't you just mosey your ass over to my desk (a whopping FIFTEEN FEET AWAY) and talk to me FACE-TO-FACE??!


03:48pm - Yet another email from my boss: "You're late getting this other project done. What's the deal?" The deal is, you stuck me with the GODDAMN FTP JOB without telling me in advance, you SNIVELING LITTLE PRICK. And if you'd quit interrupting me EVERY FIVE MINUTES, maybe I could actually GET SOMETHING DONE. Or better yet, stop playing manager and DO IT YOURSELF. Or better yet, take your piece-o'-shit BMW for a drive and WRAP IT AROUND A TREE, you ASSHOLE.


04:55pm - I pass the bitch in the hall on the way to the can. She appears to be disturbed about something. Conclusion: SHE FOUND THE JIZZ CUP! There is a God!!!


05:30pm - Spend another 45 minutes in gridlock on I-64. The stalled car from this morning has been replaced by a jack knifed tractor trailer with three children pinned underneath it. At least that's something worth seeing.


06:45pm - Pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru, order three items from the dollar menu, and wait 15 minutes for the soccer mom in the minivan in front of me to dispute her order with the cashier. Apparently she wanted her cheeseburger medium well. It's fucking WENDY'S, you CUNT RAG. Consider yourself lucky the meat actually landed on the bun and GET OUT OF MY WAY!


07:02pm - Receive a strange package in the mail from RevRee. It's a DVD of Dave Letterman on Oprah from about seven years ago. Oh, and she included a note inside: "I'm pregnant and you're the father."


07:15pm - Open my rear patio door for a little fresh air, only to have my nostrils assaulted by a HORRID STENCH. Apparently something had DIED in my back yard.


07:17pm - I inspect the yard, and sure enough, there's a dead bird under a bush. I puke up my chicken nuggets, grab a shovel from the shed, and fling that fucker over the fence and into the asshole neighbor's yard. WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BASTARDS!!


08:00pm - Turn on the TV hoping for some high quality prime-time network programming. Instead, I get "Singing with D-List Celebrities" on ABC. I toss an ax through the screen.


09:12pm - Dial up the internets and check my eHarmony account. Great news: I have been matched with Helga, a 53 year old mother of three who's into NASCAR, Harleys, and long walks on the beach.


10:45pm - Time for a snack: A glass of milk and four Ding Dongs.


11:30pm - Suffer a mild heart attack and go to bed.

Monday, October 8, 2007

I'm All Shook Up

The other night I was in desperate need of a ballcock, so I decided to pay a visit to the local Lowe's Home Improvement Whorehouse to check out their fall line of plumbing fixtures. As I browsed amongst the faucets, nozzles, and assorted other paraphernalia, I came across something so amazing...so astounding...so REVOLUTIONARY...that it will forever change the way you look at toilets! A picture is worth a thousand turds, and lucky for you, I had my trusty camera phone with me. Ladies and germs, I am proud to present to you.....the PRESLEY!!!



Yes, it's really called the Presley - a throne truly fit for a "King"...or a really fat bastard who sings horrible music. Check out those sleek lines and those sexy, glistening curves. See that curvy protrusion behind the bowl and under the tank?? THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT GOES!!! Too bad it's not made of glass so you can watch it go down when you flush. I haven't drooled this much since I first unwrapped my Onkyo TX-SR505S! Too bad the Presley doesn't come in silver so they'd match. As I stood there among the many onlookers basking at its porcelain splendor, I was overcome by the urge to eat a PB & banana sandwich and gyrate my hips. I thought to myself, Dyckerson, you were meant to die upon this toilet. But with a price of $179 plus installation, this crapper was too rich for my blood.



Still, you're probably wondering if I took it for a test drive. What kind of a sick, deranged nut job do you think I am??! Of COURSE I did!! It was easy too, thanks to that Burrito Supreme I had for lunch that day. Even without a water supply, the Presley didn't disappoint. The mere sensation of my ass cheeks pressed up against the contours of that chilly seat was enough to send me to the brink of orgasm. There wasn't a square of bathroom tissue to be found, but fortunately a Lowe's associate from the lumber section let me borrow a 2x4.

That reminds me, I need to send that good samaritan a thank you note.


Sunday, October 7, 2007

They Talk Real Good

In an effort to come up with a creative topic to write about, I realized that the general public can sometimes be your best source of posts. Observe...





From the news:

Female Newscaster: "Hopefully female video gamers will see more opportunities in the future."
Male Newscaster: "And hopefully not a lot of Carpel's Tunnel."

From the workplace:

Employee: "How was your car-buying experience?"
Employer: "I think they tried to pull a switch and bait on me."

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Pok Pok


Yes, I am late to get on the Pok Pok bandwagon. But, in my defense, I was waiting for the perfect night to go, and last night was perfect. It was a pretty spontaneous decision, which made it an even better evening. Four of us waited to be seated for about 45 minutes outside under a canopy. That's ok, the conversation was good and we were excited to finally experience this place.

The inside is fairly small. They have cool metal cups and wood paneled walls. We ordered several dishes, as our friendly waiter informed us that the plates were small-ish and definitely meant for sharing. The special was a whole fried tilapia. It was magnificent. Then the remainder of the food started to arrive. A noodle dish here, some ribs, chicken, a salad and lots of sticky rice. I'm sure I'm forgetting something. This is when the night became a blur. There were laughs and lots of, "Holy crap this is awesome food" comments. Eventually there was nothing left but empty plates and sticky fingers. Yet that didn't last long, as soon as our plates were cleared, we were given wet naps. I was sort of hoping for a massage, but that didn't happen. At the end of the night, our bill came to just a tad over $80 for four people...with drinks. Such a great deal.

Pok Pok is so worth a visit, or two or five. And if you don't have time to wait for a table, there's the shack for to-go orders. I will definitely be back.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Head in the Class

I have just found my new career!

I was watching the evening news the other night, and they had this story about a shortage of male teachers in public schools. According to the report, only about 10% of elementary school teachers are men. Do you know what that means? That means 90% are WOMEN! In other words, there's NINE CHICKS for every ONE DUDE in our nation's classrooms! I LIKE THOSE NUMBERS!! Gentlemen, say adios to the smoky, crowded singles bars and expensive online dating sites like Snatch.com. All the REAL POON is hiding behind the podiums in school! I'm signing up TODAY!!!

Now don't get me wrong. Getting laid isn't my only motivation for being a teacher. How about those CUSHY HOURS?? I've never met a female teacher that didn't GRIPE AND WHINE about having to grade papers at night and tutor kids in the afternoon. Well BOO FUCKING HOO. Those bitches HAVE IT MADE! Teachers get off every major holiday, every bullshit holiday, and a whopping THREE MONTHS in the summer! Obviously they've never worked in the REAL WORLD - otherwise they wouldn't be pissing and moaning so much.

And even when they ARE working, they're not REALLY working. In a typical day, how much time do you think the average teacher actually spends teaching? Let's see, there's homeroom - nothing to do there but call roll. Then there's study hall - again, more babysitting. Then a planning period or two. Then they pass out some busy work or maybe show a filmstrip (remember those??). Then it's time for lunch, followed by another planning period in the afternoon, and you're done!!

Oh, and if you happen to get tired of all the teacher poon, just take a look at some of these girls today! Holy shit, some of them little teeny boppers could EASILY pass for 18! I can't wait to start an after-school "tutoring" program in my boudoir! Although this quote from the article has me a little troubled: "Grown men who express physical affection for small children can be accused of being pedophiles." Are you kidding me??! Is pedophilia really frowned upon in classrooms? Because if it is, somebody needs to have a talk with my 6th grade P.E. teacher.

Yeah, I know there's that whole issue with pay. Supposedly teachers don't make a lot of coin, and that does concern me. I'd have to trade my five-figure salary for.....another five-figure salary where the first figure is smaller. But think about it. First of all, you got JOB SECURITY. You can go anywhere in the country and find a teaching gig. Get caught fucking a student in the girls' locker room? No problem! Just resign and move to another district!! Then you got your GOVERNMENT PERKS. Teachers work a paltry 35 weeks a year...and on top of that, they get pensions, paid tuitions, 401Ks, and all kinds of freebies and discounts. And let's not forget about the FRINGE BENEFITS! We're talking a veritable smorgasbord of FIRST-CLASS POON! You can't put a price tag on that!!!

Seriously though, I'll have to overcome a couple of obstacles before I can gain access to all that poon. For example, teachers are required to be licensed in most states. What a load of CRAP. I educate and enlighten tens of people on The Mighty Blog every fucking day. Do you think I have a LICENSE??! Then there's the issue of pre-employment background checks. Look, I may have had a few misunderstandings with law enforcement in the past, but why should the schools care?? My personal life is NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm off to Staples to buy some chalk sticks and self-adhesive gold stars!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Bloggers in the News

I am pleased to announce the lovely Randomness, subject of the literary masterpiece Ode to Randomness, has been reinstated as a Mighty Blog affiliate! This comes after a six month absence during which time I impregnated her with my pork rind dick, causing her to give birth to a dead pig. Well done Randomness!


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To make room for Randomness' return, I'm giving the ax to deadbeat blogger Lux Lisbon and her never-updated I'm Not Defensive. I'm also tempted to pull the plug on Malnurtured Snay. He/she/it is still an active blogger, but he/she/it never shows up around here anymore. I'll give him/her/it a break this once, but next time, he/she/it may not be so lucky. Snay, consider yourself warned!

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Meanwhile, Lambo is at it again. She is begging me to add her ovine blog to my exclusive list of affiliates. Frankly, I'm just not comfortable doing this. Lambo's G-rated blog is severely lacking in references to flatulence, bowel movements, blowjobs, porn, and poon. But I hate to be the one to disappoint the little ball of lint, so I'm putting it to a vote! You'll find a special Mighty Blog poll just below the Chat Hole in the sidebar.*

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And finally, my third wife ADW threatened to slit her own wrists if I don't answer the following five questions. I hate to see good POON go to waste, so here you go:

1. You have control of the world's oil reserves. What do you do next? I get myself a chainsaw, a Nubian goat, and a bottle of Henessee. I utilize the chainsaw to cut down some redwoods and build a fort to protect my oil reserves. The Nubian goat will stand guard outside the gate, and if anybody tries to hurt him, I will bash in their skulls with the Henessee bottle.

2. Me and my girlfriends are out drinking and we run into you. What happens? I will impregnate all of you with my 35-year-old pork rind dick.

3. You have a chainsaw, a Nubian Goat and a bottle of Henessee. What do you do with them? See #1.

4. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck? A woodchuck can't chuck wood, so fuck that woodchuck with a hockey puck and make that schmuck suck a lucky duck.

5. What is your penis called and do you have names for your testicles?
My penis is Sir Squirtsalot. My testicles are named Manny, Moe, and Jack.



* Mighty Dyckerson reserves the right to alter poll results to his liking.