Ladies and germs, it's time yet again for another installment of...
As many of you know, I am always looking for new drugs to ridicule. Who could forget my scathing review of Requip, the prercription drug for morons with Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)? Not only did I expose RLS as a bullshit disease, but I pointed out Requip's many side effects, which turn out to be worse than the disease itself!
Now one of my operatives has told me about a new drug for fat people. It's called Alli, and it's the first FDA approved over-the-counter diet pill. Despite its $60 price tag, this shit is apparently selling like hotcakes. In fact, most stores display it right next to the hotcakes, because anybody who eats hotcakes will most likely need Alli.
I can't begin to imagine how many government palms the GlaxoSmithKlinePfizerLever people must have greased in order to get this drug approved. I'm guessing they were able to slip it through because they include a booklet that promotes a healthy diet and exercise. Well FUCK THAT! If I wanted to eat RABBIT FOOD and do SQUAT THRUSTS, I wouldn't need your STUPID PILLS at all, now would I??!
But the real beauty of Alli is its side effects. Actually, their web site calls them "treatment effects." They can sugar coat it all they want, but suffice it to say if you take their pills, you'll be spending every waking hour wiping the "treatment effects" off your ass. According to their web site, effects MAY include:
- Gas with oily spotting. I'm quite familiar with the concept of gas, but what the hell is "oily spotting"? Where will these "spots" be located, and how will I dispose of them? I can see myself now, donning a biohazard suit in the middle of the night and sneaking my oil saturated shorts to the dumpster behind Exxon to avoid getting slapped with a disposal fee.
- Loose stools. Exactly how do you defind loose?? Are we talking about a slow-moving lava flow or a full blown volcanic eruption? I'd like to know in case I need to have my plumbing system upgraded!
- More frequent stools that may be hard to control. Delightful. In other words, I better pick up a package of adult diapers on the way home from work tomorrow. Either that or get myself fitted for a colostomy bag. Hell, I may as well check into a nursing home. I'll have a lot of fun explaining that one to Blue Cross.
The web site continues: The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza. Gee, thanks a lot for the visual. Excuse me a moment while I THROW UP. Yep, I feel thinner already.
In addition, the good people at Alli offer this helpful hint: If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with Alli until the event is over. I can see it now. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.....Sweet Lord almighty, what the fuck is that SMELL??!"
Here's another piece of sage advice, taken directly from the Alli web site: Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work. By "dark," do they by any chance mean BROWN? I'm supposed to wear BROWN PANTS every day...and bring EXTRAS??! Is it just me, or does this "diet pill" sound more like an INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH LAXATIVE??!
Co-Worker: "Say Dyckerson, what's with the 17 pairs of brown Dockers hanging on your chair?"
Me: "Oh, those? Macy's was having a buy 16, get one free sale so I decided to stock up."
And my favorite part of all: You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take Alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens. Really??! Because when I get gassy, I usually head immediately for the MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY. Thanks for straightening me out.
So let me make sure I have everything. Here's my grocery list:
- 30-Day Supply of Alli
- Biohazard Suit
- 200 Cases of Toilet Paper
- 35 Tubes of Preparation H
- 50 Cans of Febreeze
- 2 Dozen Pairs of Levi's Pre-Stained Jeans
- 800 Packs of Depends Undergarments
- 40 Bottles of Liquid Plumber
- 1 Domino's Shit Lovers' Pizza
Total investment: $3,850.00
Being held hostage by your own asshole for a month: Priceless