A couple of weeks ago, I received an unsolicited email from some guy I never heard of. At first, I thought he was trying to sell me V!@GRA to make me P3NI$ get big, but to my disappointment, it turns out he just wanted to interview me for his web site. Normally I don't do interviews unless I'm plugging a movie, but in this case, I made an excretion. I think you're supposed to read the interview and rate the blog, but I'm not sure. I honestly don't give a rat's ass. I'm too pissed off about the RFS Awards.
The RFS (or Really Fucking Stupid) Awards were supposed to be my opportunity to shine. Categories ranged from "Most Likely to Live in a Trailer Park" to "Male Blogger Who Would Look Best in a Speedo." Why I wasn't nominated for the latter category is beyond me. But I did pick up a nomination for "Most Likely to be Arrested." Ladies and germs, I don't think I have to tell you this is the Award I was born to win.
There were a whopping SEVEN NOMINEES in this category (excluding myself). Six of them were complete nobodies and posed no real threat to yours truly. The 7th contender was the jackass known as Mr. Fabulous. I refuse to provide a link to his blog, because he clearly does not need the publicity. He gets a ridiculous amount of traffic considering how fucking ordinary his blog is. I swear to you, this idiot could post a low-resolution photo of his BELLY BUTTON LINT and he'd have 50 comments within two minutes. I don't know where he finds these people, but apparently they have all been BRAINWASHED into thinking he is entertaining. The only award Mr. Fabulous should win is "Most Likely to Cause a Reader to Take His Own Life with a Dull Hacksaw."
Nevertheless, we were both up for the "Most Likely to be Arrested" award...and wouldn't you know it, we TIED. What a SLAP in the FUCKING FACE. Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson doesn't share an award with ANYONE. So Christie, if you're reading this, you better go back and look for hanging chads, because I WILL NOT REST until VICTORY IS MINE and MINE ALONE.
Last but not least, it's time to do some downsizing. There are several Mighty Blog affiliates who haven't been pulling their weight around here, so I'm taking out the garbage:
First up is Motor City Monk. This asshole updates his blog regularly, but never seems to have the time to comment on mine. I guess he thinks he's too good for The Mighty Blog now. Monk, I hope you get AIDS and die.
Next is Photogguy. I couldn't even tell you how often he updates his blog, because NONE OF HIS POSTS ARE DATED. What the fuck is THAT??! All I know is, he never shows up around here. Photogguy, pack up your lens extender and GET THE HELL OUT.
It's no secret that Randomness and I had a torrid love affair last spring...that is, until she up and DISAPPEARED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. Funny, his seems to happen to a lot of the women I seduce. I don't understand it, especially since I wrote her this lovely poem.
Last on the hatchet block is Luck O' The Irish. Much like Randomness, she and I were getting along swimmingly until she decided to go AWOL. What is it with these stupid broads? Don't they know a good thing when it's squirting them in the face??!
Anyway, fuck them all. And let that be a warning to the rest of you. Being a Mighty Blog affiliate isn't a right, it's a PRIVILEGE. And with that privilege comes an OBLIGATION to write QUALITY POSTS in a TIMELY MANNER, and also to LEAVE COMMENTS on the blogs of your FELLOW AFFILIATES. Otherwise, I'll yank your ass outta here faster than Ms. Babble can conceive a child. YOU GOT THAT??!