Giving Back

It's no secret that Mighty Dyckerson is a lover of all children. My numerous appearances on Dateline NBC should be proof enough of that. But seriously, I think it's time I gave something back to the community that has given me so much. That's why next weekend, I am hosting the First Annual MIGHTY DYCKERSON BACK-TO-SCHOOL SHOPPING SPREE! Yep, I'm going to rent a U-Haul truck, drive it into a shitty neighborhood, fill it up with poor kids, and take them shopping for FREE SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Yes, I know...I'm a terrific guy. But hey, it's the least I can do. Especially since it's not going to cost me a dime. Allow me to explain.

Our first stop will be my company's office. I'll just slip the kids in through the back door and let them steal all the office supplies they can carry. Legal pads, pens, Post-It notes, mouse pads, computers, desks, fax machines - you name it, they got it! And the kids will be learning valuable pilfering skills that they can take back with them to the hood!!!

Once the kids have all the standard school supplies, we'll be able to concentrate on the other essentials. For example, in order to stay focused in the classroom, children need to be relaxed and alert. That's why I'll be taking all of them to meet SNAKE, my DRUG DEALER! Snake will hook each one of them up with a free sample "grab bag" filled with MARIJUANA, COCAINE, LSD, CRYSTAL METH, and FLINSTONES VITAMINS. Hey, it can't be any worse than the shit schools sell in the cafeteria vending machines!!!

Obviously, it's just as important to look good as it is to feel good...so next I'll be taking the kiddies on a field trip to MIGHTY DYCKERSON'S OLDE SWEAT SHOPPE! Think of it...They'll be able to MAKE THEIR OWN CLOTHING while learning all about the exciting world of business and indstry! Their precious little hands will come within inches of GIANT CUTTING BLADES, FAST-MOVING CONVEYOR BELTS, and SCALDING HOT IRONS! Just like Disneyland, only without the long lines!!!

Next, it's important that kids know how to defend themselves in today's dangerous schools. I wirh I could buy each and every one of them a hand gun, but they'll just have to settle for an hour of target practice at the DYCKERSONVILLE FIRING RANGE! Yes, once those little hoodlums squeeze that trigger and hear the deafening sound of gunfire with their unprotected ears, I guarantee they'll be SCARED STRAIGHT! They may be too poor to buy their own guns, but goddammit, they'll sure as hell respect them!!!

A day of firing weapons and making cheap clothing can make you work up a powerful thirst...so I'll be bring all the kids back to my place at Wonderland Ranch for a free round of a concoction I like to call SATAN SODA! You make it with two parts Red Bull and three parts Vodka. Come on, you know kids are going to drink anyway. They may as well do it under the supervision of a RESPONSIBLE ADULT! And don't worry, I won't let them get behind the wheel. That's because we'll be having a SLEEPOVER! I'm sure it will be a THRILLER for all of them. I know it will be for me!!!

Of course, all that booze will set me back a few bucks. That's why I will be accepting monetary donations through my PayPal account effective immediately. So please, give til it hurts. Then give a some more. We all need to do our part to help those poor little bastards!