Saturday, August 4, 2007

Troubled Bridge Over Water

So we had the big Minneapolis Bridge clusterfuck this week. Never a dull moment in the good ol' U S of A, am I right folks?? But seriously, my deepest condolences to the victims and their families. That has to suck major donkey balls. I mean, how unlucky do you have to be to have a bridge collapse from under you while you're driving across it??! You have better odds of winning the state lottery, getting struck by lightning, and winning a different state lottery...ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!

Having said all that, don't you think we're overreacting just a little bit? The bridge collapse was a horrible tragedy. But I think this falls under the category of SHIT HAPPENS. The world is a dangerous place, and we can only do so much to make it safer. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't investigate the accident and print up a nice report and put it in a fancy little three-ring binder and pass it around to the media so they can take pictures of the binder and then get 10-second soundbites from a dipshit P.R. goon and put it on the six o'clock news. But I don't think it's necessary to shut down and reinspect EVERY FUCKING BRIDGE IN THE COUNTRY just because one of them happened to be "structurally deficient." Hell, most of my readers are MENTALLY deficient, but you don't see me killing them off, do you? We're talking about BRIDGES, not cans of tainted pet food. Besides, I'm betting the investigators will probably trace the cause to a pea-sized hole in a hunk of metal that came that way from the factory. That's always the way these things turn out.

Then we have the morons on the news screaming "OUR INFRASTRUCTURE IS CRUMBLING!" Is it me, or does this sound eerily similar to "THE SKY IS FALLING"??? Reporters love to say "infrastructure" because it sounds like they know what they're talking about . Politicians are taking advantage of the incident to press for funding for roads and highways. Then they'll hire private contractors to do the work, who will in turn give the politicians big fat kickbacks. You can't win.

So what's the magic solution? There is no magic solution. Life is short. Don't waste it sitting in gridlock while construction crevs spend the next 50 years trying to rebuild our interstate system because we have a few potholes. Instead, TAKE A FUCKING CHANCE every once in a while, you damn pansies. We're all gonna die sometime. Except me. I'm having my scrotum cryogenically frozen.

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