Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Make a Run for the Border

The next person who utilizes the phrase "That's how I roll" in my presence will have their tongue ripped out by yours truly. Following the tonguectomy, I will then remove that person's eyeballs with a melonballer and play marbles with them on the floor of a filthy Exxon men's room. I will then disembowel that person and shove his or her entrails inside a meat grinder, which I will then feed to a snake. Once the person has been completely disemboweled, I shall remove the bones and dissolve them in acid. I will then pour the acid/bone mixture into a toilet, consume three (3) Taco Bell beef & bean burritos, and defecate into said toilet until my rectum is sufficiently emptied. The remaining skin, hair, nails, and muscle tissue will be sealed in a crate, shipped to the Middle East, and blown up via car bomb by Iraqi terrorists.

Furthermore, the next person who utilizes the phrase "At the end of the day" in my vicinity will have the pleasure of being decapitated with a plastic butter knife. I will then take the severed head, bore three holes in the skullcap, and use it to bowl three games at my local AMF Bowling Center. Once I am finished bowling with the severed head, I will deposit it in a trash receptacle along with five empty beer bottles and a half-eaten plate of bowling alley nachos. I shall then return to the site of the corpse, carefully remove the limbs with a circular saw, and drive them to a coal mine in Utah. I shall then place the limbs deep inside the mine, exit the mine, and set off a series of explosive devices to trigger a cave-in. After the limbs are trapped and buried, I will rent an asphalt mixer, toss the remaining torso inside, and pave my driveway with it.

Lastly, the next person who utilizes the phrase "You don't want to go there" in my general area will be blown to smithereens by a series of fully functioning Civil War cannons. I shall then collect the pieces, reassemble them with J. B. Weld, and set them ablaze in my back yard. Meanwhile, I will record the inferno on my video camera, remove the cassette, and toss it on the fire as well. Once the ashes have cooled, I will vacuum them up with my Hoover Deluxe, pour them into a large pitcher of stale urine, and place it on a shelf in my freezer. Once the urine and ashes have frozen, I will put the pitcher on my kitchen counter and smash it repeatedly with a ball peen hammer. I will then place the ball peen hammer into his or her grandmother's vagina and rape her with it. If his or her grandmother happens to be deceased, I will hire two Mexicans to dig up her corpse, remove the maggots, and rape her with a leaf blower.

I think I've made my point.

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