Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Head in the Class

I have just found my new career!

I was watching the evening news the other night, and they had this story about a shortage of male teachers in public schools. According to the report, only about 10% of elementary school teachers are men. Do you know what that means? That means 90% are WOMEN! In other words, there's NINE CHICKS for every ONE DUDE in our nation's classrooms! I LIKE THOSE NUMBERS!! Gentlemen, say adios to the smoky, crowded singles bars and expensive online dating sites like All the REAL POON is hiding behind the podiums in school! I'm signing up TODAY!!!

Now don't get me wrong. Getting laid isn't my only motivation for being a teacher. How about those CUSHY HOURS?? I've never met a female teacher that didn't GRIPE AND WHINE about having to grade papers at night and tutor kids in the afternoon. Well BOO FUCKING HOO. Those bitches HAVE IT MADE! Teachers get off every major holiday, every bullshit holiday, and a whopping THREE MONTHS in the summer! Obviously they've never worked in the REAL WORLD - otherwise they wouldn't be pissing and moaning so much.

And even when they ARE working, they're not REALLY working. In a typical day, how much time do you think the average teacher actually spends teaching? Let's see, there's homeroom - nothing to do there but call roll. Then there's study hall - again, more babysitting. Then a planning period or two. Then they pass out some busy work or maybe show a filmstrip (remember those??). Then it's time for lunch, followed by another planning period in the afternoon, and you're done!!

Oh, and if you happen to get tired of all the teacher poon, just take a look at some of these girls today! Holy shit, some of them little teeny boppers could EASILY pass for 18! I can't wait to start an after-school "tutoring" program in my boudoir! Although this quote from the article has me a little troubled: "Grown men who express physical affection for small children can be accused of being pedophiles." Are you kidding me??! Is pedophilia really frowned upon in classrooms? Because if it is, somebody needs to have a talk with my 6th grade P.E. teacher.

Yeah, I know there's that whole issue with pay. Supposedly teachers don't make a lot of coin, and that does concern me. I'd have to trade my five-figure salary for.....another five-figure salary where the first figure is smaller. But think about it. First of all, you got JOB SECURITY. You can go anywhere in the country and find a teaching gig. Get caught fucking a student in the girls' locker room? No problem! Just resign and move to another district!! Then you got your GOVERNMENT PERKS. Teachers work a paltry 35 weeks a year...and on top of that, they get pensions, paid tuitions, 401Ks, and all kinds of freebies and discounts. And let's not forget about the FRINGE BENEFITS! We're talking a veritable smorgasbord of FIRST-CLASS POON! You can't put a price tag on that!!!

Seriously though, I'll have to overcome a couple of obstacles before I can gain access to all that poon. For example, teachers are required to be licensed in most states. What a load of CRAP. I educate and enlighten tens of people on The Mighty Blog every fucking day. Do you think I have a LICENSE??! Then there's the issue of pre-employment background checks. Look, I may have had a few misunderstandings with law enforcement in the past, but why should the schools care?? My personal life is NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm off to Staples to buy some chalk sticks and self-adhesive gold stars!

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