Monday, October 8, 2007

I'm All Shook Up

The other night I was in desperate need of a ballcock, so I decided to pay a visit to the local Lowe's Home Improvement Whorehouse to check out their fall line of plumbing fixtures. As I browsed amongst the faucets, nozzles, and assorted other paraphernalia, I came across something so REVOLUTIONARY...that it will forever change the way you look at toilets! A picture is worth a thousand turds, and lucky for you, I had my trusty camera phone with me. Ladies and germs, I am proud to present to you.....the PRESLEY!!!

Yes, it's really called the Presley - a throne truly fit for a "King"...or a really fat bastard who sings horrible music. Check out those sleek lines and those sexy, glistening curves. See that curvy protrusion behind the bowl and under the tank?? THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT GOES!!! Too bad it's not made of glass so you can watch it go down when you flush. I haven't drooled this much since I first unwrapped my Onkyo TX-SR505S! Too bad the Presley doesn't come in silver so they'd match. As I stood there among the many onlookers basking at its porcelain splendor, I was overcome by the urge to eat a PB & banana sandwich and gyrate my hips. I thought to myself, Dyckerson, you were meant to die upon this toilet. But with a price of $179 plus installation, this crapper was too rich for my blood.

Still, you're probably wondering if I took it for a test drive. What kind of a sick, deranged nut job do you think I am??! Of COURSE I did!! It was easy too, thanks to that Burrito Supreme I had for lunch that day. Even without a water supply, the Presley didn't disappoint. The mere sensation of my ass cheeks pressed up against the contours of that chilly seat was enough to send me to the brink of orgasm. There wasn't a square of bathroom tissue to be found, but fortunately a Lowe's associate from the lumber section let me borrow a 2x4.

That reminds me, I need to send that good samaritan a thank you note.

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