A Day in the Life

03:13am - Have a horrible dream in which I couldn't breathe.

03:20am - Turns out I really can't breathe. Wake up GASPING FOR BREATH because my fucking nose (which hasn't worked right since that jackass surgeon botched my rhinoplasty following the Great Car Crash of '94) is stopped up (AGAIN).

04:30am - Somehow manage to fall asleep (or did I just pass out from a lack of oxygen?).

06:22am - Wake up - again, startled and gasping for breath. Realize I will likely DIE IN MY SLEEP from asphyxiation. It's also fucking FREEZING because the temperature plummeted 90 degrees and I left the damn window open.

07:15am - Get out of bed, pour myself some OJ, and take a massive - I mean MASSIVE - dump. I try to wipe myself, but I didn't know I still had a dingleberry hanging on back there, so I end up smearing shit all over my ass crack. Conclusion: THIS IS GOING TO BE A BANNER DAY.

07:52am - Somehow manage to leave for work a few minutes early. For a moment, I actually feel good about myself...that is, until I encounter gridlock on I-64. The cause? A stalled vehicle...way off to the SHOULDER...on the OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY. NICE GOING, ASSHOLES.

08:40am - Arrive at my shitty job ten minutes late, despite leaving ten minutes early. Throw my lunch in the freezer, pour myself some lukewarm water from the tap, and attempt to dispense some ice from the ice machine...only the ice machine is fucking EMPTY because moments ago some SELF-CENTERED JACKASS SALES WEASEL decided to steal it all for some DUMBASS CONFERENCE down the hall.

08:46am - Return to my desk in open my email. Email #1 is a message from my boss informing me that I'm supposed to be filling in for the FTP guy the next two days while he hangs out at a racetrack with a bunch of redneck dipshits. Fantastic. I am already SWAMPED with work which will not get done on time anyway...and now this. I spend the next TWO HOURS transferring data and answering questions from retards who don't know how to extract a zip file.

11:01am - On the verge of dehydration, I go to the break room to check on the ice machine. Still empty. Decide to purchase a beverage from the vending machine. Turn around only to see said vending machine being rolled out the door on a dolly. I consider throwing myself in front of it.

11:07am - Receive email from the lactating bitch in Reporting who gets to leave every day at 3:00 because she's a new mother and should therefore get special treatment. Bitch is all hot and bothered because 5,000 records in the database did not have customer ID's. That's 5,000 records...out of TWENTY MILLION. Waste the next several hours trying to sort out this mess in order to appease the bitch and her worn-out uterus.

12:00pm - Back to the break room to retrieve my lunch from the frig, only to find out I stuck it in the FREEZER by mistake. I steal somebody's pot pie and nuke it.

12:54pm - I go in the "Mother's Room" and jack off in a plastic cup. Pray to God that the bitch finds it the next time she goes in there to pump her tits.

02:23pm - Get invited to Salsa Boy's LAMEASS HALLOWEEN PARTY. I hate this guy when I'm at work, why the hell would I want to go to his house on my own time??!

03:17pm - Another email from my boss: "Why did you let so-and-so take over your project without consulting me first?" Gee, I don't know. Maybe because it's HIS FUCKING CLIENT anyway??! If you've got a problem with that, why don't you just mosey your ass over to my desk (a whopping FIFTEEN FEET AWAY) and talk to me FACE-TO-FACE??!

03:48pm - Yet another email from my boss: "You're late getting this other project done. What's the deal?" The deal is, you stuck me with the GODDAMN FTP JOB without telling me in advance, you SNIVELING LITTLE PRICK. And if you'd quit interrupting me EVERY FIVE MINUTES, maybe I could actually GET SOMETHING DONE. Or better yet, stop playing manager and DO IT YOURSELF. Or better yet, take your piece-o'-shit BMW for a drive and WRAP IT AROUND A TREE, you ASSHOLE.

04:55pm - I pass the bitch in the hall on the way to the can. She appears to be disturbed about something. Conclusion: SHE FOUND THE JIZZ CUP! There is a God!!!

05:30pm - Spend another 45 minutes in gridlock on I-64. The stalled car from this morning has been replaced by a jack knifed tractor trailer with three children pinned underneath it. At least that's something worth seeing.

06:45pm - Pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru, order three items from the dollar menu, and wait 15 minutes for the soccer mom in the minivan in front of me to dispute her order with the cashier. Apparently she wanted her cheeseburger medium well. It's fucking WENDY'S, you CUNT RAG. Consider yourself lucky the meat actually landed on the bun and GET OUT OF MY WAY!

07:02pm - Receive a strange package in the mail from RevRee. It's a DVD of Dave Letterman on Oprah from about seven years ago. Oh, and she included a note inside: "I'm pregnant and you're the father."

07:15pm - Open my rear patio door for a little fresh air, only to have my nostrils assaulted by a HORRID STENCH. Apparently something had DIED in my back yard.

07:17pm - I inspect the yard, and sure enough, there's a dead bird under a bush. I puke up my chicken nuggets, grab a shovel from the shed, and fling that fucker over the fence and into the asshole neighbor's yard. WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BASTARDS!!

08:00pm - Turn on the TV hoping for some high quality prime-time network programming. Instead, I get "Singing with D-List Celebrities" on ABC. I toss an ax through the screen.

09:12pm - Dial up the internets and check my eHarmony account. Great news: I have been matched with Helga, a 53 year old mother of three who's into NASCAR, Harleys, and long walks on the beach.

10:45pm - Time for a snack: A glass of milk and four Ding Dongs.

11:30pm - Suffer a mild heart attack and go to bed.