Tag THIS, Morons!

Listen up, kids. I've been blogging for over 35 years now, and during that time I have been memed, maimed, mocked, tagged, tugged, and yanked to death. So please do not send me invitations to answer a bunch of dumbass questions about my personal life. Trust me, the less you people know about my personal life, the better.

I have absolutely no interest in compiling a list of thirteen D-list celebrities I'd like to have urinate on my head. Nor will I rearrange the letters in my name to come up with adjectives that describe the interior of my large intestine. Finally, under no circumstances will I share my innermost secrets, highest hopes, or deepest fears with you crack smoking ass goblins. I would rather dip my nuts in honey and cover them with an army of hungry fire ants.

Furthermore, I refuse to perpetuate these 21st-century chain letters by passing them on to other bloggers. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And if your life is so fucking empty that you have to rely on memes to fill your blog, for God's sake find another source of online entertainment like Spider Solitaire or Texas Hang 'Em or child pornography. Or better yet, master the art of identity theft and steal the name of someone with an actual personality.

Oh, and one more thing. I know you jackasses are dying to leave me retarded comments like "You've been tagged, ha ha!" Please spare me. If I want to read something funny, I'll look at your SAT scores. Now get the fuck out of here before I "tag" you upside the head with one of Jenny's steel dildos.