Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Interpretive Poetry

Tonight's selection is entitled "Simple Simon." Please follow along with me.

Simple Simon met a pieman

Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Let me taste your ware."

- A pieman is a man who sells pie. However, when I read this, I interpret "pie" as poon. Thus, the pieman is actually a pimp...and Simon is a john looking for oral sex.

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Show me first your penny."
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Indeed I have not any."

- The pimp wants cash up front, but Simon is flat-ass broke.

He went to catch a dickey bird,
And thought he could not fail,
Because he'd got a little salt,
To put upon his tail.

- Simon changed his mind. Now he wants to have anal sex with a transgender prostitute ("dickey bird").

He went to take a bird's nest,
Was built upon a bough;
The branch gave way and Simon fell
Into a dirty slough.

- In this passage, the "branch" is the transgender prostitute's penis, the "bird's nest" is his pubic hair, and the "bough" is his crotch. "The branch gave way" means the she-male couldn't get it up.

He went to shoot a wild duck,
But wild duck flew away;
Say Simon, I can't hit him,
Because he will not stay."

- Simon tried to steal a rubber dildo from a sex toy shop, but he was caught on tape by security cameras.

Simple Simon went a-fishing,
For to catch a whale;
All the water he had got
Was in his mother's pail.

- Simon committed incest with his overweight mother.

Simple Simon went a-hunting,
For to catch a hare;
He rode an ass about the streets,
But couldn't find one there.

- This part is self-explanatory.

He went for to eat honey,
Out of the mustard pot;
He bit his tongue until he cried,
That was all the good he got.

- Unsatisfied with the butt sex, Simon decided to acquire some poon. The expression "bit his tongue" is a euphemism for premature ejaculation.

He went to ride a spotted cow
That had a little calf;
She threw him down upon the ground,
Which made the people laugh.

- Simon had rough sex with a bovine in front of a bunch of Mexican farm hands.

Once Simon made a great snowball,
And brought it in to roast;
He laid it down before the fire,
And soon the ball was lost.

- Simon was castrated.

He went to slide upon the ice
Before the ice would bear;
Then he plunged in above his knees,
Which made poor Simon stare.

- Simon tried to make it with a frigid bitch, but she wouldn't put out.

He washed himself with blacking ball,
Because he had no soap;
Then said unto his mother,
"I'm a beauty now, I hope."

- Simon got a facial from a black dude and came out of the closet.

Simple Simon went to look
If plums grew on a thistle;
He pricked his fingers very much,
Which made poor Simon whistle.

- Simon pleasured himself while laying under a plum tree.

He went for water in a sieve,
But soon it all ran through.
And now poor Simple Simon
Bids you all adieu.

- Simon broke his last condom, so he went to rob a 7-Eleven. Peace out, homeys.

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