Saturday, September 1, 2007

An Inconvenient Poop (Part 1)

Exercise is a very important part of my regimen. At least once a year, I like to get outside and take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. It boosts my energy and gets the old blood flowing. Well last Saturday, something else was flowing.

I had just consumed a luncheon consisting of Chef-Boyardee beef ravioli and three chocolate flavored SlimFast shakes. That's some good eatin' right there, but my tummy was not happy. Nevertheless, I felt the need to walk off my afternoon repast. So I changed into my jogging outfit, grabbed my DyckPod, and hit the trail.

The warning signs were all there. I should have turned around after the first stomach cramp. But no, I bravely trudged on, thinking I'd be safe and sound in my domicile well before the shit hit the fan. Indeed, the cramp subsided, and I continued my stroll with confidence.

Part of my route takes me right past a certain high school which shall remain nameless. Note this is a heavily populated suburban area with lots of houses and busy streets. This is also the halfway point of my journey - the point at which I am the farthest from home base. As I neared the school, the cramps returned and increased in intensity. Pressure began to build. Soon it became quite clear that I was not going to make it home. I needed to dump some fuel...and FAST. But where??

My first option was a thin patch of trees that served as a natural buffer between the school parking lot and the adjoining neighborhood. But with people's back yards in plain view, this area did not provide the privacy I would require. Then I eyed the empty school bus parked in the lot. Perhaps I could leave my deposit in the aisle and let the bus driver deal with it. A hell of a way to start the school year, but that would be their problem. Alas, the door was locked. Desperation was setting in.

I hobbled my way behind the school and looked for anything I could use for a makeshift bathroom. There was a trailer classroom - locked. There was a dumpster - no privacy. At last, I found my oasis. It was a generously sized equipment room attached to the back of the school - gated, but UNLOCKED!

I entered the area and inspected the situation. In one corner stood a dusty propane barbecue. In another corner, a well-worn snow shovel waited for Old Man Winter to make his return. And in the center, a giant funnel-shaped contraption with a trash can positioned under the business end. The can was filled with something that resembled sawdust. What the fuck was that thing??! Beats the hell out of me...besides, I had other fish to fry.

As you can see from the photos, this area was not entirely enclosed. I knew I had to work fast...and judging from the Vesuvius-like pressure building inside my colon, that would not be a problem. I found an empty corner, wedged myself against the two adjoining walls, and dropped my shorts...along with everything else. Within mere seconds, an enormous mud pie jettisoned itself out of my ass and hit the concrete slab with a loud SPLAT that reverberated off the brick walls and shook the barbecue.

As I squatted there and relieved myself, I began to think of the myriad of laws of was breaking: Trespassing, indecent exposure, littering, brandishing a deadly weapon, you name it. Soon, I realized I had another hurdle to overcome. And I'll tell you what that PART DEUCE of An Inconvenient Poop! Stay tuned!!!!!

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