Sunday, September 2, 2007

An Inconvenient Poop (Part 2)

In case you're tuning in late and missed the first installment of An Inconvenient Poop, I'll give you the Dyck's Notes version. Last Saturday after eating a nutritious lunch, I went for a walk and got a case of the shits. I searched for a suitable shitter substitute and ended up squatting in a storage room behind the neighborhood high school. In doing so, I released a steaming pile of crap and sullied my buttocks. And now, the exciting conclusion of.....An Inconvenient Poop!!!

The following post contains actual photos of Mighty Dyckerson's feces.
Parental discretion is advised.

As I squatted in the corner hovering above my fresh turd tart, my thoughts turned to my personal hygiene. I was nearly a mile from my house. How the hell was I going to wipe myself? I searched the area frantically for something that I could use as toilet paper. A lump of coal from the barbecue? (Nah, too awkward.) A handful of sawdust? (Nah, too messy.) The little pieces of black foam that fit over my DyckPod earbuds? (Nah, too expensive to replace.)

In the comments to part one, Danielle the Hor asked if I was going to sacrifice a sock. This was not an option, as the lining to my Nikes was already shot to hell, and my feet were sore and blistered from the walk. I needed my socks. So reluctantly, I pulled up my shorts, leaving them low enough so as to prevent any direct contact with my crack. Basically the way the kids wear their pants nowadays. I then wobbled my way outside and continued my search for a suitable asswipe.

Finally, there it was. Laying on the ground outside the door to the boys' locker room, a damp towel. It was like a miracle from Heaven. With great euphoria, I grabbed the towel and quickly returned to the scene of the grime. Two or three passes through my great divide and I was good to go. It was at this point that I got to see my handiwork for the first time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give feces:

I apologize for the lack of detail, but my camera phone isn't the greatest. This picture was actually taken several hours after the incident, by which time the poo had darkened considerably and lost much of its moisture.

I stood there for several minutes and marveled at the shape and contours of my scatalogical sculpture. Satisfied that my bowels were sufficiently emptied, I tossed the newly monogrammed towel on top of the barbecue and continued on my journey.

But the story doesn't end there. I was several hundred feet from the school on my way home when the unthinkable happened. The cramps returned, and they were just as bad as last time. That's right, it was time for round two, where the points are doubled and anything can happen. I immediately made a U-turn and headed right back to school to "drop off the kids" as it were.

To my surprise, I returned to find the storage room was now a swarm of flies buzzing around my pie. "Fuck," I thought to myself. "Those little bastards didn't waste any time! I'm going to have to start a new pile." So I walked over to the opposite corner, wedged myself against the two adjoining walls, and left an another apple for the teacher. This one hit the floor with such force, I think it actually cracked the concrete. See for yourself:

The lighting was better in this photo, so you can see a little more of the texture and detail. Bon appetit, you nasty old flies! This time cleanup was a breeze since I already had my trusty towel standing by. I just found an unused section of terrycloth, ran it through customs, and draped it neatly across the barbecue to dry out in the sun.

At this point I was reluctant to leave. I had already downloaded two enormous piles...but could there be a third??? I decided I would take a precautionary lap around the building to make sure the urge to purge did not return. Thankfully it did not, for my ass was raw and my towel was out of clean spots. So I made the long walk home and did some final touch-up work in the bathroom.

What have we learned from all of this?

1. Never ignore those painful stomach cramps. They never just "go away" on their own.
2. If you're going to be outside for any length of time, carry a wad of toilet paper with you.
3. Camera phones take lousy pictures.
4. Flies take to shit like a duck to water.


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