Tuesday, April 29, 2008

It's a Twister!

This is Mighty Dyckerson coming to you LIVE from tornado-ravaged Dyckersonville...just one of the many towns that was DEVASTATED yesterday when MOTHER NATURE'S FURY unleashed a barrage of ANGRY TWISTERS which SLAMMED INTO THE REGION, leaving a path of DISASTER AND DESTRUCTION in its wake and making NATIONAL HEADLINES as residents attempt to PICK UP THE PIECES and SALVAGE WHAT IS LEFT OF THEIR PATHETIC, MEANINGLESS LIVES.

Ha! Had you dipshits going for a minute there, didn't I?? But you gotta admit, it sounded pretty good. Actually, my home state of Vaginia did sustain quite a bit of damage thanks to a few well placed vortices. The party started late yesterday afternoon when the local news nitwits interrupted my favorite game show, Name That Poon, to tell us that a funnel cloud had been spotted over the nearby town of Colonial Heights.

Said funnel cloud injured several people, destroyed a few homes and tore a bigass hole in the roof of a Target and a Shoe Carnival. Naturally, I immediately erupted into a roar of laughter. Not because the misfortune of others makes me happy, which it does by the way. No, the humor stems from the fact that the exact same spot got hit by a twister 15 years ago. We rarely get twisters around these parts, and Colonial Heights - shit hole town that it is - got hit not once, but TWICE!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA *Cough* Ahem.

What's even funnier is that the storm would hit a Target store - a building with a gigantic bulls-eye painted on it. Mother Nature sure has a sense of humor, don't she??! I want to party with that beeyatch!!!

About this time, the weather monkeys on the local news station went berserk, jumping all over the screen and pointing to their colorful, computer generated radar maps. The NBC affiliate had not one, not two, but THREE meteorologist dudes competing for air time. Do I really need three people to tell me it's raining?? Those nerds live for that shit, and the nastier the storm, the better. I'm betting there wasn't a single flaccid penis among the three of them. Not that I spend a lot of time thinking about their penises. Then the news reporters showed up on the scene and started hunting for witnesses to interview. For over ten minutes, my ears were assaulted by countless tired references to freight trains and match sticks.

Then the governor grabbed a podium and a microphone and started auditioning for President. First he declared a state of emergency. (Gee, thanks. Does this mean we're allowed to panic now?) Then he declared the town of Suffolk a disaster area. (No shit, professor. That town has been a disaster area for 20 years.) Then he hugged some victims. (I suspect they were paid actors.) Then he climbed on board a helicopter so he can survey the damage. (He's a former attorney. What the fuck does he know about surveying damage??)

Anyway, you all will be relieved to know that Dyckerson Headquarters escaped harm. All my file cabinets filled with top-notch poon jokes are safe and secure for yet another day. And for that, we give thanks.

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