So one thing I did in my absence was quit my job. Yep, that's right. I traded my crappy, boring I.T. job where I moved data around all day.....for a crappy, boring I.T. job where I write reports all day. Trust me, it's just as unexciting as it seems, if not more so. The salary is more or less the same, and I have the same view of three padded cubicle walls filled with asbestos.
Then why did I trade one crappy, boring I.T. job for another, you ask?? Well for one thing, the new job doesn't have an arrogant prick who polishes his BMW every day in the parking lot with the carcass of a baby lamb. And the new job doesn't have a loud mouthed one-upper who takes great delight in pelting his co-workers with rubber Nerf darts any chance he gets. And the new job doesn't have a lesbian ex-Marine project manager who constantly yammers on the phone in corporate babble, referring to humans as "resources" and their work as "deliverables." And the new job doesn't have a psycho secretary who threatens to go postal if you don't properly label your refrigerated items.
So what DOES my new job have?? I'm glad you asked. My new job has a lymie who wears the exact same clothes every day: blue jeans and a black sweater with some sort of British emblem thing on one sleeve. My new job has a metrosexual with a hilarious last name (which I will not divulge at this time) who gossips about his co-workers like a housewife gossips about the neighbors. My new job has an overweight boss/owner who looks like Santa and is about to die at any moment - every day he comes in bright at early at NOON, huffing and puffing with exhaustion from his 50 foot walk from his car. But more important than any of that, my new job has one of THESE:
That's right, baby! I've got free membership to COSTCO, the nation's number 3 wholesaler of bulk merchandise! Coming from a guy who buys his mayo by the gallon, this is a true godsend!! You just can't put a price tag on perks like that!! Actually, I guess you can. But it's the thought that counts, right?
Oh yes, and this job comes with another intangible benefit: FLEX TIME! Now if you're not familiar with this radical new concept, it's quite simple. Flex time gives employees the ability to set their own working hours. For example, at my company I have the option of coming in at 8:00am and working until 5:00pm...or, if I prefer, I can come in at 7:45am and work until 4:45pm!! Or let's say I'm not a morning person. No problem there! I can come in at 8:05am and work until 5:05pm!! Or let's say little Dyck Jr. has an organ recital at 5:07pm. All I have to do is come in at 7:52am, work until 4:52pm, and make the 15 minute drive to his school, where I proceed to fondle his music teacher and watch D.J. play with his organ. The point is, with flex time, my options are virtually limitless!!!*
But wait, there's more! This job gives its employees YET ANOTHER exciting perk: FREE BEVERAGES!! Yep, the coffee pot is always full of steaming hot instant decaf. Want half & half or sugar? Got it right here!! Or maybe coffee isn't your drink of choice. Well you're in luck, because this building comes fully equipped with INDOOR PLUMBING...including a WATER FOUNTAIN!!! I tell you, there's nothing like standing around the water fountain and chatting with your colleagues about last night's rerun of Match Game '78 on GSN. Man, that Charles Nelson Reilly was a hoot!
I'm sure I'll have plenty more stories to tell about my exciting new job, but suffice it to say this is a company that truly values its employees...all seven of them. Every day when I drag data-bound control boxes onto my report layout and align their positions along the grid, I feel like I am truly making a difference in the world.
Please shoot me now.
* As long as I get there close to 8am and work eight hours, plus one hour for lunch.