Sunday, March 16, 2008

Somebody Call Guinness!

This is Mighty Dyckerson coming to you LIVE from atop the toilet in my luxurious second floor lavatory. Why am I blogging from my shitter, you ask?? Well surely by now you've heard about the Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Loo. She made headlines last week when cops found her in a trailer where she had been welded to her toilet seat for two years. When I read about this, I was heartbroken. Grandpa Dyckerson had held the potty sitting record for decades...and now this bitch comes along and shatters it! So not to be outdone, I have set out to RECLAIM THE TITLE by sitting on my toilet nonstop for THREE YEARS!!! I know, it seems like an impossible task. But have no fear, for I have planned ahead.

First and foremost, I have made provisions for food and water. Actually, water is no issue - the bathroom sink is right there at arm's length. As for food, I have stocked the medicine cabinet with a wide assortment of delicious CHEF BOYARDEE CANNED PASTA MEALS. Mmm-mmm, that's good eatin'! In addition, I have my cell phone programmed with the numbers of all the pizza and chinese delivery joints within a 10-mile radius. Directions to my toilet are taped to the front door for the delivery guys. A spare house key is cleverly hidden under the door mat.

As for sleep, I should have no trouble catching 40 winks with the pillow and blanket I have in here. Hell, I even have an ottoman for propping up my feet. I'LL BE LIVING IN THE CRAP OF LUXURY!!

Now many of you are probably wondering if my ass skin will become fused to the toilet seat. Please, you're not exactly dealing with an amateur here. I have already anticipated this very possibility; therefore, I have coated my throne with a thick layer of TEFLON. Furthermore, I have sprayed my ass liberally with PAM NO-STICK COOKING SPRAY. So no way is my ass sticking to anything. Of course, I'll have my kitchen spatula standing by just in case.

But how will I stay connected to the outside world, you ask?? Well obviously I have my CRAPTOP COMPUTER with me, and this baby has a wireless card so I can steal Internets from the neighbors. I also moved my DVD PLAYER and BIG SCREEN TV to the bathtub, so I have ENDLESS HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT just inches from my face. And finally, I have instructed my postal carrier to TOSS MY SACKS OF FAN MAIL through the bathroom window. So far, he has only missed once. (Too bad about the neighbor's cat.)

There, that should just about take care of everything. I'll keep you updated on my progress as the months roll by. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my dinner...

...FUCK! I dropped my can opener into the bowl!! Any plumbers out there???

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