As most of you probably know, the one and only Pope is visiting these here United States on a whirlwind tour. What you probably didn't know was that I, Mighty Dyckerson, had the opportunity to sit down with His Papalness for an EXCLUSIVE Mighty Blog interview! The pontiff rarely talks to the American press, so this was a real treat for yours truly. So without further ado, here's the transcript from our conversation.....
Pope: And so I said to the guy, "You're not confessing! You're bragging!! HA HA HA HA HA!"
Dyck: Umm, Mr. Pope? We're recording...
Pope: Oh. Sorry.
Dyck: Welcome to the U.S.! It's an honor to have you here.
Pope: Wassup, home skillet?
Dyck: So this is your first trip to this country. What are your impressions?
Pope: Impressions?? Well, I do a pretty good impression of Ed Sullivan. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a really big shewwww!!" HA HA HA!
Dyck: I had no idea you were a fan of American television.
Pope: Oh, hells yeah! I just installed a satellite dish on top of the Vatican so I can get HBO. My favorite show is "The Sopranos."
Dyck: Wow, I never would have guessed. So did you meet President Bush?
Pope: That's affirmative. Geez, what a fucktard. And people wonder how I got THIS job!!
Dyck: Tell me about it.
Pope: And what's the deal with these fucking gas prices?? It cost me 50 bucks to fill up the Popemobile this afternoon. And the stupid cashier wouldn't even take my Diners' Club card!
Dyck: I'm sorry to hear that. So what brings you to the States? Do you have a message of peace and hope to share with us?
Pope: Nah, I leave that shit to the greeting card companies. I'm here to plug my new cookbook.
Dyck: You have a cookbook??! What's it called??
Pope: The Papal Gourmet.
Dyck: Catchy title.
Pope: Thanks. Make sure you "savior" money, 'cause it's on sale for only $19.95!!
Dyck: What kind of recipes are in it?
Pope: Oh, all kinds of stuff. Entrees, desserts, you name it. I make an Angel Food Cake that's to die for. And try the Eggs Benedict XVI. It's sinfully delicious!
Dyck: I'd like to shift gears and talk about a more serious subject. I'm talking of course about the Catholic sex scandal.
Pope: Whoa, hold on just a damn minute! I told your producers I would not be answering questions about that!!
Dyck: But I...
Pope: But nothing!! I said I'd talk about my cookbook, my workout video, or my body splash...but NOT about the scandal!!!
Dyck: I just thought you might want to clear the air...
Pope: Clear the air?? Did I fart here??! No, I don't think so! This is an outrage!! Pope Johnny-P never had to put up with this shit! I'm outta here!!
Well there you have it. As you can see, he's a rather testy pontiff. I'm guessing it was just the jet lag. Anyway, I was told to mention that His Holiness will be signing copies of his cookbook at Barnes & Noble this Saturday from 2 to 4. Y'all come on down, ya hear??