Thursday, December 20, 2007

H.O.A. Holes - Volume III

Christmas came a bit early in the Dyckerson household this year. Guess what I found in my stocking (a.k.a. MAILBOX) the other day. That's right, it's yet another nastygram from the Nazis who run the neighborhood Homeowners' Association. I've written about these bastards before here and here. Well just take a look at what they have for me now.....

What in bloody hell is wrong with these assholes??! Can't they let me live in peace?? Well this time Dyckie's fighting back.....

Dear Nazi Cocksuckers With Nothing Better To Do With Your Time Than To Harass Me,

Do you Nazi cocksuckers have nothing better to do with your time than to harass me??! My property was just inspected by YOUR INSPECTORS a mere THREE MONTHS AGO. Why was the rake board issue not brought up at the time? I could have gotten the SAME CARPENTER who repaired my window trim to replace the rake board ON THE SAME DAY. Now you're telling me I have to sacrifice ANOTHER DAY'S PAY so I can sit at home and babysit ANOTHER FUCKING REPAIRMAN??!

You sure seem eager for me to contact First Class Contracting of Virginia. In fact, your entire letter looks suspiciously like a COMMERCIAL for their services. You wouldn't by any chance be getting any KICKBACKS from First Class Contracting of Virginia.....or WOULD YOU??! And what's with the fucking THIRTY DAYS NOTICE during the middle of holiday season?? You got a BALLOON PAYMENT due on your YACHT??!!

And what, pray tell, is a RAKE BOARD?? Sounds fucking MADE UP to me. I know what a RAKE is...and I know what a BOARD is...and they have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. A rake is a garden implement used for gathering leaves and stabbing children in the eyes. A board is just a hunk of wood. I think you just combined TWO RANDOM WORDS in hopes of fooling people: "Hmmm...You know Gladys, I worked in construction for 25 years, and I never heard of a rake board. But it sounds real. I guess we better fix it!" Nice try, assholes...but Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson wasn't born yesterday.

So bring on your fucking JUDICIAL HEARING and your MONETARY PENALTY. I'd love to see you try and collect. My posse and I will be waiting for you with our SHOVEL BLOCKS and our SPADE PLANKS...and by God, we know how to use them! Now GO SUCK A DICK!!!

There, I think I made my point. But just in case something should happen, can I crash with one of you guys for a while???

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