Saturday, December 8, 2007

Gettin' Schooled

Let's travel down memory lane for yet another edition of
Originally posted: 12/17/06

My philosophy on life is quite simple: The learning never stops. I am always looking for new ways to expand my knowledge and keep my mind sharp. That's why I was excited to find out that the Dyckersonville public school system offers its residents adult education classes for a modest fee.

I picked up a copy of the course catalog while I was surfing for porn at the library today. Problem is, all the classes are so interesting, I'm having a hard time deciding what to take. So i thought I'd share some of the offerings with you buttfuckers and get your opinions. Keep in mind these are actual course descriptions from the catalog:

At first, this one struck my fancy. I mean, who doesn't want to know where they came from? I could be a descendant of royalty! But then I thought about it. With my luck, I'll find out I'm one of Adolph Hitler's grandsons. Or worse yet, I could be Ms. Babble's long lost cousin. Not worth the risk. Besides, any course description that contains the word "finis" is too fucking gay for my ass. Moving on.....

Here I was intrigued by the eye-catching "NEW" indicator to the right of the title. A storytelling class may be just what I need to make The Mighty Blog even mightier! But why mess with perfection? And how about this sentence: "There will be a definite goal for which results to expect from the course." Excuse me, but that makes NO FUCKING SENSE. These people think they can teach me storytelling, yet they can't even write a coherent sentence in the course description?? And what's the deal with the tape recorder and blank audiotape? Who the fuck uses cassettes in this day and age??? Dyckerson does NOT do analog. Next.....

Now we're getting somewhere! There is nothing I would love more than to festoon my flip-flops with festive fun fur. But alas, I only have one pair of flip-flops...and the description clearly states that 2 pair are required. Damn them to Hell!!!!

Oooh, an eBay class! Perhaps I can get rich by opening my own eBay store and selling my fun fur! This is the ticket for me! But wait. I call your attention to the passage which I have highlighed in yellow for your convenience: "Due to time limitations and school regulations involving the Internet, this class will not involve hands-on with a computer." So lemme get this straight. It's a class about EBAY...which is a ONLINE SHOPPING SITE...but computers will not be made available??! Will there be an instructor, or is that against regulations too??! Let's continue.....

Ladies and gentlemen, I have found my true calling!!! And to think, I've wasted all this time working in a cube farm fucking around on a computer all day, when I could have been mastering the ancient art of clowning. Sure, the class is probably full of winos and pedophiles...but I have to start somewhere! I can just see myself now on graduation night, walking down that aisle in my cap, gown, and big red shoes to accept my diploma. Mom and Dad will be so proud!! That's it, I'm signing up today!!!!

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