Monday, December 24, 2007

The Dyckerson Family Christmas Newsletter '07

Can you believe another year has come and gone??! Seems like only yesterday that we were writing our 2005 newsletter and telling you about Dyck Jr. saying his first word, "motherfucker." And it's been a whole year since our 2006 newsletter when I wrote to you about little Megan's first unplanned pregnancy. Our kids never cease to amaze us, and 2007 was no exception!

Megan has been continuing to make us proud with her singing career. Her first album, Glitter and Bubble Gum, is due out early next year. She had a little setback last spring when an unflattering video of her appeared on TMZ, but we are confident her career will rise as fast as the cock on that boy she was servicing!

Little D.J. started nursery school last fall. Unfortunately, he had a rough time adjusting to the pressure. His teacher gave him a "time out" on his first day, and he called her a fucking bitch. We had a conference with the teacher, and she suggested we put him on Ritalin. I told her my son was right, she WAS a fucking bitch. Then I smacked her upside the head. What is it with these schools today, wanting to prescribe drugs for everything??! We're thinking of home schooling him next year.

Grandpa Dyckerson got in some trouble this year for gambling on dog fights. Then he got in more trouble for betting on the outcome of his trial. Luckily, all the judges in Dyckersonville are crooked, so we were able to bribe him with some of Mrs. D's cookies. He just had to wear one of them ankle bracelets for a few months. Easiest time he ever did.

Finally, there's good ol' Mrs. D herself. After losing her job at Harry's House of Whores last year, she was down in the dumps for a while. But last March, she decided to go into business for herself and open her very own whore house!! We figure she has the knowledge and experience, so why not?? It's called Sassy Blondie's Pleasure Palace, and so far it is doing quite well. If business continues to grow, we're thinking about starting a nationwide chain!!!

Last summer we went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon. Folks, let me tell you, it was spectacular! I haven't seen a hole that big since Ms. Babble's childbirth photos. We rode mules all the way to the bottom, and then Mrs. D rode my mule behind a bunch of bushes. It was amazing how her screams of delight echoed off the canyon walls.

Also last summer, we decided to put a swimming pool in the back yard. I don't like to brag, but I'm a bit of a I decided to do the install myself. It was a little tricky at first, but I was finally able to find the plastic pools in Walmart. I had been looking in sporting goods, but they were in the toy section. Sneaky bastards!!

Shortly after installing the pool, Mrs. D came down with a bad case of West Nile virus. Apparently the standing water in the pool was attracting a lot of mosquitos. She survived, but we ended up having to drain the pool. Now we're using it as a planter in the front yard - tres, tres classy!!

Well that's about it for 2007. Here's wishing you the best for 2008! See you next year, you bastards!!

Coming Soon:

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