A Dyck In Every Pot

The time has come for me to rejuvenate my campaign for president! I know I have been absent from all the primaries and debates and what not, but there is good reason for that. You see, I've been strategically planning for the exact right moment to resurface. And now that the other candidates are dropping like flies, that moment has arrived! So dust off your "I LICK DYCK" buttons and fasten your seatbelts, 'cause it's gonna be a wild ride to the White House!!!


Now before I begin the heavy campaigning, I need to set the record straight on a few issues. First off, I have taken a lot of flack for my a recent interview with Jugs magazine in which I was quoted as saying I was in favor of ethnic cleansing. Yes, it is true. I did say that. I just don't see what the big controversy is. I don't care what country you're from or what your religious beliefs may be...TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER!!!

Then there was the whole sex scandal involving me and a certain other blogger. I wish to state categorically and undeniably, I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN, SASSY BLONDIE. Believe me, it wasn't for lack of trying. I have attempted to seduce her with romantic gifts and authentic Italian cuisine, but I never got past first base. Hell, I never even got out of the dugout. This chick is hard to please!

While we're on the subject, I want to come clean regarding my oral intercourse with homersexual blogger Cherry Ride. It only happened once, and it meant nothing to me...and more importantly, I DID NOT SWALLOW. Okay, I may have gargled for a few seconds, but that doesn't count!!!

And finally, a brief comment about the foot tapping incident in the airport men's room. I wasn't trying to solicit sex. I was only squashing a bug. I know I shouldn't have pleaded guilty to the sex charges, but I didn't want PETA on my back for being an insect killer. I JUST CAN'T WIN!!!

This just in...I have just been handed a note by my Secretary of International Affairs, Mr. Stan Bull. Looks like a Wikipedia entry about ethnic cleansing. Hmm...let's see here...wow, that sucks...geez...holy shit! Boy, I was way off base on that one! Okay, I am officially reversing my position on the ethnic cleansing. My bad!!!