Joy to the World

I fucking HATE the holidays. The endless traffic, the crowded stores, the bickering relatives, the shameless commercialism - you name it, it all SUCKS. But when a story like this comes along, it truly warms the cockles of my heart. And Lord knows my cockles could use some warming.

According to the story, some DIPSHIT REDNECK SUBURBANITE COCKSUCKER had a thousand dollars burning a hole in his pocket. He could've given it to the Christmas Motherfucker, Boys for Tits, or even the Salvation Smarmy and their BELL-RINGING ASS GOBLINS. But NOOO!!! This JACKHOLE decides to blow it all on tacky decorations for the front lawn of his shitty house. Yep, nothing says Christmas like a MATERIALISTIC ATTENTION WHORE going into debt to purchase a BREAK DANCING SANTA and a HOMERSEXUAL ELF who sings "Jingle Bells."

That's why I took great delight in reading that this douchebag's nativity obscene was vandalized not once...but TWICE!!! BWAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! YES, VAGINA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS!!!!!

Of course, everybody on the news was acting all sympathetic and shit: "Awww, poor guy! He was just trying to get into the holiday spirit!" BULLSHIT. He was really just trying to illuminate THE ENTIRE EASTERN SEABOARD with his 5,000 strands of ENERGY SUCKING INCANDESCENT LIGHT BULBS he got on sale last January at K-Mart. I bet his fugly eyesore of a house was visible from outer space. THIS IS WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE US!!!


Then there was this story about another wacko nutjob. Seems some treacherous thug trashed his tacky trinkets too...so now all his whorenaments are rigged with TRIP WIRES, MOTION SENSORS, ALARMS, and CLOSED CIRCUIT VIDEO CAMERAS. In addition, he has a wide assortment of cheerful holiday signs like "SEASONS GREETINGS" and "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" and "KEEP OUT" and "HIGH VOLTAGE" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT." Now there's a man who understands the TRUE MEANING of Christmas!!!

Included is footage of Rambo hunkered down in his holiday command center (a.k.a. TOOL SHED), surrounded by extension cords and TV monitors and armed with a HIGH CALIBER ASSAULT RIFLE. God help any unsuspecting squirrel who wanders into his yard. The plastic Rudolph is packed with enough nitroglycerine to blow that squirrel AND his nuts to kingdom come. I can almost hear G.I. Joe shouting, "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU LITTLE COMMIE BASTARD!!!"


Finally, there's my personal favorite, the LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. You don't see those much anymore. People are always amazed at how the actors can stand perfectly still in the freezing cold for so long. Well let me tell you something. When those bastards see the high beams on my four wheel drive coming at them at FULL SPEED, they get out of the way PRETTY DAMN QUICK. Last time I did it, the three wise men were trampling all over the baby Jesus to get out of the way. And the Virgin Mary?? That dame can CURSE LIKE A SAILOR!!!


Somebody pass me some figgy pudding! It's gonna be a great Christmas!!!

Deadbeat Bloggers

'Tis the season to be jolly...and to say adios to the delinquent bloggers in my sidebar. As you know, being a Mighty Blog affiliate is a privilege, not a right. And as such, I reserve the right to tell you to FUCK OFF if you refuse to regularly update your blog with high quality material such as that found here on The Mighty Blog. So without further ado, here is the latest round of fuckoffs. Did YOU make the list???


Because Scientists Really Are Funnier Than You Are - This is still an active blog, but dammit, it's too fucking hard to read. The text is too small, and it blends in to the background. Not only that, but the posts overlap into the right sidebar. Messy and not worth the effort.

Blog Portland - All you have to do is click the link to see why this blog is getting the axe. Our old friend McFatty apparently moved on without leaving a forwarding address. This is a big NO-NO per the Mighty Blog Affiliates Code:

• Section II, Paragraph 3: An affiliate blog may not cease operations without the prior written consent of Mighty Dyckerson or a designated representative of Mighty Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide.

I Must Be Slipping - Yeah, you're slipping, alright. You haven't updated your fucking blog since SEPTEMBER. Take a hike, loser.

Otaku Photog (AKA "EWink") - This guy is a news videographer. Every day he deals with fires, car wrecks, and mangled bodies. If anybody should have an ample supply of blog fodder, it's him. But does he share any of it with us?? NOOOOO!!! See you in Hell, EWink!!!

Randomness - She posts. She doesn't post. She posts. She doesn't post. I've tried coaching her. I've tried counseling her. I even paid for her boob job. Well I'm through with that bitch!*

Scary Monster - This is a perfect example of what happens when a new blogger takes to the Internets by storm, adding new blog posts several times every day. He set an impossible pace for himself, and eventually he got burned out. It's sad, really. It pains me to have to do this, but Monster, I'm FUCKING YOU OFF.

Surreptitious Psychosis - In her most recent post, Aza promises to update again soon. Well that was back in August. AUGUST, people!!! Well Aza, I'm deleting your blog SOON...and by soon, I mean NOW.

Tiny Voices in My Head - Here's a hot chick who had herself a really nice blog. Interesting content, lots of readers, everything you could ever ask for. But she had to piss it all away to start some girlie rock band and pretend to play guitar. I bet she only knows one chord. Such a shame.


Finally, there are several bloggers on the endangered species list. These blogs are hereby placed on PROBATION until they are updated by their rightful owners:

• Assclownopolis
• Mephitic Nirvana
• Schitz and Giggles
• Florid Organum Straight from the Southside

That's it, you've been warned! If you dipshits don't get your shit together fast, you're going on the chopping block during the next round of fuckoffs! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!




* Please come back, darling!

Gettin' Schooled

Let's travel down memory lane for yet another edition of
THE BEST OF DYCKERSON
Originally posted: 12/17/06

My philosophy on life is quite simple: The learning never stops. I am always looking for new ways to expand my knowledge and keep my mind sharp. That's why I was excited to find out that the Dyckersonville public school system offers its residents adult education classes for a modest fee.

I picked up a copy of the course catalog while I was surfing for porn at the library today. Problem is, all the classes are so interesting, I'm having a hard time deciding what to take. So i thought I'd share some of the offerings with you buttfuckers and get your opinions. Keep in mind these are actual course descriptions from the catalog:



At first, this one struck my fancy. I mean, who doesn't want to know where they came from? I could be a descendant of royalty! But then I thought about it. With my luck, I'll find out I'm one of Adolph Hitler's grandsons. Or worse yet, I could be Ms. Babble's long lost cousin. Not worth the risk. Besides, any course description that contains the word "finis" is too fucking gay for my ass. Moving on.....



Here I was intrigued by the eye-catching "NEW" indicator to the right of the title. A storytelling class may be just what I need to make The Mighty Blog even mightier! But why mess with perfection? And how about this sentence: "There will be a definite goal for which results to expect from the course." Excuse me, but that makes NO FUCKING SENSE. These people think they can teach me storytelling, yet they can't even write a coherent sentence in the course description?? And what's the deal with the tape recorder and blank audiotape? Who the fuck uses cassettes in this day and age??? Dyckerson does NOT do analog. Next.....



Now we're getting somewhere! There is nothing I would love more than to festoon my flip-flops with festive fun fur. But alas, I only have one pair of flip-flops...and the description clearly states that 2 pair are required. Damn them to Hell!!!!


Oooh, an eBay class! Perhaps I can get rich by opening my own eBay store and selling my fun fur! This is the ticket for me! But wait. I call your attention to the passage which I have highlighed in yellow for your convenience: "Due to time limitations and school regulations involving the Internet, this class will not involve hands-on with a computer." So lemme get this straight. It's a class about EBAY...which is a ONLINE SHOPPING SITE...but computers will not be made available??! Will there be an instructor, or is that against regulations too??! Let's continue.....


Ladies and gentlemen, I have found my true calling!!! And to think, I've wasted all this time working in a cube farm fucking around on a computer all day, when I could have been mastering the ancient art of clowning. Sure, the class is probably full of winos and pedophiles...but I have to start somewhere! I can just see myself now on graduation night, walking down that aisle in my cap, gown, and big red shoes to accept my diploma. Mom and Dad will be so proud!! That's it, I'm signing up today!!!!

Ode to Sassy Blondie

And now, without further ado, the world premiere of my latest literary masterpiece...Ode to Sassy Blondie!!!

I once met a blogger
She was blonde and quite sassy
Her boobs were real perky
And she had a nice assy

She likes to wear pants
That are made out of flannel
We make out on the Internets
While I watch the porn channel

We chit and we chat
And I try to seduce her
But my sexual advances
Only serve to amuse her

This chick whom I know
Who is blonde and quite sassy
Has a heart that's as big
As all of Tallahassee

She hangs out in bookstores
With rude, horny gays
Their groping disgusts her
But she watches anyways

She goes to wild parties
To drink and to dance
She sends out text messages
Yet her phone's in her pants

Catholic is this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She flirts with her priest
During midnight massy

The boys in her school
Graze against her heaving chest
They play with their wankers
And imagine her undressed

She was once almost killed
By a drunk in a Fury
Would've shot his dumb ass
If she hadn't been in a hurry

Did I mention that this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
Is a hell of a baker
And as sweet as molassy?

She made me a batch
Of chocolate chip cookies
I ate them all up
And I gave her some nookie

We're thinking of moving
To the city of Denver
But it's already too cold
And it's only December

Another thing about this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She was stalked by a psycho -
Charged him with sexual harassy

We'll have a quick wedding
And a long honeymoon
She'll service my wang
And I'll lick her sweet poon

We'll marry and settle
And have dozens of kids
They'll wear out her hoo-ha
And they'll all die of SIDS

I'm in love with a blogger
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She beat me at dominoes
But her act is real classy

Special Delivery

Everybody knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But nobody knows this more than my good friend Sassy Blondie. Actually, she's more than just a good friend. If I have anything to do with it, she'll be the future Mrs. Dyckerson!

Yesterday I came home to find a very special package waiting for me on my doorstep. So special, in fact, that it even outranks the ONKYO TX-SR505S I received back in September. Take a look...


With great anticipation, I carefully lifted the box, made sure it wasn't ticking, and carried it into the kitchen. After placing the package on my filthy counter, I broke open the official post office seal using the same pair of scissors I had used to trim my pubes just one night before. Upon opening the box, I was greeted by a generous supply of everybody's favorite packing material, bubble wrap...


My first instinct was to pop every single one of those bubbly little fuckers, but I had bigger fish to fry. And after frying my fish, I returned to my mystery package, yanked out the bubble wrap, and unveiled my reward...


Yes, not even high-end electronics can beat a batch of DELICIOUS HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES loving baked to perfection by a SASSY BLONDE! Am I right guys??! Not only that, but check out the wrapping...


FOUR DOZEN COOKIES...each dozen sealed in its own plastic baggy by a colorful festive ribbon!! I hope the people at Chips Ahoy are reading this, because THIS is how you make chocolate chip cookies!! Not only did Ms. Blondie bake these delectable morsels JUST FOR ME, but look at this...


This woman spent nearly TEN FUCKING DOLLARS on postage alone!! I spent less than that on my first blowjob! If that isn't love, I don't know what is. The package also contained a card, which is all good and well, but I wanted those fucking cookies!!


So moist...so chewy...so packed with sassy goodness! Each mouth watering cookie personally licked by Ms. Blondie for extra sweetness! I couldn't eat just one! In fact, I couldn't eat just one dozen! That's right, I ate ALL 48 COOKIES in one sitting and washed it down with a bottle of ice cold Corona Light! As I spent the remainder of the evening puking my guts out, I kept thinking to myself, I'm going to marry that woman.


Of course, one good turn deserves another. That's why I'm going to make my sweet Sassy Blondie a pot of Grandpa Dyckerson's famous PORK RIND STEW! No need to thank me, darling. You're worth it. And not only that, but I am currently putting the finishing touches on my latest opus - a little something I like to call Ode to Sassy Blondie. The literary community is already buzzing about this poetic masterpiece, and in a couple of days, you'll be able to read it for yourself...right here, on The Mighty Blog! Stay tuned!!!

Fuck Candlelight Vigils

I have a few things to say about this Sean Taylor business. You know, the Redskins football player who got his ass capped by a supposed "burglar." Look, I'm sorry the dude died. That's gotta be a real bummer. I'm sure his family is really choked up about it, as they should be.

OK, now that we have the politically correct shit out of the way, tell me this. Why the fuck am I supposed to give a rat's ass about some JOCK STRAP FILLER who spent his free time HANGING OUT IN GANGS?? Take a look at this picture:


This guy was no saint. Grandpa Dyckerson had a saying for folks like him: "You sleep with dogs, you're gonna get fleas!" Grandpa Dyckerson also had another saying: "Fuck you, you fucking farting robots! Suck my dead pig!" Yeah, Grandpa Dyckerson wasn't right in the head. But that's another story.

My point is, I don't understand why everybody is bawling over Sean Taylor's death like he was the Pontiff. He didn't cure cancer. He didn't discover Uranus. Hell, he didn't even invent a longer lasting light bulb. All he did was get paid a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY to run around a FUCKING FIELD chasing after an ODDLY SHAPED BALL. I get that he and his team had fans. What I DON'T get is how anybody with even ONE OUNCE OF SANITY can fill up their SUVs with gasoline at three bucks a gallon, drop another fifty on flowers and shit, and drive all the way to fucking ASHBURN to hold a fucking CANDLELIGHT VIGIL for this numbnut. Don't these idiots have anything BETTER TO DO with their time and money??!

Now before you accuse me of being an insensitive prick, keep this in mind: PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY. Good, decent, hard-working people like you and me. Well, me at least. I'm talking about DOCTORS and NURSES and TEACHERS and PORN STARS and LEGGY SUPERMODELS and POP SINGERS and MONKEY CLOWN BLOGGERS. These are people who deserve our RESPECT and ADMIRATION. You don't see anybody erecting statues for us when we croak!

So stop fawning and drooling all over these JACKASS JOCKS like they're gods and show some appreciation for our REAL HEROES...

More Shit

My dear friends, today I'd like to talk to you about Medialine. Medialine is a web site that can be found on the Internets via the World Wide Web. It's a job posting site for people who are unfortunate enough to work in the TV industry. Hopefully none of you fall into that category, but the folks at Medialine do have a new and improved message board called Open Line Forum. This was the birthplace of Mighty Dyckerson.

With over 6,000 witty and insightful posts spanning over five years, I am somewhat of an icon there. And now, YOU, my loyal Mighty Blog readers, can join the fun!! All you have to do is click this link to Open Line Forum and register today! When you do, you'll be joining an exciting online community filled with lively discussion, hilarious comedy, and much much more! Plus I'll be gaining valuable referral points I can redeem for fabulous prizes!

I know what you're thinking: "But Dyckerson, I don't work in the media!" Well no problemo, senor! Medialine's Open Line Forum has a general discussion board designed especially for you! You can talk about anything from politics and current events to flatulence and body odor! And that's just ONE THREAD! So what are you waiting for?? Sign up today!!!!!

********************

While we're on the subject of the media, I thought I'd share with you a story from my days working behind the scenes in local TV. One of my earlier jobs was working in master control at a small independent station. Part of this job required me to make dubs of commercials to air during the station's programming. Pretty dull shit. Anyway, one day I had to dub off a copy of a hearing aid commercial. As a little experiment, I thought it would be interesting to dub the on-air copy without audio. That way, everybody would be running to their phones to order hearing aids!! So I dubbed the spot and stuck the tape on the shelf. It aired dozens of times for several months.....but nobody noticed.

True story.