Sunday, March 2, 2008

Taint Misbehavin'

No, not that kind of taint, you sick fucks. This is a respectable blog. I'm talking about tainted meat...and I think I got a hold of some. Allow me to excrete myself.

Yesterday afternoon while I was at the neighborhood shopping center conducting my weekend errands, I developed a strong desire to consume a submarine sandwich item. Normally when such a hankering occurs, I head for a Quiznos, a Jersey Mike's, or as a last resort, a Subway. However, this particular shopping center had none of the above, so I was forced to take my business here:

That's right, Stuffy's. Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled with this alternative, but I needed a sandwich more than Ms. Babble needs birth control pills. So I decided to give them a chance.

The dining room was empty, except for one Stuffy's associate diligently vacuuming the crud-encrusted carpet. I figured I simply caught them between the lunch and dinner rush. Undeterred, I sashayed over to the counter and placed my order with the pimply faced sandwich artist. I selected "The Max" with its classic combination of roast beef, turkey, and some other meat product which escapes me at this time. I opted for mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onions. But I am no glutton, so I went with the regular size as opposed to the footlong.

My sandwich was made with great dispatch, and I paid the cashier flunkie and headed home to masticate. And boy did I ever! I shoved that meaty six inches in my mouth and sucked it down like there was no tomorrow. Mmmm, that was good eatin'!!!

Fast forward two hours, and I'm starting to feel a little queasy. Nothing major, just a little gastrointestinal discomfort. I'm doing some straightening up around the house, and I bend over to pick up a butt plug. (How did that get in here?? Must belong to Sassy.) As I retrieve the anal pleasure enhancement device, I suddenly feel dizzy and light headed. Fearing I may pass out, I stumble to the living room and stretch out on the sofa...and I remain there ill and immobilized for over TWO HOURS! My head is throbbing, my back is aching, and my stomach is gurgling the entire time.

I turn on the TV and dial up the CNN. Hillary's giving a speech to some people somewhere. Then it hits me out of nowhere. I need to get to a bathroom, and I need to get to a bathroom FAST. I drop the remote, spring to my feet, and hot foot it to the crapper, tripping over countless more butt plugs along the way. (Geez, Sassy! Pick up after yourself!!)

I perch myself atop my throne and let loose Within mere seconds, that bowl was literally filled to capacity. I stood and turned to admire my creation, and I was astounded. Somehow my six inch sub had managed to turn itself into a footlong - a footlong surrounded by a pool of dark brown sludge of such artistic beauty, I was tempted to alert the Smithsonian Instipoot. Unfortunately, they stopped taking my calls years ago. Their loss.

All of this brings me back to Stuffy's. I can't imagine an ordinary sub sandwich making me this sick. Something had to be terribly wrong with it. I'm not sure, but I suspect that I was given tainted meat. Something about the way that guy was looking at my while he prepared my six incher. Only problem is, I can't prove least not yet.

I did have the foresight to save a sample of my stool. I'm planning to have it analyzed by a stool specialist ASAP. But what I need now is a good lawyer to represent me in court. It should be an open and shut case. Any attorneys out there?? If so, please contact me immediately! My stool is starting to harden!

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