Saturday, November 10, 2007

Your $$$ At Work

I'm happy to inform you that the Mighty Blog writers' strike may be nearing an end! Yes, the protestors are showing signs of weakening...especially since I put the live scorpions in their shorts. But until the writers are back at work, I thought I would regale you with an insider's look at Dyckerson's day job.

Some bloggers don't like to write about their jobs for fear of being outed. I don't have this fear. I stopped giving a shit long ago, mainly because I hate my fucking job. Basically I work in I.T. for a huge, faceless corporation that steals from its customers and robs its employees of their will to live. That's right, it's an insurance company. I've written about it many times before - like my jackass dipshit managers...and the shitty building itself. But I don't think I've ever shared with you how much goddamn time gets wasted here.

This place has all the efficiency of a toilet filled with bricks. You want to know why your insurance premiums are so fucking high?? Here's what I do in a nut's hell: Each month I receive a file on my computer device. This file contains data. I take the file and move it to another folder on my computer device. (Are you with me so far??) Once the file has been moved to the correct folder, I run a simple application on my computer device. This application copies the data in the file and pastes it into something we call a data warehouse. (Not to be confused with a data whorehouse, which is an entirely different matter.) Anyway, all I have to do to run this application is edit two lines of code and click a few buttons. A Rhesus monkey could do it. Hell, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup could do it.

How long do you think this process takes? An hour or two?? Before you answer, I forgot to tell you I have to document every step I take ad nauseum. When I receive the file, I have to document it. When I move the file, I have to document it. When I copy the file to the data warehouse, I have to document that as well. And once I'm done documenting everything, I have to document the fact that I documented it.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? Wait, don't answer yet! I didn't mention the endless meetings and conference calls I must attend nearly EVERY FUCKING DAY. I meet with retarded clients who don't understand why they can't send us data in a different format without telling us. I meet with useless managers who want us to find ways to improve our process so they can look good to THEIR useless managers. I've never had a meeting that didn't end with me having MORE WORK.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? Stop right there, Pedro!! I neglected to tell you about the nasty emails from the Refrigerator Nazi and the constant interruptions from my loudmouth cube neighbor and the endless problems with our network that go ignored by our incompetent Help Desk whose members spend their time playing computer Solitaire and Texas Hang 'Em or whatever the fuck it's called.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? A day or two? Maybe a week?? Try ONE MONTH...and that's if I'm LUCKY (which, if you read my blog with any regularity whatsoever, you'll know I am NOT). That's right, a full month is required to move a file and load it into a database. Of course, there's a little more to it than that, but I had to dumb it down a bit for you morons. Still, it shouldn't take THIRTY FUCKING DAYS to load a file.

I can see why so many I.T. jobs are moving to India. I bet those foreign fuckers don't have to comb through tons of email and attend stupid meetings every day. They just go to work, move their files, and return to their tepees where they smoke their crack pipes and make novelty ashtrays to sell to retarded Americans on eBay. Which reminds me, I need to check my account. I hope nobody has outbid me...

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