Saturday, November 3, 2007

They're Back!!!

I'm talking, of course, about the best freakin' band the world has ever known - The Eagles, baby! That's Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, Timothy B. Schmit, and the incomparable DON HENLEY! Last week they released their first studio album in 28 years! It's called LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN, and it's available exclusively at your local Wal-Mart and/or Sam's Club store. If you have not already purchased this fine piece of musical brilliance, then WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??! This two-disc album contains 20 songs and sells at a price point of $11.88 - that's less than 60 CENTS PER SONG! A full 39 CENTS CHEAPER than iTunes! Plus, it includes a handy CARDBOARD SLEEVE to store your CD's *AND* a booklet containing LYRICS, ALBUM CREDITS, and pictures of ELDERLY MEN and SAND. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!

Perhaps you're wondering if the boys still have the touch after all these years. Well allow me to allay your fears by dissecting LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN track by track!

No More Walks in the Wood - The album starts off with this haunting tune sung acapulco by all four members of the band. It's Seven Bridges Road, only about trees instead of bridges!

How Long - This J.D. Souther cover sounds like a cross between Take It Easy and Already Gone. The Eagles used to play this in concerts in the early it's back for all to enjoy! Check out the music video on YouTube!

Busy Being Fabulous - Instant classic! With lead vocals by Mr. Henley, this catchy tune has a bit of a Lyin' Eyes sentiment in the lyrics.

What Do I Do With My Heart - I've only listened to this one a couple of times. I don't remember, but I think it's about organ donation. Sung by Glenn Frey.

Guilty Of The Crime - Originally by the Bellamy Brothers, whom I've never heard of. They should be thanking Joe Walsh for breathing new life into their otherwise shitty music.

I Don't Want To Hear Anymore - One of Timothy Schmit's two contributions on the album, this tune has a soulful, I Can't Tell You Why feel to it.

Waiting In The Weeds - "I've been biding time with the crows and sparrows/While peacocks prance and strut up on the stage." First-ever peacock reference in an Eagles song! Chicks are sure to dig this sensitive shit.

No More Cloudy Days - Previously released on the Live From Melbourne DVD. A good song, but it sounds like a reject from one of Glenn Frey's forgettable solo albums.

Fast Company - Mr. Henley showcases his incredible vocal range by singing this entire song falsetto. God bless him!

Do Something - A lovely tune sung by Timothy Schmit with a bridge by Mr. Henley. Another sensitive song that's sure to have the bitches nice and moist!

Long Road Out Of Eden - Disc 2 starts out with this Don Henley opus. Clocks in at over ten minutes, but feels like only five. THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD IT IS! "
Went down the road to Damascus, the road to Mandalay/Met the ghost of Caesar on the Appian Way." Holy shit, I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but it sounds damn impressive! Excellent guitar work by Joseph Walsh. The $11.88 is worth it for this song alone!

I Dreamed There Was No War - An instrumental piece of crap by Glenn Frey. You have my permission to skip this track.

Somebody - Finally Glenn redeems himself! This spooky rocker has a Witchy Woman-ish sound.

Frail Grasp On The Big Picture -
"All your romantic liasons/Don't deal with eternal questions like/Who left the cap off the freaking toothpaste?/Whose turn to take the garbage out?" Who says Don Henley doesn't have a sense of humor??!

Last Good Time In Town - Classic Walsh! 'Nuff said!

I Love To Watch A Woman Dance - Mr. Henley said in an interview that he felt there were a few tracks that shouldn't have been on the album. Undoubtedly this piece of shit sung by Glenn Frey is one of them.

Business As Usual - "
Monuments to arrogance reach for the sky/Our better nature's buried in the rubble/We got the prettiest White House that money can buy/Sitting up there in that beltway bubble." Don's pissed, and he ain't gonna take it anymore! Dirty Laundry, only BETTER!

Center Of The Universe - Another haunting tune with some beautiful harmonies. Hell, now I'M getting moist!!

It's Your World Now - Disc 2 concludes with this Mexican sounding tune reminiscent of Tequila Sunrise. A fitting ending to what will probably be the band's last album.

Now RUN - don't drive - to your nearest Wal-Mart and BUY THIS FUCKING ALBUM! And tell 'em Dyckie sentcha!!!!!!

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