Trails And Tribulations

I have new respect for the DyckMobile. Last weekend I took her to the mountains with a group of 4-wheeling rednecks for an off road adventure. I thought it would be a good opportunity to connect with nature and possibly score some hillbilly poon. You see, I had offered my empty seats to two female non-Jeep owners whom I had yet to meet. I was hoping at least one of them would look like Daisy Duke - you know, before she got old and fat. Boy was I wrong.

We met at an Exxon station near the trail head. Chick #1 was this short, squatty, rather talkative creature. I don't want to say this woman was ugly, but I've seen better looking bitches in Michael Vick's back yard. Chick #2 was a middle aged broad - divorced, grown kids, etc. I could practically hear her hoo-ha drying up from ten feet away. Yeah, this was going to be a fun day.

First thing you have to do before doing any serious off roading is air down your tires to improve traction. This rather complicated process involves jamming a key into your valve stems to allow air to escape. My passengers offered to assist, but seeing as they didn't know what the fuck a valve stem was, I opted to do it myself. I wasn't about to put the DyckMobile in the hands of two clueless cackling hens.

As I finished deflating the last tire, Chick #1 piped up: "PUT THE TOP DOWN! PUT THE TOP DOWN!" she screamed.

"Are you sure about that?" I asked her. "It's going to be pretty chilly once we get moving."

Her response: "PUT THE TOP DOWN! PUT THE TOP DOWN! WOO HOO!"

Chick #2 didn't give a damn one way or another, so reluctantly I removed the vinyl windows and lowered the canvas top. Then I brushed myself off, hopped back in the Heep, and started on our way.

At first, it was just dirt and gravel. If I had to compare the size of these rocks to one of my co-bloggers, I'd say they were about the size of Ms. Babble's ta-tas. So small, you really couldn't feel anything. I tried to take in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery, but Chick #1 wasn't having it.

"I'M COLD! PUT THE TOP UP!" she whined. I knew this was coming.

I muttered a string a four-letter words as I struggled to reassemble the top half of the DyckMobile. Meanwhile, the post-menopausal chick whipped out her digital camera and began snapping photos of anything and everything. You'd think this broad had never seen a squirrel before.

"MY CAMERA'S NOT WORKING! MY CAMERA'S NOT WORKING!" she whined. I ripped it out of her wrinkled claws and chucked it into a stream.

Further along the trail, the rocks got considerably larger. I'd say about the size of Sassy Blondie's boobies. As I'm sure you can imagine, the DyckMobile was hopping and bouncing all over the place. It was all I could do to maintain control of my penis...I mean, the wheel.

"WOO-HOO! GO FASTER! GO FASTER! WOO HOO!" yelled Chick #1.

I might have been turned on by that statement if she hadn't looked like Humpty Dumpty. Instead, she was just pissing me off. And did I mention the dime store perfume she was wearing?? Two weeks have gone by, and the DyckMobile STILL reeks of that bitch!

We bounced around for another hour and then stopped for lunch. Unfortunately there was no Burger Hole in the wilderness, so I had to settle for a cold bologna sandwich and a juice box. I felt like I was in fucking grammar school again. At this point I had to pee like a race horse, so I sneaked away from the group and knocked some bark off a tree.

The remainder of the trail was quite challenging. The biggest rocks yet - almost the size of RevRee's knockers. I was afraid we would bottom out or get stuck, but thanks to my superior driving skills, I was able to maneuver over and around the massive obstacles.

"GO FASTER! GO FASTER! WOO HOO!" screamed Humpty Dumpty.

I stopped the vehicle and turned around. "LISTEN HERE, YOU FAT FUCK! WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN JEEP, YOU CAN ABUSE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. BUT THIS ONE IS MINE, AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO PAY FOR MY FRONT END ALIGNMENT, I SUGGEST YOU LET ME DO THE DRIVING! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP OR YOU'LL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT OUT HERE!!!"

I might have gone a bit too far there. I really need to do something about my temper.

Finally we reached the end of the trail and I was able to dump the two broads by the side of the road. But I have to say, I'm quite proud of the DyckMobile for surviving the trip. Now if I could only get it to stop smelling like a five dollar whore.....