Sweater Inequity

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. A few weeks ago, I went shopping for fucking sweaters to add to my fucking wardrobe. I ended up purchasing three fucking sweaters from fucking Macy's. Little did I know one of my fucking sweaters had a fucking hole in it. Here is a fucking picture of my fucking sweaters:

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Sweater number A is my favorite, and it's A-OK. No holes whatsoever, except of course for the required holes for my head, arms, and torso. I wore that one two weeks ago, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Sweater number B is also quite nice. Again, no holes except for the requisite head/arm/torso openings. I wore that fucker last week, and it gave me great pleasure. But sweater number C is a different story altogether. Look more closely:

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Did you see it? Right on the fucking seam where the fucking shoulder meets the fucking arms. That's a high visibility area, my friends. Unacceptable. If the hole in my fucking sweater had been in the armpit region, I probably wouldn't be that fucking upset. Because hey, who really sees the armpit region of a fucking sweater? NOBODY...unless you walk around all day with your fucking arms in the air. In which case, you've got bigger problems than just a hole in your fucking sweater.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Whatever happened to a little thing called craftsmanship?? Does anybody take any fucking pride in their fucking work anymore? I went to fucking Macy's specifically so I could reduce the odds of my buying a sweater with a fucking hole in it. But I guess they're too busy planning lameass holiday parades to worry about fucking quality control.*

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. No, I do not have any fucking moths in my closet. Don't even go there, girlfriend. Why would a moth eat only one fucking sweater - along the seam - and leave my other fucking sweaters intact? Besides, if I had a moth in my closet, wouldn't I see moth droppings everywhere? Trust me, the only feces in my fucking closet is human.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Am I supposed to inspect every fucking garment now before I buy it? I fucking hate shopping enough as it is. I don't like looking at clothes in the fucking store because I can never get the fucking things folded the way they were before. Maybe that's why clothes are so fucking expensive - they all have to be folded by fucking origami masters.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. I didn't save the receipt, so I'm fucking screwed. That's thirty fucking dollars right down the fucking drain. I tried to fix the hole in my fucking sweater by poking at it with a fucking stick, but I just made the fucking thing worse.


I have a hole in my fucking sweater. I swear I think it has gotten bigger since I started writing this fucking post. Soon there will be no fucking sweater left. If left unchecked, the hole may start to engulf my other two fucking sweaters. When will it end?? Perhaps the hole in my fucking sweater is actually a vortex leading to another dimension - a dimension filled with hole-free sweaters.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. I suppose if I had two heads, it would be a Godsend. I could just enlarge the second fucking hole and stick my second fucking head through it. But alas, I was born with only one fucking head. And that head is telling me that my sweater fucking sucks.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Do any of you fucking idiots know how to repair the hole in my fucking sweater?? If so, speak now or forever hold your fucking peace. Otherwise I'm going to take my fucking sweater back to Macy's, stand in middle of the fucking store, and light it with a fucking match while singing three choruses of fucking Kumbaya.


* I wrote this fucking post before Christmas. So sue me.

Oops, I Did It Again

(AP) DYCKERSONVILLE - Mighty Dyckerson is back home today after being rushed to Cedar-Sinai hospital for a psychiatric evaluation last night. Police were called to Dyckerson's residence last night after neighbors reported an altercation between the famous internet blogger and his common-law wife Sassy Blondie.

When police arrived on the scene, they found Mighty Dyckerson laying on the kitchen floor covered in broken glass and curled up in the fetal position. Witnesses report hearing blood curdling screams emanating from the house around midnight.

"The screams were definitely coming from Dyckerson," said Danielle the HOR, longtime friend and neighbor.

"I'm sorry I wasn't home to enjoy it," said Ms. Karla J. Babble. "I was at the hospital giving birth to my ninth child."

"I am just a simple lymie from a faraway land," said Mr. Stan Bull of Turkey. "Nevertheless, I urge all Americans to vote for Dyckerson in November!"

Sassy Blondie released this statement to the press: "The bastard is psycho! We were engaging in sexual intercourse, and he pulled out this rusty metal thing and tried to violate me with it! He kept calling it his poon spoon! So I knocked him upside the head with a vase!"

Mighty Dyckerson was transported to Cedar-Sinai via whambulance, where paramedics reported more peculiar behavior from the celebrated monkey clown. Several female rescue workers stated that Dyckerson repeatedly ripped out his IV tube and attempted to fondle their ample bosoms.

"The man is an animal," said one EMT. "Can I get his number?"

Upon hearing the news, TV's Dr. Feel McGroin rushed to the hospital to be at Dyckerson's bedside.

"I am here not as a celebrity, but as a doctor. I have nothing but genuine concern for Dyckerson and his family," said Dr. Feel last night during his third press conference. "Now be sure to buy my new book - What The Hell Are You, An Idiot?? - available in fine bookstores everywhere."

Still in question is who will get custody of Mighty Dyckerson's son, Dyck Jr., whom he fathered during his third marriage to RevRee. Dyckerson is resting comfortably at home and is expected to return to blogging shortly.

At Your Cervix!

I don't normally do this, but I have gone and made myself a New Year's resolution. In 2008, I resolve to transform The Mighty Blog from a site filled with profanity and penis jokes into a center for education, enlightenment, and vagina jokes. That's why I was elated to learn that January is both National Mentoring Month AND National Cervical Health Awareness Month.

Now some of you may argue that I am already a mentor. While it is true that I routinely use The Mighty Blog as a tool to communicate my teachings to the civilized world, I feel this just isn't enough. So in observance of National Mentoring Month (NMM), I would like to volunteer my time to mentor one of you, my loyal readers. Perhaps you are at a crossroads in your life, and you need a little direction. Or maybe you're looking for a life coach to help you achieve your goals. Whatever the case may be, Mighty Dyckerson is here to help. So I urge each of you to write a short essay (50 words or less) explaining why I should choose you as my mentee. Please do so now. I will announce the winner in an upcoming post.

Speaking of mentoring, I would like to take this opportunity to mentor each of you on the importance of cervical health awareness. I'm willing to bet many of you don't even know what a cervix is. Per Wikipedia, the world's foremost authority on female reproduction, the cervix is the lower, narrow portion of the uterus where it joins with the top end of the vagina. In other words, it's where the poon meets the womb.

The cervix is a magical place. During menstruation, it stretches open slightly to allow the endometrium to be shed. Nobody really knows what the endometrium is, but most experts agree that it is important that it be shed at least once per month. This process often causes cramping in members of the female sex, which in turn causes members of the male sex to clean out their garages.

During orgasm, the cervix convulses in order to suck jizz from the poon to the womb and increase the likelihood of pregnancy. To help explain this concept, picture a vacuum cleaner:


Study this diagram and imagine you are having heterosexual intercourse. Upon ejaculation, the floor (or penis) releases dust (or semen), which in turn gets collected by the intake port (or vagina). From there, the dust (or semen) gets drawn upward by the motor and fan (or cervix) and into the dust bag (or uterus). This is where life begins. Now I'm not exactly sure what the exhaust port is for. Maybe one of you ladies can clue me in.

So now that we know what the cervix is, why is cervical health important?? Simple. Nearly 7 out of every 10 women will die of cervical cancer this year alone.* That's why it is critical for women to get their paps smeared at least once a week. During this procedure, a doctor pries open the twat using a crowbar and jams a poon spoon inside to collect a sample of pap. A doctor then smears the pap on his tongue to see if it tastes bitter or acrid. If it does, bitch got cancer.

Of course even with insurance, weekly exams can be quite costly. But because I believe so strongly in the importance of weekly pap smearing, I routinely volunteer my pap smearing services to members of the fairer sex. Although I am not a licensed physician, I perform almost the exact same procedure as you would get in a doctor's office. Only instead of collecting a sample with a poon spoon, I use my penis. So if you are an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 25 (or a sassy blonde of any age), please contact me today for a free consultation. You'll be glad you did. I sure as hell know I will.


* Just a wild guess.

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #1

And now, the exciting conclusion to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts, DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!



DICK: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen! The moment you've all been waiting for! Yes, it's time for us to reveal Mighty Dyckerson's number 1 post of 2007! You can really feel the excitement, can't you Ryan??

RYAN: Yeah, whatever. Feel THIS, you wrinkled old corpse!



DICK: This wrinkled corpse can still kick your pansy ass, princess! Anyway, the number 1 post was published way back in October 2007. Mighty Dyckerson had just returned from a weekend retreat in the mountains where he encountered some wild and exotic animals. Coming in at number 1, here's The Call Of The Wild!!!

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RYAN: Ha ha ha ha ha! That's precious! And that's it for our 2007 countdown! Dick, as always, its been a pain in the butt working with you.

DICK: You should know all about butt pain, you no-talent ass goblin!

RYAN: Why don't you fucking retire, old timer?? You're irrelevant in today's world!

DICK: That's it! You're going DOWN, bitch!!



This has been THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN! Thanks for joining us, and Happy New Year!!!

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #4 - #2

And now, we return to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!


DICK: Thank you so much, and welcome back! I'm TV's Dick Clark! Ryan and I are counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten posts of 2007!

RYAN: That's right, you old fossil...and we're getting down to the wire, folks! The excitement in the air is simply indescribable! Wouldn't you say so, Dick?

DICK: How the fuck did you get this job anyway? Wasn't Regis available??

RYAN: Ha ha, you're such a kidder! Let's move on to number 4 on the big countdown! As some of you may recall, a new weight loss drug called Alli hit the market. Well when Mighty Dyckerson got wind of this, he really hit the roof! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Anyway, without further ado, here's Pardon My Oily Spotting!!!

DICK: Seriously, did you win a contest or something? I don't get it!!

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RYAN: Wow, that was really super! Hey Dick, I just realized something! Your first name is Dick, and Mighty Dyckerson's name is Dyck! That's Dick and Dyck! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

DICK: Yeah, two dicks. You must really be in Heaven right now. OK, moving right along...number 3 on our countdown is really a literary masterpiece. Penned only a few weeks ago, it's the haunting and enchanting Ode To Sassy Blondie!!!

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DICK: Hey Ryan, what's the longest running game show in daytime television?

RYAN: Well it sure as hell wasn't that "Pyramid" show, was it? They canceled that piece of shit like 2o years ago! I was still in high school! Ha ha ha ha!

DICK: Your breath reeks of semen. Anyway, I was referring of course to "The Price is Right." Our Mighty D. went to see a taping of that very show last April, and he chronicled his entire trip in a 7-part series aptly titled, A Dyck In Hollywood!

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RYAN: Wow, that was really great! I can't imagine what could possibly top that! How about you, gramps??

DICK: Gramps is going to cram your tube of hair gel up your fucking ass!!

RYAN: Hey, that sounds like fun!

DICK: I should have known. Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow for the NUMBER 1 POST OF 2007!! We'll see you then!!!

RYAN: What did you mean by that last comment?

DICK: You're my bitch now, so just drop it.

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #7 - #5

Welcome back to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!




DICK: Hi everybody, and welcome back! If you're just joining us, we're counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten blog posts of 2007! This is truly exciting! There's a certain electricity in the air tonight! Wouldn't you agree, Ryan?

RYAN: Right you are, you miserable old shitbag! Yesterday we left off at number 8, so what do you say we get this ball rolling again with number 7??!

DICK: I'm sure you know all about balls, you queer motherfu-

RYAN: Okay then, moving right along! Number 7 on the countdown is a hilarious post Mighty D. wrote while under the influence of alcohol. Here's A Drunken Post!!!

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DICK: Ryan, what do you think of when I say the word POON?

RYAN: Umm...well...I'm not really sure...

DICK: That's what I thought, Mary Poppins. Anyway, number 6 on our countdown is a post that started a whole new sensation across America! I'm talking, of course, about POON!!!

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RYAN: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Funny stuff, huh Dick??!

DICK: Why don't you just come out of the closet already? Moving on, we have two posts TIED for number 5...and they both have to do with Mighty Dyckerson's crappy I.T. job!

RYAN: Wowzers!!

DICK: Please shut your piehole. Now then, the first post in the number 5 position dates back to June 2007, and it's called quite simply, I Hate My Job.

RYAN: And the other post in the number 5 slot is sort of a page from M.D.'s diary. It's called A Day In The Life!!

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DICK: We're getting down to the wire now! Be sure to tune in tomorrow as we continue counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten posts of 2007!

RYAN: Seacrest out!

DICK: I swear to God I will stab you in the eyes if you do not shut up!!!

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #10 - #8

Now it's time for THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN! And here are your hosts, DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!!!



DICK: Thank you very much, and welcome to our show. I'm TV's Dick Clark!

RYAN: And I'm Ryan Seacrest. I have no talent whatsoever. But over the next few days, I'll be helping Dick to ring in the new year by counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten blog posts of 2007!

DICK: Right you are, you fucking fruitcake! Let's get started with number 10. The year 2007 came in with a real bang when Saddam Hussein got his neck stretched for being such a meanie. And our own Mighty Dyckerson scored the interview of the year when he sat down with Ralph Al-Yossef, the guy who executed Saddam. Coming in at number 10, here's Dope On A Rope!!!

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RYAN: Ahh, that was a classic. Being gay, I appreciate a good butt...especially when it's on a guy. But earlier this year, Mighty Dyckerson wrote about a female fanny that made quite an impression on him. Here's number 9 on our countdown, I Am An Ass Man!!!

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DICK: Ha ha ha ha ha! You know Ryan, when I look at you, I immediately think about feces.

RYAN: Bite me, you washed-up old prune.

DICK: Shut it, asshole. I brought up feces because we have TIE at number 8...and both posts deal with excrement! The first post was about an unfortunate incident that took place in a movie theater years ago. It's called Sandra Bullock Makes Me Crap My Pants. The second post was so good, it was a two-parter! From September 2007, I give you An Inconvenient Poop!!! And don't forget An Inconvenient Poop - Part 2!!!

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RYAN: That's some great material right there!

DICK: You got that right, you flaming fucker! Stay tuned tomorrow for numbers 7 through 5!!!!!