Sunday, June 15, 2008

Let's Beat the Press

Ask many anything you want to know about NBC's Tim Russert. Did you know he was from Buffalo? Did you know he was Irish Catholic? Did you know his dad drove a trash truck? Did you know his wife was a writer for Vanity Fair? Did you know he had a son named Luke who goes to Boston University? Did you know he used to be a lawyer before NBC hired him to moderate Press the Meat? Did you know he was in charge of the Washington Bureau and Vice President of NBC News? Did you know he was a tough but fair interviewer? Did you know he always did his homework?

If you've tuned in to a news broadcast anytime since Friday afternoon at 3:30pm, surely you would have known all of this as well. That's when the holy saint of teevee journalism literally dropped dead of myocardiothrombosinary arterioinfarctinosis. Ever since then, the news coverage has been nonstop. Jesus H. Christ, you'd think the Pope died!

It w`s Tom Brokaw who broke the news on Friday, weeping like a little school girl in an obvious attempt to gain ratings. What the fuck was he doing there anyway? Didn't that idiot retire like four years ago? Did he sneak out of the old anchors' home and wander into the studio?? They really need to put locks on those doors. But I digest.

Soon CNN and Fox News jumped on the bandwagon and began their own respective Tim Russert love fests, showing the same photos and running the same clips over and over and over and over again. Never has it been more apparent how in love these twits are with themselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Tim was a nice guy, but COME ON!!! Nice people croak EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!

Today I turned on MSNBC thinking the Russert weep-a-thon would be over. I was hoping to catch one of them "Lockup" shows. You know, the ones about the maximum security prisons where the inmates throw their own feces at one another til the guards have to extract them with a cattle prod? God damn, I do love those shows! But NOOOO, not today! I tuned in to find some half-wit numb nut who probably NEVER EVEN MET Tim Russert talking about what a wonderful guy he was.

Why don't we just make Monday a national holiday? Will that make these fucking news puppets happy? Or do we need to erect a statue? Perhaps a Tim Russert stamp or a commemorative coin? Is a non-President eligible for Mount Rushmore? If not, maybe we need to make an exception.

Just once I'd like to hear one of these air heads say something negative about the guy. Something like, Russert once bitch slapped an intern for fucking up his lunch order...or, Russert once drowned a sack of kittens for no apparent reason...or, Russert once stripped naked, pranced around the studio and waved his junk in front of Condoleeza Rice. Now that's what I call must-see TV!

But of course, that will never happen. That's because behind all the fake sympathy and tears, those ass clowns are secretly salivating at the chance to move up the corporate ladder. They're putting on their game faces in hopes that the exec's on the top floor take notice and anoint them as Russert's successor. Well good luck with that. I worked in TV for a long fucking time, and if I know management, they'll take Tim's million dollar salary, divide it up amongst themselves, and fill the Press the Meat moderator chair with an intern working for $8.50 an hour.

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