Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Happy Birthday, Mighty Blog!

Yes, that's right! The Mighty Blog turns THREE YEARS YOUNG today! Can you believe how time flies??! Seems like only yesterday that I took the blogging world by storm, literally changing the Internets forever! To think I started out with just five readers...and today, I have nearly ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES that many!!!

Now before I continue, I have let you down. I have been terribly neglectful of my blogging responsibilities, and I am deeply ashamed. These are difficult times we live in, and I know all of you count on my guidance to help steer you down the path of life. I haven't been there, and for that I am sorry.

Truth is, I was just about ready to give up on blogging. In the last three years, I've addressed just about every topic of importance: poop, poon, piss, boobs, twats, farts, fucking, fellatio, pricks, spics, coons, dykes, chinks, dianetics, diabetics, diarrhea, and the mortgage meltdown. You name it, I've covered it. There just didn't seem like any point in continuing.

But then, just about the time I stopped blogging, all Hell broke loose.

Three weeks ago, gas was a paltry $3.15 per gallon. Now it has shot up to nearly THIRTY DOLLARS PER OUNCE. A mere coincidence?? I think not! You and I know damn well that if I had been here, heads would have rolled. The Mighty Blog is read by some of the most powerful figures in Washington, many of whom are nearing the end of their sentences. And when they get out of the clink, those greedy oil company CEOs better WATCH THE FUCK OUT!!!

Also while I was gone, there was a big earthquake in China. Nearly ten billion killed so far, and still counting. Sad thing is, nobody can identify the bodies. Turns out even they can't tell themselves apart! Now I'm not saying my absence caused the tectonic plates to shift, but who knows? Perhaps if all those slant-eyed bastards had been sitting quietly in their homes and reading my blog instead of out discovering the automobile and using up all our fuel, God would not have punished them.

Then Ted Kennedy got himself a tumor in his noggin. Ask me if I care. It's not that I'm an insensitive jerk. I just have a hard time feeling sorry for a boozer who lives in a bubble and gets off free after killing some chick while driving drunk and then leaving the scene of the accident. But that's beside the point. Maybe if old Teddy had been reading my blog instead of tossing back martinis, his head would have been filled with knowledge instead of cancer.

And finally, just the other day, Harvey Korman croaked. Harvey was definitely one of the top three most talented members of the Carol Burnett Show cast. (That's not counting Jim Conrad, who wasn't made an official cast member until three years after the show was cancelled.) I think I speak for everyone when I say, why couldn't it have been Lyle Waggoner??! That no-talent pretty boy shitbag could have kicked the bucket 20 years ago and it would have been no great loss. But what does my lack of posts have to do with Harvey's passing? Elementary. Mr. Korman was obviously a fan of my blog, as any man with an appreciation for cerebral humor would be. So when I stopped blogging, Harvey simply lost the will to live.

It was at that moment that I realized how much the world needs Dyckerson. If I don't return, there's no telling what kind of tragedy will happen next...

So here's to another three years! Long Live The Mighty Blog!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment