The Tree is Here Already?!?!

Dayum....I had to put another post up after the last one but WTF...it's NOVEMBER 9th!

Christmas comes earlier every year. Is that from Charlie Brown? Probably.

STRIKE!

There's a major crisis here at the headquarters of Mighty Blog. Last night at exactly 12:01am, my entire writing staff walked off the job complaining of low wages and poor working conditions. People, I am in shock here! I'm the greatest boss in the world! It even says so on the coffee mug I bought for myself from Target!

Low wages??! I pay each and every one of my writers in authentic "Dyck Dollars," which can be used to purchase a wide assortment of Mighty Dyckerson merchandise at the Mighty Blog Novelty Shoppe. For example, with their employee discount, writers can acquire one of my gently used condoms for only $90 Dyck Dollars! That's nearly 1% off the retail price!*

Poor working conditions??! WTF? My writers get relatively clean drinking water and two heaping bowls of rice every day...plus I personally hose down their cages at least once a month. Now while it is true that underperforming writers are subject to random tasing, I would hardly consider that a bad thing. So one guy died last week. The fans come first! Besides, how was I supposed to know the bastard had a fucking pacemaker??

Anyway, until we can get this misunderstanding cleared up, you may notice a few changes around here. First, there will be far fewer jokes about poon, poop, and Ms. Babble's illegitimate children. Instead, expect to read more jokes about Ovaltine, airplane peanuts, and Ms. Babble's sexual promiscuity.

In addition, I may occasionally have to resort to reusing old material. I will make every effort to ensure that these insertions are as seamless as possible. You probably won't even notice it. (Did I tell you about that tramp Ms. Babble?? Geez, does she ever get around!!)

And finally, many of my witty, satirical posts will be replaced by grainy cell phone pictures of Miracle Ass:




But fear not, Dyck fans! I have several bargaining tools at my disposal, and I am quite confident that we can negotiate a deal that is fair and just.....




* Not including 5% sales tax and 10% processing fee.

They're Back!!!

I'm talking, of course, about the best freakin' band the world has ever known - The Eagles, baby! That's Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, Timothy B. Schmit, and the incomparable DON HENLEY! Last week they released their first studio album in 28 years! It's called LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN, and it's available exclusively at your local Wal-Mart and/or Sam's Club store. If you have not already purchased this fine piece of musical brilliance, then WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??! This two-disc album contains 20 songs and sells at a price point of $11.88 - that's less than 60 CENTS PER SONG! A full 39 CENTS CHEAPER than iTunes! Plus, it includes a handy CARDBOARD SLEEVE to store your CD's *AND* a booklet containing LYRICS, ALBUM CREDITS, and pictures of ELDERLY MEN and SAND. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!



Perhaps you're wondering if the boys still have the touch after all these years. Well allow me to allay your fears by dissecting LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN track by track!

No More Walks in the Wood - The album starts off with this haunting tune sung acapulco by all four members of the band. It's Seven Bridges Road, only about trees instead of bridges!

How Long - This J.D. Souther cover sounds like a cross between Take It Easy and Already Gone. The Eagles used to play this in concerts in the early 70s...now it's back for all to enjoy! Check out the music video on YouTube!

Busy Being Fabulous - Instant classic! With lead vocals by Mr. Henley, this catchy tune has a bit of a Lyin' Eyes sentiment in the lyrics.

What Do I Do With My Heart - I've only listened to this one a couple of times. I don't remember, but I think it's about organ donation. Sung by Glenn Frey.

Guilty Of The Crime - Originally by the Bellamy Brothers, whom I've never heard of. They should be thanking Joe Walsh for breathing new life into their otherwise shitty music.

I Don't Want To Hear Anymore - One of Timothy Schmit's two contributions on the album, this tune has a soulful, I Can't Tell You Why feel to it.

Waiting In The Weeds - "I've been biding time with the crows and sparrows/While peacocks prance and strut up on the stage." First-ever peacock reference in an Eagles song! Chicks are sure to dig this sensitive shit.

No More Cloudy Days - Previously released on the Live From Melbourne DVD. A good song, but it sounds like a reject from one of Glenn Frey's forgettable solo albums.

Fast Company - Mr. Henley showcases his incredible vocal range by singing this entire song falsetto. God bless him!

Do Something - A lovely tune sung by Timothy Schmit with a bridge by Mr. Henley. Another sensitive song that's sure to have the bitches nice and moist!

Long Road Out Of Eden - Disc 2 starts out with this Don Henley opus. Clocks in at over ten minutes, but feels like only five. THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD IT IS! "Went down the road to Damascus, the road to Mandalay/Met the ghost of Caesar on the Appian Way." Holy shit, I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but it sounds damn impressive! Excellent guitar work by Joseph Walsh. The $11.88 is worth it for this song alone!

I Dreamed There Was No War - An instrumental piece of crap by Glenn Frey. You have my permission to skip this track.

Somebody - Finally Glenn redeems himself! This spooky rocker has a Witchy Woman-ish sound.

Frail Grasp On The Big Picture - "All your romantic liasons/Don't deal with eternal questions like/Who left the cap off the freaking toothpaste?/Whose turn to take the garbage out?" Who says Don Henley doesn't have a sense of humor??!

Last Good Time In Town - Classic Walsh! 'Nuff said!

I Love To Watch A Woman Dance - Mr. Henley said in an interview that he felt there were a few tracks that shouldn't have been on the album. Undoubtedly this piece of shit sung by Glenn Frey is one of them.

Business As Usual - "Monuments to arrogance reach for the sky/Our better nature's buried in the rubble/We got the prettiest White House that money can buy/Sitting up there in that beltway bubble." Don's pissed, and he ain't gonna take it anymore! Dirty Laundry, only BETTER!

Center Of The Universe - Another haunting tune with some beautiful harmonies. Hell, now I'M getting moist!!

It's Your World Now - Disc 2 concludes with this Mexican sounding tune reminiscent of Tequila Sunrise. A fitting ending to what will probably be the band's last album.


Now RUN - don't drive - to your nearest Wal-Mart and BUY THIS FUCKING ALBUM! And tell 'em Dyckie sentcha!!!!!!

The Call of the Wild

The life of a superstar blogger is wrought with incredible stress. Week after week I am under constant pressure to produce the top quality entertainment you've come to expect from The Mighty Blog. Trust me, it's no day on the bitch. Sometimes I just need to take a day or two and get away from it all. So last weekend, I loaded up the DyckMobile with rations and headed for the mountains to become one with nature. (Long time readers may remember my previous trip back in 2005.)



The area was teeming with rare and exotic wildlife, and being the animal lover I am, I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a snapshot or three. Take a look for yourself.....


The first animal I encountered was the North American zebra, easily identifiable by its squinty eyes and mix of black and white coloring. They are nomadic creatures who tend to roam the midwest in search of career opportunities. Their fingers are incredibly nimble, making them quite adept at text messaging.





This rare bird is known chiefly by its scientific name, boobicus giganticus. The female of this species is characterized by their enormous teets, which they often use to gain favor with males especially during mating season.






I used my telephoto lens to snap this photo of the ferocious grizzly hor. Note its furry coat and devilish grin. These animals are extremely dangerous and are best avoided. But if cornered, your best defense is to rub its crotch until it curls up in a ball and purrs like a kitten. They tend to hibernate in winter and masturbate in spring, summer, and fall.





This is the giant hooterfly, an interesting specimen known mainly for its filthy mouth. The hooterfly is attracted to gay hairdressers and feeds mainly on a steady diet of fermented beverages.






Not long after spotting the hooterfly, I managed to capture the first known photograph of the elusive sassysquatch. The picture turned out rather blurry, but I'm betting I can still sell this photo to the The Globe.






Here is the infamous monsteria scaricus, or scary monster. This slimy, disgusting creature is known for its poor grammar and its violent stomping behavior.







This hideous beast is the flat chested horny babbler, a rather unintelligent species that breeds at an alarming rate. In fact, they are such a nuisance that hunters are encouraged to shoot them on sight to help reduce their population.






Next up is the dixie chick, an outspoken foul with controversial political beliefs. They are often spotted around trailer parks, tractor pulls, and NASCAR events. This particular dixie chick was strutting its tail feathers in search of a cock to mate with.





At one point on my journey, I was almost attacked by this rabid British coon. These coons, which are native to England, Turkey, and other third world countries, feed mostly on tea and krumpets. Their thick coats are the perfect breeding ground for ticks and therefore carry lymie disease.





And finally, the highlight of my trip: A rare sighting of the handsome silver tongued poon hound. Known for its extremely large genitalia, only one of these magnificent beasts exists in captivity and is scheduled to be released in 15 months (12 on good behavior).

***AFFILIATE ALERT***

ATTENTION ALL MIGHTY BLOG AFFILIATES: Some of you may have been experiencing difficulty viewing the wonderful graphic elements that make up The Mighty Blog. After conducting an exhaustive investigation, I have determined the culprit: Comcast online storage. This is where I keep The Mighty Blog's image files, and apparently the geniuses at Comcast recently made a change that rendered the images invisible to users of Internets Explorer. Therefore I have moved all of The Mighty Blog graphics to an alternate online storage service. This includes The Mighty Blog mascot, The Mighty Blog banner, The Mighty Blog flashing light matrix, The Mighty Blog sidebar headers, and last but not least, The Mighty Blog Seal Of Affiliation.

Many of you have the official Seal Of Affiliation prominently displayed on your blogs. If you have your own copies of the Seal Of Affiliation, then you're fine. However, if you are hot linking to my old storage site on Comcast, you will need to update your code to point to the new site located here, on Botophucket. You have 48 hours to comply with this directive, or your affiliate status may be subject to immediate suspension or revocation.

And now, a final word to the folks at Comcrap. This ordeal has caused me a great deal of emotional stress and anxiety. As such, I feel I should be compensated. You will be hearing from my attorneys in short order. And a word of warning: They're Jewish. I suggest you accept the settlement they are proposing. That is all.

A Night at the Oprah

Lambo isn't the only blogger who has been sending me disturbing correspondences. Last week I received rather a suspicious plain white envelope in the mail from our old friend RevRee. I immediately sent it to the boys in the lab* to have it tested for anthrax and nerve gas, but luckily it turned out negative. Upon opening the package, I was overcome by noxious fumes emanating from deep inside. For a moment I thought I would have to fire the boys in the lab and get me some new boys. But I was later informed by RevRee that the caustic substance was commercially available form of perfume known as a "body splash." Now I don't know about you, but I always thought "body splash" was something that happened on the toilet after eating too much chili.

I dumped the contents of the package on the kitchen counter. The first thing that caught my eye was a greeting card with a black and white photo of a somewhat homely woman in a cheerleading outfit. Printed on the inside of the card: "Edward was secretly amused after winning the title of Miss Lubbock." And scribbled underneath was something to the effect of, "HA HA HA, isn't that funny??!" Sorry RevRee, but the only greeting cards I enjoy are the ones that contain cash. But thanks anyway.

The other item contained in this package was a gold, shiny disc-shaped object with the words "OPRAH DAVE" written in black magic marker. Must be a CD by some new rock group, I thought. But then I remembered: Eight years ago, RevRee promised to send me a DVD of David Letterman's appearance on the Oprah show. (Apparently the mail is a little slow in the Podunk town she lives in.)

Before I continue, let's set the record straight. I do not like Oprah or any of her book club joining, spirit feeling, Maya Angelou worshiping followers. These brainwashed yentas and their scented candles are a danger to society and need to be stopped. However, I do enjoy the comedy stylings of Mr. David Letterman, a man who rarely appears on other peoples' shows. So it was with great anticipation that I slid the OPRAH DAVE disc in my DVD player.

I don't think I've ever sat through an entire Oprah program in my entire life...and after sitting through this DVD, now I know why. The show begins with Oprah's grand entrance. I swear to you, when this woman walks into a room, it was like the second coming of Christ. I haven't heard so much hooting and hollering since alcohol-induced night of debauchery with a certain Ms. Babble. Oprah's intro was shot with approximately 37 cameras, NONE OF WHICH appear to be in focus. I'm guessing that's the way Oprah likes it.

Oprah said a few words to her loyal subjects, but it was hard to hear anything over the cackling and screaming. Finally, Dave came out and took a seat in one of Oprah's oversized, overpadded chairs. Oprah then proceeded to ask Dave a series of predictable questions about fatherhood, being a comedian, and surviving a sextuple heart bypass. Really groundbreaking material.

I just don't get it. How the fuck did this no-talent nappy headed ho get to be fucking famous?? What do you bitches see in her anyway??! Geez, if you're going to idolize somebody, it should be a MAN...and that man should be ME!

To add insult to injury, Dave didn't even do the full hour. The second half of the show consisted of a mind blowing interview with the one and only Lisa Marie Presley, who spoke for 20 minutes about what it's like having Presley for a last name. Oprah reached for a box of Kleenex as the obligatory sobbing began. It was at this point that I snatched the DVD from the player, tossed it in my own Presley, and shat upon it with great vigor. (Can you say IRONY???)

Now let that serve as a lesson for the rest of you. If you're thinking of sending me a package, that package better contain CASH, PORN, or a combination of cash AND porn. You got that??!



* I do not have a lab, nor do I have any boys. Unless you count my houseboy Pepe.

Well I'll Be Lambed

Results of the latest (and first) Mighty Blog poll are in. As you may recall, the issue was whether or not I should add Lambo's blog to my sidebar. Well the people have spoken, and the answer is clear. A whopping 80% of you do NOT want Lambo to be a Mighty Blog affiliate! I was fully prepared to not add Lambo to my list...that is, until I received this rather disturbing message in my inbox:

LISTEN HERE, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SHIT STAIN. YOU BETTER ADD MY FUCKING BLOG TO YOUR DAMN SIDEBAR, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH A GIANT WAD OF MY ASS WOOL. THEN I'M GOING TO CUT OFF YOUR BIG FAT HEAD WITH A CHAIN SAW AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER??! PRAISE JESUS!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I was just as shocked and appalled as you are. To think this supposedly sweet, innocent ovine could have such a dark side!! I have nothing else to say except......Please join me in welcoming The Mighty Blog's newest affiliate, Lambo the Foul-Mouthed Ewe!