There Is A God

I know I've been in a funk lately. But thanks to an incident that occurred earlier this evening, my spirits have been lifted. Life is good!

You see, I live in a townhouse. The way the units are laid out, the living rooms are in the back, with a large sliding glass door leading to the back yard. Fences separate each yard, but I can still see, hear, and smell most everything the neighbors are doing when they are back there.

It was a beautiful late summer day here in Dyckersonville. Skies were overcast throughout the day, but not a single drop of rain had fallen. A perfect evening for a barbecue...or so my new jackass neighbors thought. I call them jackasses even though we've never met. I just assume they are jackasses because most people are. I figure I'll just go with the odds on this one.

Anyway, their grill came out around 6pm. I know this because the acrid smell of burning charcoal began choking me around this time. Of course I could close my screen door, but goddammit, it's the first cool night of the season and I'll be goddamned if I'll let those pricks ruin it for me. Then came the sound of something I truly hate. I ask you, is there anything worse than the sound of kids laughing and playing?? Happy people make me sick, but happy children make me positively homicidal. Children should be dead and not heard.

So there I was, my senses being assaulted, my entire evening about to be fucked by Mr. & Mrs. Suburbia and their retarded punkass kids. At that very moment, the clouds that had been lingering all day finally decided to blow their loads right over Dyckersonville. And it didn't just rain. It POURED! HA! HA HA!! HA HA HA HA!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

I ran to the door to get a better look. The kids' laughter instantly turned to bloodcurdling screams as they hurried inside, leaving dear dad stranded with a giant plate full of soggy wieners and buns. Meanwhile, mommy was getting soaked chasing after the napkins and paper plates that were blowing all over the yard. BWAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, is it wrong to find humor in the misfortune of others?

I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

I guess the ol' neighbors had to order take-out. Such a pity. Really it is.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

HA HA!!!

HA!

I think I'm done now. Man, I love the rain.

*

I would like to be hospitalized for a lengthy period of time.

I know most people tend to hate hospitals. I am not one of those people. Call me crazy, but I would like nothing more than to be laid up in a private room with an adjustable bed, color TV, and round-the-clock maid service. I would like to have bland meals brought to me on a plastic tray by a sexy nurse wearing a tight-fitting uniform. I would like the aforementioned nurse to feed me with a spoon and scrub me with a loofah. I would like to piss in a bag and shit in a pot without having to leave the bed, and I would like an underpaid orderly to clean up the mess. I would like a breathing tube to relieve me of all this pesky inhaling and exhaling, and I would like an I.V. tube to feed morphine into my system 24/7. I would like to be showered with cards, flowers, and confections by people I hardly know or care about. And most of all, I would like all of this to be paid for by someone who isn't me.

I'm not sick, nor have I recently sustained any debilitating injuries. I am just tired of everything and I need a fucking break.

I am tired of alarm clocks. I am tired of personal hygiene. I am tired of fighting the same goddamn traffic every day to go the same goddamn job and interacting with the same goddamn people. I am tired of pressing buttons on electronic devices. I am tired of listening to people and processing their words with my brain. I am tired of pumping gas. I am tired of loading my piece-of-shit dishwasher, only to end up having to wash everything by hand anyway. I am tired of coins. I am tired of reading and writing, but not of 'rithmetic. I am tired of doing laundry. I am tired of waiting in line at the store behind morons who, when they get to the register, are genuinely surprised that they are expected to actually PAY for their items, and who therefore spend 20 minutes of MY TIME searching for their cash or their debit card or their checkbook or their fucking food stamps. I am tired of bending down to tie my shoes. I am tired of looking at my neighbor's dogs when I take out the trash. I am tired of taking out the trash.

I think being in a coma would be very relaxing, as long as nobody pulled the plug on my ass.

I'd like to tell everyone I know that I am dying of a brain tumor. Boy, I'd really be the center of attention then, wouldn't I? Everybody would be all worried about me and shit. They'd bring me homemade soup and offer me pillows. No one would dare ask me to do squat...and if they did, I'd just say "Hey asshole, I have a brain tumor!" And if I ever did anything stupid like lose my car keys or forget somebody's name, I could just play the tumor card. People would be like, "Poor Dyckerson, that brain tumor is really getting to him now." It would be a free pass to say or do anything I wanted.

Life is too fucking complicated.

I'm thinking about selling all my shit on eBay and cashing in my 401K. I'll buy a tent and live off the land the rest of my life. No job, no mortgage, no taxes. I'll grow a long scraggly beard and carry a stick. I'll spend spring and summer at the beach, autumn in the mountains, and in the winter I'll hibernate like a bear. Yeah, I could get used to that real easy.

And I wouldn't miss you fuckers one damn bit.

September 11

No, we're not back. Nobody is going to read this, but I don't care. Today is the 6th anniversary of "9/11". It's been a strange one. I feel conflicted about this year for some reason. Lots of people just want to move on, don't want to see ceremonies, nobody dares wear an American flag anymore. Part of me agrees, but I think that's because forgetting is the easy way out. Pretend it didn't happen, and it's OK. But it's not OK. Thousands of people are gone. What else can we give them if not a day to remember them.

Fun With Spammers V: The Triumphant Return

I feel I must apologize for my recent outburst about the memes. It was rude and totally uncalled for. Don't get me wrong, I still hate memes more than life itself. I'm just a little cranky because I recently got turned down for a lucrative job offer I received in my email inbox. Read on:


Dear Sir/Madam,

Would you like to work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weekly? We are glad to offer you for a job position at our company(Interface FabricsLimited),We need someone to work for the company as a Representative/Book keeper in your country. This is in view of our not having an office presently in your country.

My name is Mr Thomas Martins currently working as a consultant here in the United Kingdom. I found this medium an opportunity to contact you and talk to you to know if you can work with our company. I work as a consultant for a fabric company in United Kingdom called Interface FabricsLimited). I will like to know if you can work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weekly.

***YOUR TASK IS TO CO-ORDINATE PAYMENTS FROM CUSTOMERS AND HELP US WITH THE PAYMENT PROCESSING***

BENEFIT IS AS FOLLOWS:
* The average monthly income is about $2000....
* No form of investments from you....
* This job takes only 1-3 hours per day....
* You do not pay any form of taxes....

REQUIEDMENTS:
* Full Name.
* Residential Address(In Full,Not P.O.BOX)
* Contact Phone number(s).
* Email.
* Age.
* Occupation.
* Bank Name(Only).

Reply me as soon as possible if you are interested for more details to this email (interfacefabricsll_001@yahoo.de) and I will be glad to get back to you within 24hr.

Best Regards
Thomas Martins
MANGER : INTERFACE FABRICS


Now I ask you, how am I to turn down an offer like that??? Here is my response to Mr. Martins.....

Dear Mr. Martins,

Bless you for contacting me via this medium about the job position with your company (Interface FabricsLimited). Yes, I would be thrilled to work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weakly. Your offer could not come at a better time, as I am struggling to pay my legal bills after getting caught by security cameras in a somewhat compromising position. I also do not have an orifice in this country, but I enjoy interfacing with fabrics and I feel I would be a real asshat for your company (Interface FabricsLimited).

**PLEASE CONTACT ME URGENTLY ABOUT HOW I CAN APPLY FOR THIS EXCITING JOB POSITION AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU ALL INTENDS TO CONDUCT A BACKGROUND CHECK**

I am currently looking forwards for your reply.

Best regards,
Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson


Sure enough, Mr. Martins kept his promise and replied within 24 hours. What a guy.....


Dear Mr. Dyckerson,

Your email is well noted by us and we want you to fill the Requiement below before payment can be send to you by ower costomers.

REQUIEDMENTS:
* Full Name.
* Residential Address(In Full,Not P.O.BOX).
* Contact Phone number(s).
* Email.
* Age.
* Occupation.
* Bank Name(Only).

Best Regards
Thomas Martins
MANGER : INTERFACE FABRICS


This is a man who knows how to get down to business. I like that. Here is my response.....


Dear Mr. Martins,

First and foreskin, please feel free to call me "Mighty." My father was Mr. Dyckerson. Now before I begin filling out the REQUIEDMENTS, could you tell me more about your benefits package? I understand I will get paid weakly, but does your company (Interface FabricsLimited) offer health insurance? I only ask because I recently contracted a nasty rash from my associate RevRee and I would like to get treated before it spreads any farther. Also, I will need two days off in October so I can attend a Star Trek convention in Nigeria. I can probably get you a ticket if you would like to go. It is really beautiful there this time of year.

Thank you again and I looks forward to servicing yore costomers.

Best regards,
Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson


After not receiving a reply within 24 hours, I started to get worried. I decided I better follow up.....

Dear Mr. Martins,

I hope you did not take offense to my last email concerning benefits. If so, please accept my apologies. I can do without the health insurance and vacation time. Your company (Interface FabricsLimited) comes first in my book.

Here are the REQUIEDMENTS you requiested:
* Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson
* 3000 West Alameda Ave., Burbank, CA 91523*
* 213-466-5103*
* mightydyckerson@yahoo.com
* 69
* Entrepreneur
* First Bank of Switzerland

Thank you again for understanding. I look forward to your urgent reply.

Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson


* This was the address and phone number to write for tickets to the game show "Super Password." The show has been out of production for 18 years.


Shortly thereafter, I received the following rather terse message from Mr. Martins.....

FUCK OFF ASSHOLE.


Damn, was it something I said? I knew I shouldn't have asked off those two days. Oh well, perhaps opportunity will knock again someday! Until then, you may read about my previous encounters with spammers in Mighty Dyckerson's Fun With Spammers Collection!

• Fun With Spammers (the original)
• More Fun With Spammers
• Fun With Spammers III: The New Blood
• Fun With Spammers IV: The Holiday Edition
  

Tag THIS, Morons!

Listen up, kids. I've been blogging for over 35 years now, and during that time I have been memed, maimed, mocked, tagged, tugged, and yanked to death. So please do not send me invitations to answer a bunch of dumbass questions about my personal life. Trust me, the less you people know about my personal life, the better.

I have absolutely no interest in compiling a list of thirteen D-list celebrities I'd like to have urinate on my head. Nor will I rearrange the letters in my name to come up with adjectives that describe the interior of my large intestine. Finally, under no circumstances will I share my innermost secrets, highest hopes, or deepest fears with you crack smoking ass goblins. I would rather dip my nuts in honey and cover them with an army of hungry fire ants.

Furthermore, I refuse to perpetuate these 21st-century chain letters by passing them on to other bloggers. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And if your life is so fucking empty that you have to rely on memes to fill your blog, for God's sake find another source of online entertainment like Spider Solitaire or Texas Hang 'Em or child pornography. Or better yet, master the art of identity theft and steal the name of someone with an actual personality.

Oh, and one more thing. I know you jackasses are dying to leave me retarded comments like "You've been tagged, ha ha!" Please spare me. If I want to read something funny, I'll look at your SAT scores. Now get the fuck out of here before I "tag" you upside the head with one of Jenny's steel dildos.

Interpretive Poetry

Tonight's selection is entitled "Simple Simon." Please follow along with me.


Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Let me taste your ware."

- A pieman is a man who sells pie. However, when I read this, I interpret "pie" as poon. Thus, the pieman is actually a pimp...and Simon is a john looking for oral sex.

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Show me first your penny."
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Indeed I have not any."

- The pimp wants cash up front, but Simon is flat-ass broke.

He went to catch a dickey bird,
And thought he could not fail,
Because he'd got a little salt,
To put upon his tail.

- Simon changed his mind. Now he wants to have anal sex with a transgender prostitute ("dickey bird").

He went to take a bird's nest,
Was built upon a bough;
The branch gave way and Simon fell
Into a dirty slough.

- In this passage, the "branch" is the transgender prostitute's penis, the "bird's nest" is his pubic hair, and the "bough" is his crotch. "The branch gave way" means the she-male couldn't get it up.

He went to shoot a wild duck,
But wild duck flew away;
Say Simon, I can't hit him,
Because he will not stay."

- Simon tried to steal a rubber dildo from a sex toy shop, but he was caught on tape by security cameras.

Simple Simon went a-fishing,
For to catch a whale;
All the water he had got
Was in his mother's pail.

- Simon committed incest with his overweight mother.

Simple Simon went a-hunting,
For to catch a hare;
He rode an ass about the streets,
But couldn't find one there.

- This part is self-explanatory.

He went for to eat honey,
Out of the mustard pot;
He bit his tongue until he cried,
That was all the good he got.

- Unsatisfied with the butt sex, Simon decided to acquire some poon. The expression "bit his tongue" is a euphemism for premature ejaculation.

He went to ride a spotted cow
That had a little calf;
She threw him down upon the ground,
Which made the people laugh.

- Simon had rough sex with a bovine in front of a bunch of Mexican farm hands.

Once Simon made a great snowball,
And brought it in to roast;
He laid it down before the fire,
And soon the ball was lost.

- Simon was castrated.

He went to slide upon the ice
Before the ice would bear;
Then he plunged in above his knees,
Which made poor Simon stare.

- Simon tried to make it with a frigid bitch, but she wouldn't put out.

He washed himself with blacking ball,
Because he had no soap;
Then said unto his mother,
"I'm a beauty now, I hope."

- Simon got a facial from a black dude and came out of the closet.

Simple Simon went to look
If plums grew on a thistle;
He pricked his fingers very much,
Which made poor Simon whistle.

- Simon pleasured himself while laying under a plum tree.

He went for water in a sieve,
But soon it all ran through.
And now poor Simple Simon
Bids you all adieu.

- Simon broke his last condom, so he went to rob a 7-Eleven. Peace out, homeys.

An Inconvenient Poop (Part 2)

In case you're tuning in late and missed the first installment of An Inconvenient Poop, I'll give you the Dyck's Notes version. Last Saturday after eating a nutritious lunch, I went for a walk and got a case of the shits. I searched for a suitable shitter substitute and ended up squatting in a storage room behind the neighborhood high school. In doing so, I released a steaming pile of crap and sullied my buttocks. And now, the exciting conclusion of.....An Inconvenient Poop!!!

WARNING:
The following post contains actual photos of Mighty Dyckerson's feces.
Parental discretion is advised.

As I squatted in the corner hovering above my fresh turd tart, my thoughts turned to my personal hygiene. I was nearly a mile from my house. How the hell was I going to wipe myself? I searched the area frantically for something that I could use as toilet paper. A lump of coal from the barbecue? (Nah, too awkward.) A handful of sawdust? (Nah, too messy.) The little pieces of black foam that fit over my DyckPod earbuds? (Nah, too expensive to replace.)

In the comments to part one, Danielle the Hor asked if I was going to sacrifice a sock. This was not an option, as the lining to my Nikes was already shot to hell, and my feet were sore and blistered from the walk. I needed my socks. So reluctantly, I pulled up my shorts, leaving them low enough so as to prevent any direct contact with my crack. Basically the way the kids wear their pants nowadays. I then wobbled my way outside and continued my search for a suitable asswipe.

Finally, there it was. Laying on the ground outside the door to the boys' locker room, a damp towel. It was like a miracle from Heaven. With great euphoria, I grabbed the towel and quickly returned to the scene of the grime. Two or three passes through my great divide and I was good to go. It was at this point that I got to see my handiwork for the first time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.....my feces:





I apologize for the lack of detail, but my camera phone isn't the greatest. This picture was actually taken several hours after the incident, by which time the poo had darkened considerably and lost much of its moisture.

I stood there for several minutes and marveled at the shape and contours of my scatalogical sculpture. Satisfied that my bowels were sufficiently emptied, I tossed the newly monogrammed towel on top of the barbecue and continued on my journey.

But the story doesn't end there. I was several hundred feet from the school on my way home when the unthinkable happened. The cramps returned, and they were just as bad as last time. That's right, it was time for round two, where the points are doubled and anything can happen. I immediately made a U-turn and headed right back to school to "drop off the kids" as it were.

To my surprise, I returned to find the storage room was now occupied...by a swarm of flies buzzing around my pie. "Fuck," I thought to myself. "Those little bastards didn't waste any time! I'm going to have to start a new pile." So I walked over to the opposite corner, wedged myself against the two adjoining walls, and left an another apple for the teacher. This one hit the floor with such force, I think it actually cracked the concrete. See for yourself:

The lighting was better in this photo, so you can see a little more of the texture and detail. Bon appetit, you nasty old flies! This time cleanup was a breeze since I already had my trusty towel standing by. I just found an unused section of terrycloth, ran it through customs, and draped it neatly across the barbecue to dry out in the sun.

At this point I was reluctant to leave. I had already downloaded two enormous piles...but could there be a third??? I decided I would take a precautionary lap around the building to make sure the urge to purge did not return. Thankfully it did not, for my ass was raw and my towel was out of clean spots. So I made the long walk home and did some final touch-up work in the bathroom.

What have we learned from all of this?

1. Never ignore those painful stomach cramps. They never just "go away" on their own.
2. If you're going to be outside for any length of time, carry a wad of toilet paper with you.
3. Camera phones take lousy pictures.
4. Flies take to shit like a duck to water.

HAPPY LABOR DAY, SUCKERS!!!!!