Merv Griffin's Final Jeopardy!

I was never a big fan of Merv. There, I said it. I know it's generally considered in bad taste to say something mean about someone right after they've croaked - even if they were a complete SHIT BISCUIT - but Dyckerson has never been known to follow the rules of good taste. For example, see May 2006 post entitled Screw the Handicrapped.

But let's get back to why I hate Merv Griffin. He always struck me as a BLOATED, NO-TALENT BAG OF GAS. In all the footage I have ever seen of him, he was always wearing something silk, with a martini in one hand and a butt in the other. Basically a fat Hugh Hefner, without all the whores. I don't think the man ever worked an honest day in his life. He certainly never broke a sweat. Although I have to hand it to him. He was incredibly average, yet he somehow managed to parlay that into millions of dollars. That is my dream, and I shall achieve it someday if I ever get my invention patented. It's a combination toilet and crepe maker - I call it "The Creper."

There I go getting sidetracked again. Back to Merv. Remember the talk show he used to have? Neither do I. It was syndicated, but I don't think it ever aired in my market. In fact, I don't know ANYBODY who lives in a city that carried the Merv Griffin Show. Sometimes I wonder if the fucking show actually aired at all. Maybe Merv just interviewed celebrities in his house, like that episode of "Seinfeld" where Kramer buys the old Merv Griffin set and starts calling everybody niggers. I can't imagine the torture it must have been to be interviewed by that SCHMOOZING OLD WINDBAG. I've had conversations with BAGS OF RICE that were more interesting.

Then there was Merv the game show creator. In case you didn't know, Merv was the genius behind "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy," two of the most UNORIGINAL half-hours of television ever conceived. "Wheel of Fortune" is fucking HANGMAN, people! And "Jeopardy" is only the FIVE THOUSANDTH game show to ever use the Q-&-A format. The whole "answer in the form of a question" thing was just a GODDAMN GIMMICK to set it apart from the rest. And that part wasn't even Merv's idea! IT WAS HIS WIFE'S!! Yet somehow Merv Griffin is lauded as a game show pioneer.

While Merv wasn't stealing game show ideas, he liked to play piano. Good for him. As much FREE TIME as that bastard had for the last 25 years, he should have been a virtuoso at EVERY MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVER INVENTED. Did you know old Merv wrote the "Jeopardy" theme? What a masterpiece. Three notes repeated over and over and over again. In spite of his enormous wealth, the old skinflint couldn't shell out a few bucks for a professional songwriter. I was watching a clip today where he said he wrote the "Jeopardy" theme in 15 minutes. He says this with great pride, mind you. Not only could I write that piece of shit in 15 minutes, but I'd still have 14.5 minutes left to look at pictures of Ms. Babble's illegitimate children. Yet again, somehow Merv Griffin is considered to be a musical genius.

Then there was Merv the singer. It's the same deal with his lameass talk show. Can you name a single Merv Griffin album??! OF COURSE YOU CAN'T!!! His only hit was the horrendous novelty song, "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts"...and HE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT!!! If an artist recorded a piece of shit like that today, they'd be laughed out of the music industry - and rightfully so.

Finally, there was Merv the real estate typhoon. Apparently he owned a bunch of hotels and shit...because you know, that's what rich people do. They buy property. It's an easy investment, and requires virtually no knowledge or talent. You pay agents to conduct the transaction, and you hire goons to manage the property. Then you wait for the checks to come in. Obviously not something working stiffs like us can do, but for someone who wipes his ass with portraits of Ben Franklin, it's all in a day's work.

In spite of all that, I'm sorry the old guy croaked. In honor of Merv, I'm going over to Jenny's house and having her examine my prostate. Time to break out the rubber glove, baby!! Daddy's coming home!!!

Giving Back

It's no secret that Mighty Dyckerson is a lover of all children. My numerous appearances on Dateline NBC should be proof enough of that. But seriously, I think it's time I gave something back to the community that has given me so much. That's why next weekend, I am hosting the First Annual MIGHTY DYCKERSON BACK-TO-SCHOOL SHOPPING SPREE! Yep, I'm going to rent a U-Haul truck, drive it into a shitty neighborhood, fill it up with poor kids, and take them shopping for FREE SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Yes, I know...I'm a terrific guy. But hey, it's the least I can do. Especially since it's not going to cost me a dime. Allow me to explain.

Our first stop will be my company's office. I'll just slip the kids in through the back door and let them steal all the office supplies they can carry. Legal pads, pens, Post-It notes, mouse pads, computers, desks, fax machines - you name it, they got it! And the kids will be learning valuable pilfering skills that they can take back with them to the hood!!!

Once the kids have all the standard school supplies, we'll be able to concentrate on the other essentials. For example, in order to stay focused in the classroom, children need to be relaxed and alert. That's why I'll be taking all of them to meet SNAKE, my DRUG DEALER! Snake will hook each one of them up with a free sample "grab bag" filled with MARIJUANA, COCAINE, LSD, CRYSTAL METH, and FLINSTONES VITAMINS. Hey, it can't be any worse than the shit schools sell in the cafeteria vending machines!!!

Obviously, it's just as important to look good as it is to feel good...so next I'll be taking the kiddies on a field trip to MIGHTY DYCKERSON'S OLDE SWEAT SHOPPE! Think of it...They'll be able to MAKE THEIR OWN CLOTHING while learning all about the exciting world of business and indstry! Their precious little hands will come within inches of GIANT CUTTING BLADES, FAST-MOVING CONVEYOR BELTS, and SCALDING HOT IRONS! Just like Disneyland, only without the long lines!!!

Next, it's important that kids know how to defend themselves in today's dangerous schools. I wirh I could buy each and every one of them a hand gun, but they'll just have to settle for an hour of target practice at the DYCKERSONVILLE FIRING RANGE! Yes, once those little hoodlums squeeze that trigger and hear the deafening sound of gunfire with their unprotected ears, I guarantee they'll be SCARED STRAIGHT! They may be too poor to buy their own guns, but goddammit, they'll sure as hell respect them!!!

A day of firing weapons and making cheap clothing can make you work up a powerful thirst...so I'll be bring all the kids back to my place at Wonderland Ranch for a free round of a concoction I like to call SATAN SODA! You make it with two parts Red Bull and three parts Vodka. Come on, you know kids are going to drink anyway. They may as well do it under the supervision of a RESPONSIBLE ADULT! And don't worry, I won't let them get behind the wheel. That's because we'll be having a SLEEPOVER! I'm sure it will be a THRILLER for all of them. I know it will be for me!!!

Of course, all that booze will set me back a few bucks. That's why I will be accepting monetary donations through my PayPal account effective immediately. So please, give til it hurts. Then give a some more. We all need to do our part to help those poor little bastards!

Fuck Other Blogs

A couple of weeks ago, I received an unsolicited email from some guy I never heard of. At first, I thought he was trying to sell me V!@GRA to make me P3NI$ get big, but to my disappointment, it turns out he just wanted to interview me for his web site. Normally I don't do interviews unless I'm plugging a movie, but in this case, I made an excretion. I think you're supposed to read the interview and rate the blog, but I'm not sure. I honestly don't give a rat's ass. I'm too pissed off about the RFS Awards.

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The RFS (or Really Fucking Stupid) Awards were supposed to be my opportunity to shine. Categories ranged from "Most Likely to Live in a Trailer Park" to "Male Blogger Who Would Look Best in a Speedo." Why I wasn't nominated for the latter category is beyond me. But I did pick up a nomination for "Most Likely to be Arrested." Ladies and germs, I don't think I have to tell you this is the Award I was born to win.

There were a whopping SEVEN NOMINEES in this category (excluding myself). Six of them were complete nobodies and posed no real threat to yours truly. The 7th contender was the jackass known as Mr. Fabulous. I refuse to provide a link to his blog, because he clearly does not need the publicity. He gets a ridiculous amount of traffic considering how fucking ordinary his blog is. I swear to you, this idiot could post a low-resolution photo of his BELLY BUTTON LINT and he'd have 50 comments within two minutes. I don't know where he finds these people, but apparently they have all been BRAINWASHED into thinking he is entertaining. The only award Mr. Fabulous should win is "Most Likely to Cause a Reader to Take His Own Life with a Dull Hacksaw."

Nevertheless, we were both up for the "Most Likely to be Arrested" award...and wouldn't you know it, we TIED. What a SLAP in the FUCKING FACE. Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson doesn't share an award with ANYONE. So Christie, if you're reading this, you better go back and look for hanging chads, because I WILL NOT REST until VICTORY IS MINE and MINE ALONE.

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Last but not least, it's time to do some downsizing. There are several Mighty Blog affiliates who haven't been pulling their weight around here, so I'm taking out the garbage:

First up is Motor City Monk. This asshole updates his blog regularly, but never seems to have the time to comment on mine. I guess he thinks he's too good for The Mighty Blog now. Monk, I hope you get AIDS and die.

Next is Photogguy. I couldn't even tell you how often he updates his blog, because NONE OF HIS POSTS ARE DATED. What the fuck is THAT??! All I know is, he never shows up around here. Photogguy, pack up your lens extender and GET THE HELL OUT.

It's no secret that Randomness and I had a torrid love affair last spring...that is, until she up and DISAPPEARED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. Funny, his seems to happen to a lot of the women I seduce. I don't understand it, especially since I wrote her this lovely poem.

Last on the hatchet block is Luck O' The Irish. Much like Randomness, she and I were getting along swimmingly until she decided to go AWOL. What is it with these stupid broads? Don't they know a good thing when it's squirting them in the face??!

Anyway, fuck them all. And let that be a warning to the rest of you. Being a Mighty Blog affiliate isn't a right, it's a PRIVILEGE. And with that privilege comes an OBLIGATION to write QUALITY POSTS in a TIMELY MANNER, and also to LEAVE COMMENTS on the blogs of your FELLOW AFFILIATES. Otherwise, I'll yank your ass outta here faster than Ms. Babble can conceive a child. YOU GOT THAT??!

Troubled Bridge Over Water

So we had the big Minneapolis Bridge clusterfuck this week. Never a dull moment in the good ol' U S of A, am I right folks?? But seriously, my deepest condolences to the victims and their families. That has to suck major donkey balls. I mean, how unlucky do you have to be to have a bridge collapse from under you while you're driving across it??! You have better odds of winning the state lottery, getting struck by lightning, and winning a different state lottery...ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!

Having said all that, don't you think we're overreacting just a little bit? The bridge collapse was a horrible tragedy. But I think this falls under the category of SHIT HAPPENS. The world is a dangerous place, and we can only do so much to make it safer. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't investigate the accident and print up a nice report and put it in a fancy little three-ring binder and pass it around to the media so they can take pictures of the binder and then get 10-second soundbites from a dipshit P.R. goon and put it on the six o'clock news. But I don't think it's necessary to shut down and reinspect EVERY FUCKING BRIDGE IN THE COUNTRY just because one of them happened to be "structurally deficient." Hell, most of my readers are MENTALLY deficient, but you don't see me killing them off, do you? We're talking about BRIDGES, not cans of tainted pet food. Besides, I'm betting the investigators will probably trace the cause to a pea-sized hole in a hunk of metal that came that way from the factory. That's always the way these things turn out.

Then we have the morons on the news screaming "OUR INFRASTRUCTURE IS CRUMBLING!" Is it me, or does this sound eerily similar to "THE SKY IS FALLING"??? Reporters love to say "infrastructure" because it sounds like they know what they're talking about . Politicians are taking advantage of the incident to press for funding for roads and highways. Then they'll hire private contractors to do the work, who will in turn give the politicians big fat kickbacks. You can't win.

So what's the magic solution? There is no magic solution. Life is short. Don't waste it sitting in gridlock while construction crevs spend the next 50 years trying to rebuild our interstate system because we have a few potholes. Instead, TAKE A FUCKING CHANCE every once in a while, you damn pansies. We're all gonna die sometime. Except me. I'm having my scrotum cryogenically frozen.

Pardon My Oily Spotting

Ladies and germs, it's time yet again for another installment of...





As many of you know, I am always looking for new drugs to ridicule. Who could forget my scathing review of Requip, the prercription drug for morons with Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)? Not only did I expose RLS as a bullshit disease, but I pointed out Requip's many side effects, which turn out to be worse than the disease itself!

Now one of my operatives has told me about a new drug for fat people. It's called Alli, and it's the first FDA approved over-the-counter diet pill. Despite its $60 price tag, this shit is apparently selling like hotcakes. In fact, most stores display it right next to the hotcakes, because anybody who eats hotcakes will most likely need Alli.

I can't begin to imagine how many government palms the GlaxoSmithKlinePfizerLever people must have greased in order to get this drug approved. I'm guessing they were able to slip it through because they include a booklet that promotes a healthy diet and exercise. Well FUCK THAT! If I wanted to eat RABBIT FOOD and do SQUAT THRUSTS, I wouldn't need your STUPID PILLS at all, now would I??!

But the real beauty of Alli is its side effects. Actually, their web site calls them "treatment effects." They can sugar coat it all they want, but suffice it to say if you take their pills, you'll be spending every waking hour wiping the "treatment effects" off your ass. According to their web site, effects MAY include:

• Gas with oily spotting. I'm quite familiar with the concept of gas, but what the hell is "oily spotting"? Where will these "spots" be located, and how will I dispose of them? I can see myself now, donning a biohazard suit in the middle of the night and sneaking my oil saturated shorts to the dumpster behind Exxon to avoid getting slapped with a disposal fee.

• Loose stools. Exactly how do you defind loose?? Are we talking about a slow-moving lava flow or a full blown volcanic eruption? I'd like to know in case I need to have my plumbing system upgraded!
  

• More frequent stools that may be hard to control. Delightful. In other words, I better pick up a package of adult diapers on the way home from work tomorrow. Either that or get myself fitted for a colostomy bag. Hell, I may as well check into a nursing home. I'll have a lot of fun explaining that one to Blue Cross.
  

The web site continues: The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza. Gee, thanks a lot for the visual. Excuse me a moment while I THROW UP. Yep, I feel thinner already.

In addition, the good people at Alli offer this helpful hint: If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with Alli until the event is over. I can see it now. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.....Sweet Lord almighty, what the fuck is that SMELL??!"

Here's another piece of sage advice, taken directly from the Alli web site: Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work. By "dark," do they by any chance mean BROWN? I'm supposed to wear BROWN PANTS every day...and bring EXTRAS??! Is it just me, or does this "diet pill" sound more like an INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH LAXATIVE??!

Co-Worker: "Say Dyckerson, what's with the 17 pairs of brown Dockers hanging on your chair?"
Me: "Oh, those? Macy's was having a buy 16, get one free sale so I decided to stock up."

And my favorite part of all: You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take Alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens. Really??! Because when I get gassy, I usually head immediately for the MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY. Thanks for straightening me out.

So let me make sure I have everything. Here's my grocery list:

• 30-Day Supply of Alli
• Biohazard Suit
• 200 Cases of Toilet Paper
• 35 Tubes of Preparation H
• 50 Cans of Febreeze
• 2 Dozen Pairs of Levi's Pre-Stained Jeans
• 800 Packs of Depends Undergarments
• 40 Bottles of Liquid Plumber
• 1 Domino's Shit Lovers' Pizza

Total investment: $3,850.00

Being held hostage by your own asshole for a month: Priceless

Aloha

Back from Hawaii, it was one of the best vacations ever. Here are a couple of pics of our adventures.

Back to the 70s

My Dad recently got a scanner and went crazy with the baby pics.